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50 Is the New Crappy

My doctor made me send my poop through the mail and other indignities.

by
Kathy Shaidle

Bio

July 17, 2014 - 9:00 am
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I just got back from the mammogram I don’t believe in.

In the spring, my doctor handed me an envelope decorated with a cluster of bright balloons and the words “Happy Birthday!”

Alas, this deceptively cheerful package concealed the usual tips on diet and exercise, plus requisition forms for all the annual medical tests I’d be getting from now on.

The mammogram is bad enough. I got my first one before having my doubts about the procedure confirmed, and now I’m stuck in the “Ontario Breast Screening Program” because “free” “health” “care.”

But now I also have to get blood work for cholesterol (how 1970s!), glucose and a bunch of other things, plus an ECG.

The worst part: I need to send little swabs of poo* through the mail. (Although it could be worse: it could be my job to open those envelopes. And a special shout-out to my Facebook friend for sharing her “float a Chinet dessert plate in the toilet” trick.)

It’s all part of the splendor and pageantry of turning 50.

(* As you can see from the video below, which my tax dollars helped pay for, “poo” is the actual scientific term!)

All Comments   (22)
All Comments   (22)
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I really got hooked into watching several Dr. Davis videos. All that scientistic stuff had my head spinning, felt like I was watching an episode of Alton Brown's old "Good Eats" where he screwed up and created a scientific food graphic designed to take away our appetites.

If you have actual celiacs disease, you gotta pass on wheat and everything with wheat in it.

But for the rest of us, I was reminded of a Frank Zappa song... "It will cure your asthma too... who you jivin' with that cosmic debris" "(Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho)".

Espresso and cigarettes are wheat free!
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
Dear Kathy,

While I disagree with a lot of what you say, you remind me of my time living in Toronto in the 70s and 80s.

You may be complaining about getting old (I do too), you have to admit it's better than the alternative.

You have outlived The Turning Point, Larry's Hideaway, Club Dominoes and dozens of other great punk clubs.

You outlived Frankie Venom, Handsome Ned and many other Forgotten Rebels.

Besides, if you hate Canada's healthcare system you can always refuse to see your doctor and send poo through the mail (unless medicine is compulsory in Canada now).

I saw the Ramones dozens of times. Some of the little kids I know envy me being old enough to have seen the greatest rock and roll band in history so often. Don't tell me you never saw them live.
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
Kwitcherbelliakin
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
You can start again when you are 75.
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
I just turned 60 two days ago. I wouldn't mind being 50.
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
"This year I decided that, nearly 13 years after 9/11, I’ve read all the books I ever needed to with the word “Islam” in the title."

I hear that. 911 was the impetus to learn all I could about the religion of "not interested in" peace. Nada Mas.

It's not healthy to be fixated on appearance or obsessed with potential dis-ease, the culture, drug companies and even the medical profession may all be faulted.

Happy Birthday, the upside of having accumulated some decades is that the slings and arrows of public opinion can be laughed off.

As my grandmother said (and maybe Shakespeare, too)..."This above all to thine own self be true"
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
Currently, I have it all figured out....I graphed it out and came to this conclusion:

I only have to work until I'm 107 and a half.

After that it's all gravy, man!
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
Your doubts about mammography were confirmed... by an article in Taki's Magazine? I strongly urge you to rethink that particular topic, and that you don't live to regret your error!
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
With or without cancer, I get my smokes back at 70. I figure I'll need them to help me die sooner seeing as all four of my grandparents made it into their 90's and did the linger at the nursing home for years thing and I don't want to go that way.
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
Buy the ticket, enjoy the ride.
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
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