President John F. Kennedy once said “Ask not what your country can do, ask what you can do for your country.” But that’s so 20th century! We live in a time when our thin young president personally and desperately needs our help. He has already called on us to give him our wedding gifts, but many of us either got married years ago or won’t be marrying anyone anytime soon. What. Can. We. Do?
Here are a few ideas:
1. Donate blood and send the proceeds to Obama. This also works for other bodily fluids, and you can always enroll in one of those sketchy science experiments that pay.
2. Tithe to your church? Well, cut that out and give that money to Obama!
3. Ebay, baby. Ebay. Everything you have. Then send the money to Obama.
4. Thinking of sending your kid to college? Well, they can wait but Obama can’t. Send him your kid’s college fund?
5. Start one of those Gerber baby life insurance policies in Obama’s name.
6. Join a Mexican drug cartel, obtain some Fast and Furious guns, sell them to another Mexican drug cartel, and send the money to Obama.
7. Cancel your kids’ birthdays and all summer vacations, send the money you would’ve spent to Obama, and give your kids an email telling them where the money went. They’ll really appreciate it and the love the president you’re supporting.
8. Are you sure you need to eat this week? Really?
9. Put off retirement for another decade.
10. Borrow money from China and send it to Obama.
11. Start hooking and send it on in. Guys too. If the Republicans get in the ladies will be fitted with a mandatory chastity belt anyway, and the men all drafted for imperial wars of conquest, never to return, so enjoy it while you can…
…plus for the guys it shows they aren’t homophobes….
The American Cancer Society does NOT need your donation. Obama does.
3a. This includes a kid or two. Priorities, priorities…
Donate to an animal rescue shelter? The Whine needs the money more than the animals need kibble. And you have a pet? Euthanize and send the food money to Dear Liar.
Don’t euthanize your dog, send it to the White House kitchen. You still eliminate pet food expenses, which can be donated, and Obama also gets a midnight snack.
12. The average bank heist in the U.S. rakes in 10 grand. That would either put you as a *valued* Obama Victory Fund member (eligible for a free copy of “Dreams of My Father, autographed by the author (as soon as he is determined)) OR would allow you to make TWO! maximum donations to “Obama for America”, easily done due to our turning off of credit card verification features.
13. Become part of a Nigerian credit card scamming ring. If you are an urban-area public-school graduate and feel your English is not up to the levels required to write the letters, DON’t WORRY. The Nigerains say they need more stateside “muscle” everyday.
14. Love the outdoors? Want to help the poor? Feel that only Barack can make DREAMs come true? BECOME A COYOTE and donate the money, as well as ensure the permanent minority status of privileged whites. Undocumented workers don’t get here on their own, you know.
That bailout money the Greeks and Spanish banks were gonna get from the Euro-weenies…. Obama needs it more.
You can put off your income tax payments for a quarter or two, can’t you?
Deal 3-card Monte and send your winnings to Obama!
Insurance fraud – fake your own death and make Obama the beneficiary! Did we say FAKE? If you have a double indemnity clause, the Obama campaign will show you how to make suicide look like an accident!
And don’t worry about voting if you’re listed as dead. Eric Holder is working day and night to ensure that, that is, when he isn’t busy dealing guns to Mexican drug cartels.
You’ve got two Kidneys don’tcha? You’ve got two lungs don’tcha? Your Liver can regenerate can’t it? No money? No problem! Sell those duplicate organs on the black(RAAAAACIST!) market, and donate the money to O-bah-muhh 2012. But you’ve got to hurry, only 4 1/2 months left ’till election. And if you die on the operating table, don’t worry, we’ll see to it that you vote for Buh-rock, in multiple states if need be.
The Fatherland needs precious metals for the war effort.
Wedding rings and other gold jewelry will be used in secret weapons to defeat the enemy.
Your gold rings will be replaced by pot-metal rings engraved with “The Fuehrer Thanks You”.
15. Copper’s at $3.33/lb today. Al’s Scrapyard on 45th Street isn’t real nosy, if you know what I mean. Get crackin’.
Still paying for health insurance? HaHaHa. When SCOTUS upholds Obamacare, will you feel foolish or what?! Cancel that plan and forward the savings to ObamaCantStopRunning.com. Today!
Driving to work? Start walking. Better yet, QUIT that job. Obama’s got your back! Send the money you save to ObamaScam.com … er, make that ObamasCamp.com.
– at the Internal Revenue Service.
Maybe Obama can auction off Michelle’s vast collection of boob belts!
Those graduation gifts that are sitting in your kid’s room because he can’t get a job in the Obamaconomy? Sell them and give the money to Barack.
Sandra Fluke could help too. Screw with Fluke, condom is free, donate to Obama.
I will donate my frumunda cheese to Duh Won. But not my swimmers!
Making those big house payments? Stop that nonsense. Sell your house and donate any profits (provided you can make any) to Obama’s campaign, it’s that important. Occupy Wall Street has shown us that it’s perfectly acceptable to live in a tent in a park somewhere.
Ask not what your country can do, ask what you can donate to Obama…because he really needs it.
Have you seen all the poor digging through trash to find aluminum cans to sell? Beat them up and take the cans to sell; send the proceeds to Obama.
Don’t bury grandma without first pulling those valuable gold fillings out of her teeth. Imagine the money you’ll get down at your local Cash For Gold – and all of it can go to Obama!