Advance text of President Obama's address

Various reliable White House sources, under threat of suicide should they make it public in advance of delivery, have provided the following text of the address President Obama will soon deliver at Ground Zero. Due to the obvious sensitivities, we have placed the president’s remarks after the jump. If you believe you can handle them, click on “more.”

Fellow citizens of the world, permit Us to say how pleased We are to be present at this historic site in New York City.  With this, Our first Presidential visit, it is now as never before truly Ground Zero  — sacred ground which will live in the hearts of all as a fitting monument to the very best Our great multicultural America has ever brought forth.  We say this with great humility and with appreciation for Our colleagues in Pakistan, Palestine and indeed throughout the entire world who joined Us in making this joyous occasion possible.

We recognize that some may be puzzled that We have not appeared to show sufficient gratitude to the brave people of our kinetic action services who, regardless of race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation and even political affiliation,  willingly assisted Us and Our team in bringing to an end the reign of man-made disaster which began here in 2001. I think of those gallant people constantly. Indeed,  the Special Services Corpse has always been a great source of pride, not only to Us but to Our entire administration.  We must not beat around the bush; they deserve Our thanks and Our praise — far more than any previous Commander in Chief has ever given them. Nevertheless, should our great ally Pakistan,  or the United Nations itself, have any issues with the way in which Our Special Services personnel brought man-made disasters to a fitting close, We shall cooperate fully in trying those personnel thought guilty in their own courts.  We shall not shield them from such justice and retribution as may be found appropriate after the fog of kinetic action has dissipated.  Someday, after We have remade Our courts in the mold of Sharia Law, we may be able to provide fair trials even in Our country.  Then, We can be fully proud.

Now that We have put an end to the climate of fear caused in part by  the actions of misguided conservative fanatics — common criminals all in an extremist clique falsely claiming that they seek to advance the noble causes of the Religion of Peace — it is time for closure but not for sleep. Eternal vigilance is the price you must all pay under Our guidance for Our blessings of true peace and prosperity. Our Transportation Security Administration and others in Our administration will continue their non-intrusive efforts to keep Our airports and other public facilities safe for all, just as Our border security personnel will  continue to protect Our country from those few unfortunates brought by poverty and injustice to be of violent tendencies.

Now that We have put to rest these burdens of the past, it is time to move on to a new and brighter future — to bring about the many other changes all have been waiting for. We hope and expect that Our bipartisan colleagues in Our Congress and in Our judiciary will join with Us in making America a better place for all to come, to live, to work if they wish, and to receive the munificent benefits to which all are entitled.

May Allah, Gaia and God bless us everyone.