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VodkaPundit

Catholics Without a Sense of Humor — Move Along

March 10th, 2002 - 10:44 am

Friday, Revered Internet News Maven InstaPundit made a wisecrack about Pope VodkaPundit I. Now, even though my lovely fiancée’s maid of honor and her husband (just back from Saudi — details Monday) are in town, I’ve had a few minutes to give this idea some thought.

About the job.

• It’s time. The College of Cardinals historically reserves the Papal Gig for Catholic Italian guys, with the occasional Frenchman or Pole thrown in for color. Obviously, some affirmative action is called for. The Church needs a half-Jewish, atheist Pope. With great hair.

About the name.

• Obviously, I can’t keep the working name VodkaPundit. So I’ve settled on Pope Incorrigible I. Surely it is more honest the Pope Innocent the Anythingth.

About my papacy.

Changes will have to be made to drag the Church kicking and screaming into the 20th Century, much less the 21st, so I’ll have to convene Vatican III. The changes I’ll propose include:

• Priests will still be forbidden to marry. However, they will be encouraged to fool around. With girls. Or boys. Grown-up girls or boys.
• Mass will be held in the local language, or, where desired, in Pig Latin.
• Goodbye to cheap red wine, hello Colt 45. Makes you feel holy, every time.
• The Popemobile will be rigged to pop wheelies.
• All those Vatican fountains? Jacuzzis, baby!
• Instead of kissing tarmac on arrival in foreign nations, will kiss prettiest local Hooters girl(s).
• Those hats are so gone.
• Nuns will be more like the ones in Italian porn.
• “Hail Mary” replaced with “Whoooooa Nellie!”
• Communion wafers even better with just a touch of brie.
• Let’s get some serious Southern Baptists in the choir. Those folks can sing.
• Goodbye collection plate, hello roulette wheel.
• Holy See renamed “Holy Shee-it.” Just to hear French diplomats say it.
• Confessional Truth or Dare.
• Church members will now be allowed to giggle every time the word “seminary” is used.
• Big masses in St. Peter’s Square: Less talk, more rock.
• Swiss Guards in fairy costumes replaced by 300-pound bouncer named Tiny.
• Catholic girls school skirts? Totally unchanged.
• Those aren’t Rosary beads.