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Some Thoughts on Sex and the Bonded Couple

What lies beyond the sensations?

by
Francis W. Porretto

Bio

July 23, 2014 - 10:15 am
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“How times have changed!” rises the cry of every generation. At least, it can seem that way to one unfamiliar with the course of things over time.

I have in mind the recent exchange of thoughts between psychologist Dr. Helen Smith and PJ Media Lifestyle editor Dave Swindle, germinated by the recently publicized case of a man who, feeling that his wife had cut him off sexually, presented her with a spreadsheet detailing their recent encounters. Dr. Helen was sympathetic toward the man:

…it seemed she was confused about his behavior, and said the lack of sex was unusual and that it was because she was just busy with work. From what I remember, she is in her 20s and the couple have been together around five years and married for two and have no kids.

And she seriously wonders why the guy is mad? She has sex three times in seven weeks and he has probably been angry and boiling for some time before that. Why is she posting their problems on Reddit? She mentions his immature behavior; is hers any better? She says he wouldn’t talk to her about the chart etc., so maybe during this quiet time, she should stop and think about her behavior.

But more importantly, the husband should reflect on his marriage and ask himself a few questions. So far, there are no kids. If she lets her job interfere with her sex life, what about the kids? Will he have an eighteen year chart of excuses and pain? If kids are involved and he wants to get out of the marriage then, he is going to have a much harder time. Perhaps he simply needs some quiet time to reflect on what to do, whether this is going to work in the long run and why his wife would turn to strangers on the internet and post his chart on a Reddit site instead of sitting back and giving him some breathing room. This does not reflect well on how things will go for him in the future if they stay married.

…while Dave Swindle was not:

I’m actually going to take the wife’s side in this dispute. I have absolutely ZERO SYMPATHY WHATSOEVER for this loser. Why?

Because it’s not a wife’s responsibility to be her husband’s happy whore, eagerly providing him with his orgasms on demand.

Dissatisfied husbands, want to know the secret to having sex with your wife whenever you want? It is not your wife’s responsibility to be ready to go on command, it’s YOUR responsibility to know your wife so well that you are capable of seducing her anytime. When you want to have sex with her you don’t ask her, you put her in the mood yourself. It’s really that simple: know you wife well enough so you can push the right buttons, say the right things, and create an environment where sex just naturally happens.

Unfortunately, that’s more work than most men are used to for getting orgasms.

The frequency with which the unnamed subjects of the exchange actually “have sex” — Lord, how I detest that phrase! — strikes me as irrelevant. He feels she’s cut him off; she claims to be too busy and tired. Neither mentions whether the lovemaking they actually manage to do is pleasant or fulfilling, whether physically or emotionally. The conflict doesn’t involve sexual satisfaction, but rather sexual receptivity.

The questions that should follow aren’t being explicitly addressed.

All Comments   (22)
All Comments   (22)
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Women, here are your responsibilities to your husband
1. give him sex when he wants it in whatever form he wants it
2. make him a sandwich

If you can't do those 2 things, don't get married.
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
" it’s YOUR responsibility to know your wife so well that you are capable of seducing her anytime" . Swindle is another white-knighting a-hole who does not think women should be held responsible for any of their actions(or inactions, as it may be). The husband is obviously a bit a of weiner, but the wife completely betrayed her vows before and after the spreadsheet, and should have her ass summarily put away.
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
No kids? Divorce her immediately. Avoid kids with this harpy like the plague or she will own you like she owns a pair of ear rings. And own everything you will ever produce. .
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
Talk to married men. Most, I'd say about 80%, are in this situation. And are lucky the missus decides not to get bored and end the marriage and take half his stuff and kids.

Take a bus. Look around at the women that are over 35-40 and married. A majority are obese. Look at how they dress. It is a fact that a lot of women just don't give a damm after they marry.

I also would like to point out that this is a North American problem (and include England in there too).

I will teach my son that unless society evolves back to some level of sanity - and by that I mean women's attitude, that he should never marry, or at east not a Western woman.

And I will teach my daughter that all the lip and attitude and entitlement she sees from women on TV will only lead her to ruin if she follows.

12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
Trying to win an emotional argument by rational analysis of objective evidence ?
Oh, the Horror !
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
Marriage is more than just sex. Shared values, sense of humor, empathy for each other, a shared long-term vision, and the ability to argue but not fight are the cornerstones of bonding. Bonding leads to sexual receptivity, not the other way around. An absence of the physical is an indication of a failed union. Why post charts and air grievances to the world? Divorce and look for someone with whom you can share a life, not just s bed.
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
I am going to level with you gals...listen up, because I'm pretty sure after talking to many a man in my life for a number of years now, this rule holds in general if your interested.

And I suspect most of you gals understand this innately - women's intuition and such.

Speaking as someone in a long-term and only marriage, and I obviously can speak only as a man, here's what I've discovered.

There's a lot of lonely women in the world, much of it their own doing.

And if you're a man over 50 who has remained physically capable, in shape as much as 50+ can be expected to be without the gut, don't have a criminal record, and have something of personal worth like a home and an income, many lonely women are apparently willing and able to offer what they got for a risk you just might be willing to have a fling for some bling and perhaps much needed attention.

At the risk of sounding sexist, here's the honest truth. I love my wife and for all the right reasons. She's my best friend. She's the mother to my children. She's a great partner, provides pretty much unconditional love, and she's fun. I've never physically strayed, though I've ogled, hopefully inconspicuously. And the reason I've never strayed is two fold. God, and the fact I don't want to lose risking my wife. But I'd be lying through my teeth if I didn't mention there's plenty of things to look at that are interesting. Some women take that as an insult. Smart women know better.

But the temptation remains, as every real man has at one time or another thought about a harem - the Mrs. and then a couple of tramps so you don't have to bother the Mrs.. And if I were to be completely cut off for no other reason than my wife didn't want to do the dirty deed anymore, the temptation would become even greater to ogle.

Not to be crude, but in a man's world it's often referred to as the little head overriding the big one. And that is about as biologically and chemically induced as it gets. And at least for me, that induction has never gone away.

So for no other reason than helping to keep your guy on the straight and narrow, it's a dumb tactic to use sex or the lack thereof as a tactic for any length of time as men will invariably take that as a signal either something terribly wrong or you don't love him.
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12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
Heinlein - 'Podkayne of Mars'
Bratty young girl: Why is it that men only want one thing from a woman ?
Experienced woman: Wrong question; The right question is:
The world being what it is, why should they ever want anything else ?

Heinlein also (re) invented, or better extended the marriage contract
to cover all those issues that women want to leave to their discretion.

I happened to come across a word of advice to wives from a doctor in
a book dated way back in 1950. Paraphased: Do not expect to enjoy sex
with your husband at first, or every time, but with practice learn to make
it a satisfying experience for both of you.
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
So umm would "getting some on the side" help when there's imbalance of want/need?
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
Well, at least the couple in bed is a man and a woman.
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
Someone sounds like The Ladies Man from Sat. Night Live. Just play some R&B and light some incense. Then get her staggering drunk.

Christo! I've never worked a date like that - why would I have to hypnotize my own wife. I've never met a woman who isn't ready to go perfectly well on their own without me pretending I'm Patton's Third Army outflanking an entrenched enemy. Usually when women don't want to have sex they signify that by not being in a marriage.
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
Some would say that many women signify that they don't want to have sex by being in a marriage.

"What food is guaranteed to reduce a woman's sex drive by 90%?"
"Wedding cake."

Perhaps this whole issue is really no more complicated than two people be respectful and honest with each other.
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
And in this instance, get a divorce... like yesterday.
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
Agree. There is probably someone else in the picture but in any case she needs to move on and spare this guy the loss of his prime time. Has anyone ever been "talked" back into intimacy once it is gone?
12 weeks ago
12 weeks ago Link To Comment
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