The Republican Party is lurching forward through it’s clumsy foreplay, also known as its “primary.” The early stages of speed dating its way through the rich guy with bad hair and a big ego, the smooth talking “playah”, the hunk who needed Cyrano to whisper answers in his ear, the hot chick with 27 kids at home…and now we are down to four.
As we contemplate who we want as our final date, it might help to compare and contrast what we need with what they offer.
America needs protection. The Republicans are offering four separate and distinct methods of prophylaxis.
1) Isolation/world celibacy: You can’t get into any trouble if you hide from the rest of the world. Disengage. Being cranky and wanting to be left alone, the Hermit Crab approach to world affairs, is certainly effective in keeping away suitors. And, most sane people. This Safe Sects division offers us protection from interaction with enemies, friends, allies, and everyone except aliens. Which brings us to our next entry.
2) Mooning the Future, Zero Gravity Romp. With gas prices as high as they are, rocket fuel may wind up being the cheaper alternative one day soon. Everybody Wang Chung tonight has an appeal that appears to be fading a bit. Mr. Thrill a Minute and Mr. Idea a Minute seem to be related. No staying power. It’s all over before it begins. This is the American Pie division of the Republican Safe Sects.
3) Hold me, scold me, mama told me. The Chastity Belt for America. At a time when people wish to be fitted for a new money belt, this one chafes a bit on some folks. It comes with a finger-wagging instructional video and a DVD on how to pull pork.
4) Lucky Stiff. Although we got rid of the rich guy with bad hair, we still have in contention the rich guy with good hair. It does not appear that much is needed in the way of protection here, he gives every appearance he is shooting blanks.
America needs protection for the small c communist virus it has contracted over the last three years. NONE of these candidates offers much in the way of protection. In fact, the Republican Party as a whole seems completely oblivious to what has happened inside our DOJ, the NLRB, the Dept. of Energy, Treasury, and how virulent the spread of this disease has become.
Capitalism is under vicious assault. The free market is in free fall. Our natural resources are being squandered. Our military is being gutted. Our liberties are under assault. The Constitution is being shredded.
Is contraception the key issue? Sex on the moon? Isolationism the answer? We need someone to protect us at the core of our national structure. And we have been offered a crank, a skank, a spank and a blank.
Lord, save us from our protectors. And send us a hero.