President John F. Kennedy once said “Ask not what your country can do, ask what you can do for your country.” But that’s so 20th century! We live in a time when our thin young president personally and desperately needs our help. He has already called on us to give him our wedding gifts, but many of us either got married years ago or won’t be marrying anyone anytime soon. What. Can. We. Do?

Here are a few ideas:

1. Donate blood and send the proceeds to Obama. This also works for other bodily fluids, and you can always enroll in one of those sketchy science experiments that pay.

2. Tithe to your church? Well, cut that out and give that money to Obama!

3. Ebay, baby. Ebay. Everything you have. Then send the money to Obama.

4. Thinking of sending your kid to college? Well, they can wait but Obama can’t. Send him your kid’s college fund?

5. Start one of those Gerber baby life insurance policies in Obama’s name.

6. Join a Mexican drug cartel, obtain some Fast and Furious guns, sell them to another Mexican drug cartel, and send the money to Obama.

7. Cancel your kids’ birthdays and all summer vacations, send the money you would’ve spent to Obama, and give your kids an email telling them where the money went. They’ll really appreciate it and the love the president you’re supporting.

8. Are you sure you need to eat this week? Really?

9. Put off retirement for another decade.

10. Borrow money from China and send it to Obama.