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They Look Good, But They

January 31st, 2002 - 1:41 pm

They Look Good, But They Never Feel Right
Some surprises from the al Qaeda documents recovered by our soldiers in Afghanistan. I’ve excerpted the most important bits for you and collected them here.

“Documents…spotlight the U.S. Capitol, Seattle’s Space Needle and a portion of Los Angeles,” suggesting them as targets. This is further proof that the barbarians just don’t understand America. Let the Greens in Seattle run the show there for a while, and there won’t be any buildings over two stories left. And all built of adobe.

Also found were references to al Qaeda’s “Crack Suicide Squad.” I… I have nothing to add here that the Monty Python troupe didn’t do twenty years ago. I am filled with shame. No, wait — giggles.

Most interesting to Army Intelligence officers were minutes taken from actual al Qaeda meetings. Translations differ, but the consensus goes as follows:

Osama: I swear to Allah, Britney Spears had a boob job.
Omar: No, you’re thinking of that Christina girl. I hear she can be a real bitch.
Osama: You fool — look right here! And take off that fake eyepatch, you’ll never be butch. Anyway, I’d know her face from six miles up. Think I impressed her with that whole airplane thing? Will she answer my letters now?

More details to follow. Developing.