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The PJ Tatler

by
Sarah Hoyt

Bio

October 20, 2012 - 5:36 am

I don’t know about the rest of you out there, but living in Colorado, we are subjected to calls from the Obama campaign every day.  Multiple calls.  At dinner time.

Yep, you read that right.  The Obama Campaign.  We had a single call from the Romney campaign early on, and we told them “everyone who can vote in this house is voting Romney, and the one who can’t vote is going to help with telephones.  Don’t waste time calling us.”  Miraculously – they haven’t.  (Miraculously because the McCain campaign called us at home while we were manning phones.)

The Obama campaign, however, has no such scruples.  It keeps calling.  It keeps calling despite the fact that its phone operators are too strange to pronounce our names properly (they’re not creative names in any way.)  It keeps calling despite the fact that, at times, its operators don’t seem to know why they called and stutter more than Obama without a teleprompter.  It keeps calling despite the fact that I told them I’d crawl uphill in snow both ways, through broken glass to vote Obama out of office.  And then I started telling them … cruder things, including my favorite curse, in Portuguese “inde la pro mar coalhado, onde nao cante galinha nem galo, onde nao haja pao nem vinho nem carne de toucinho”  (Roughly: may you go to where the sea is congealed, where neither hen nor rooster crows, where there is neither bread nor wine nor bacon-meat. [Hey, it was what the village madwoman used to scream at us kids].)

They still call.  They’re like the McCain campaign on steroids and on denial.  Also, possibly, on mescaline.

So it’s become a game to see which of us can give them the oddest answer.  Possibly my favorite is “Attack Latinas For Romney!  How may we help bring down Obama?”  (Sometimes in Portuguese.)

The guys have others.  “Geeks for Romney.  May the Force be With Us.”

Tonight my husband tried the double reverse gotcha “Smart people for Obama.  Psyche!  There aren’t any!”

The goal of the game is to see what makes them hang up the quickest.  A “loss” at this game is when the befuddled, under-educated, occasionally non-English-fluent youngster on the other side STILL tries to make the sale.

It’s fun for the whole family and in my family (hey, we even play cut-throat Scrabble!) it’s become a competition sport with scores kept.  So far younger kid is way ahead.  Once he tried to sell the Obama caller a penguin.

It is our duty to demoralize Obama phone workers, no matter how much we hate to be rude to strangers.  It is our duty to put them on notice they are no longer the cool kids.

What are your suggested lines?  Family friendly, please.  (I’ve tried the others.  They don’t seem to work.)

Remember, ideally they should be punchy and funny while being unequivocal enough they get you a hang up.

Sarah Hoyt lives in Colorado with her husband, two sons and too many cats. She has published Darkship Thieves and 16 other novels, and over 100 short stories. Writing non-fiction is a new, daunting endeavor. For more on Sarah and samples of her writing, look around at Sarah A. Hoyt.com or check out her writing and life blog at According to Hoyt.com.
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