I was just thinking about male space last night as I drove through some neighborhoods and saw televisions flickering and men gathered at neighborhood club houses to watch the Super Bowl. It seems like only on this day are men allowed to have a place of their own. It reminded me of this piece I read about the decline of male space (via News Alert and Instapundit). The article was written by Brett McKay, the author of The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man.
The rise of suburban culture with its emphasis on creating a domestic nest, usually meant sacrificing male space for the good of the family. Home designs in the 1950s exchanged the numerous, smaller rooms of the Victorian home for fewer, larger rooms. The goal was to create more open space where families could congregate together and bond while watching the Honeymooners
on TV.
With no room to call their own, men were forced to build their male sanctuaries in the most uninhabitable parts of a home. Garages, attics, and basements quickly became the designated space for men, while the women and children had free reign over the rest of the house.
I have often seen men, especially those who do not get along with their wives, practically living on the couch or in the garage. Sometimes, they are treated no better than the family dog. On the other hand, some basements these days are pretty nice and men often go there to get away from others and get some peace and quiet.
If male, do you have a space that you call your own? Do you feel that there are fewer places for men to go?
This doesn’t strike me as a problem of importance. At least, I’m not affected by it, and I don’t know anyone who’s affected by it. But the perception that the man of the house is being forced into an ever-smaller slice of his castle could be, or become, quite a serious problem.
That perception might be tied more tightly to the question of who sets the rules of the house than to who “owns” what rooms or regions.
My wife and I have tussled over this at times. I allow her to run our domestic affairs, in general, but I reserve ultimate authority. When I overrule her, she bridles, but she knows she’s going to lose, so it’s more in the spirit of a baseball manager arguing with an umpire – he’s “arguing for the next one” – than a serious contest of wills.
If there’s a “trick” to keeping this sort of arrangement tolerable, it would be in his learning to be King Log as much of the time as possible, rather than insisting on imposing his personal preferences on the home in the preponderance of cases. Women really are better than men at most domestic management matters; that’s part of the constellation of unexpressed reasons men marry.
That having been said, there’s one domestic-affairs topic on which the man will always lose: closet space. Give it up, gentlemen. When I learned that my wife-to-be had described her new love – that’s me – to her friends by saying, “He owns a big empty house with five empty closets,” I knew it was time to “invest” in a self-storage berth. After all, when you know you’re doomed, why waste your energy fighting?
This is an issue of importance! Sometimes there is a need for time and space away from the elements of life that are important and meaningful to many men. Elements like the wife or the kids, the family impart or in toto or the job for that matter. The size, location of the space are not as important as it being private and personal. What happens in this space is most important because it is where some a sort of rejuvenation occurs, a renewal of sorts. I would say that is important especially if that is what you seek at the moment. (this is not the same as going over to the sports bar to be with the guys). And it is not about family politics it is personal, it may be why guys buy motorcycles.
Bill.
I read that article at The Art of Manliness last year, and I think I considered showing it to my wife.
My “man-cave,” which also doubles as my home office, is not nearly as perfect as I would like.
No television, for starters. I’d like to have a television down there so I can watch whatever I want — in peace (which is a big thing). If I try to use the television in the living room, the kids ambush me, and then just talk constantly until I give up and leave. I love my kids, but I need my own time and my own space.
No stereo, either. I’m not sure what it is, but it seems that a good stereo system (is that an old-fashioned term now?) is part of the man-cave experience.
No walls, either. Which means no door. It’s just a corner of the basement. And that means that my space gets invaded frequently by the wife and kids, who have no clue that they’re treading on sacred ground.
My man-cave does have a large table which works perfectly for poker night. Except poker night is frowned upon. So I have a great, felt-covered table for cards, but can’t play cards on it. However, there are frequently fresh-from-the-dryer clothes stacked on it. So it’s become a table for folding laundry.
I do have the home-gym set-up in a back room of the basement. And while nobody seems to invade it, they do tend to use it for storing things — things that are then IN MY WAY.
Anyway, I love my family very much. I just want a good man-cave where I can go and recharge when I need to.
Also worth reading at The Art of Manliness is the article on why it’s important for men to have hobbies.
The problem is not the nature of “man-space”, it’s that women do not understand that they are NOT supposed to enter it. Or even talk about it. Why do men understand this instinctively about women’s space/activities*, but women don’t about men’s ?
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* It’s long past time more acknowledgement was given to the vast numbers of men who supported, often physically and actively, the women’s movement.
The problem is not the nature of “man-space”, it’s that women do not understand that they are NOT supposed to enter it. Or even talk about it. Why do men understand this instinctively about women’s space/activities*, but women don’t about men’s ?
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* It’s long past time more acknowledgement was given to the vast numbers of men who supported, often physically and actively, the women’s movement.