5 Rules for Spanking Your Child
Before she could walk on her own or speak a complete sentence, her tenacious personality glistened through her dark blue eyes.
Like most toddlers, Chelsea learned to pull herself up to practice walking around the furniture. At the time we had a large, heavy octagon coffee table, which quickly became the favorite gathering place for the wobbly-leg crowd.
Our tiny house made it easy to watch Chelsea crawl and explore the living room while I worked in the kitchen. As small as it was, I still couldn’t get to her in time.
She stood up next to the table. With every open-palm smack of the surface came squeals of delight — until she missed the tabletop and lost her balance. She fell face first, catching her chin on the way down.
The dull thud sent me darting into the living room. I arrived just in time to witness an omen.
With tears streaming down her face, her eyes narrowed as she grabbed the table’s edge with both hands and bit into it with all her might, as if she wanted to be sure to imprint each new tooth. Then, she pulled away, with a self-satisfied “That’ll teach you to hurt me” look washing over her face.
I dropped onto the couch as she turned and grinned at me with total satisfaction. The teeth marks in the table were a clear sign that this child had a spirit that could conquer her world.
The personalities of individual children along with unique family dynamics make any theory on raising children subjective and controversial. All children should not be disciplined the same, but rather in accordance to their own temperament and personality — in short, whatever works for your family.
There are children that test their boundaries, push their limits, and question the rules — on a daily basis. Their philosophy of life is “Edges are made to make life exciting.” Then, there’s the child whose doctrine is “Edges are boundaries — they are in place to make life safe. Rules are our friends.”
If this is your child, congratulations — you’ve hit the parental lottery. There’s no need to read any further. Enjoy your peace, and try not to judge the rest of us.
The following rules are for parents who believe in using the politically incorrect parenting method of corporal punishment — who are raising the table biters of today to grow into the movers and shakers of tomorrow.
5. Be Truthful and Consistent, It Could Save His Life — or a Nose.
Pearl flopped down on the living room floor with a fork in her hand and began excavating the carpet like an archaeologist scraping for dinosaur fossils.
Her mother sat just a few feet away from her, curled up on the couch cradling a heating pad. She hadn’t felt good for the past three days. The constant pain in her abdomen left her drained.
“Pearl, please stop digging in the carpet,” her mother said with a polite, almost pleading voice.
The pudgy three-year-old looked up but stayed quiet as she waited for her mother to close her eyes once again. Her bangs fell across her eyes as she went back to work.
“Pearl, I said stop digging that fork into the carpet! I’m going to spank you if you don’t stop it now.”
Again, the busy little girl looked up but didn’t say a word. She brushed the hair out of her eyes and rested her chin in the palms of her hands, leaving the fork within reach. When she saw her mother lean her head back to rest, Pearl assumed it was safe to begin her research again.
Hearing a gouging sound, her mother yelled, “PEARL! I said STOP IT! Or I’m going to spank you.”
Frozen in place, lifting nothing except her eyes, Pearl softly asked, “Are you really going to get up?”
Even a three-year-old knows how to play the odds.
Children test their boundaries. It’s your job to keep them firmly in place.
It can be comical watching a toddler bait his parents into counting, or seeing the vein in his mom’s head pop out before he conforms — that is, if he’s not your child. Don’t kid yourself: he knows just how many times you’re willing to repeat yourself before getting up — or whether you will at all.
When we are inconsistent in enforcing our rules, they become hollow and our children no longer trust our words of warning. Ultimately, he will play the odds, not realizing his safety is at risk.
4. All Spanking Offenses Must Be Made Known in Advance, Carved in Stone, and Fully Understood.
Whatever mischief the term “all-boy” brings to your mind, you can apply that to two-year old Christopher.
At the time, my husband Mike was stationed in West Berlin, Germany, and we lived off base without a car, dependent on public and military transportation. The thought of this rambunctious little boy escaping in the middle of a city with 2.2 million people terrified me.
When I expressed my fears to another military mom, ten years my senior, she gave me the best parenting advice I have ever received.
She explained,
Tell him once what you want him to do. If he doesn’t listen, take his cute, chubby little cheeks in your hand and look him in the eyes and say, “Listen to mama…and repeat your instruction.” If he fails to obey, once you’re sure he has heard and understands you — let the punishment fit the crime.
Expect to have to follow through for the next week until he catches on.
Within a week, I had an obedient toddler that could ride the city transit systems anywhere with me. I didn’t fear that he’d dart off.
Try this method of making eye contact and giving him a key phrase like “Listen to mama.” Then follow with the information he needs to make an informed decision and count the cost: “If you… I will…”
Once you’re sure he knows the consequences, then follow through.
3. Never Use Excess Force.
From infancy, Hannah was kind and considerate. She seemed to look up at you and say, “Do you mind if I nurse? It won’t take me long, it’s just that I’m really hungry.” Then she would gently begin, glancing up occasionally just to make sure all was well.
Excess force doesn’t necessarily mean swatting a bottom too hard or child abuse — that’s a given. However, the excess force rule is anything more than needed to correct an individual child’s behavior.
If you have several children in your home, you most likely have just as many different temperaments. If your family is genetically prone to edge walkers, I’m willing to bet somewhere quietly tucked in the middle of the chaos is a little Cindy Lou Who.
For some children, the tone in your voice comes through harder than swats on the behind.
2. Never Spank a Child in Public.
Like marital disagreements, child discipline is a private matter. Don’t publicly humiliate your child. Enough said.
1. Give Affection at Least at a Rate of 10 to 1.
Some kids are harder to love than others.
Several years ago I received a phone call from an exasperated young mother. She had three children, none of which she seemed to enjoy much — especially the youngest.
He was old enough to make her life miserable and young enough to still need his mom’s attention. From the outside looking in, it looked like the boy needed a trip to the woodshed with his Dad.
Hanging up the phone, I realized that she never mentioned their quiet, loving moments together. Usually, every kid has some time of day where they are most affectionate and open.
Calling her back, I asked, “How often do you just sit and rock him? Or read a book to him? Do you tell him that you love him everyday?”
A quick “No” came back on every count. She explained that she spent so much time exasperated that any quiet moments were viewed as a needed break. She didn’t “feel” affectionate very often.
It seems obvious. Of course all children need affection. But that’s easy to say when you’re not in the trenches with an obnoxious, strong-willed child who wants to cut his own path in life — right through your living room.
Thus, the most important rule for parents is to always make sure affection and one-on-one time is spent at a ratio of at least ten to one.
***
Check out more of Rhonda Robinson’s articles on parenting and families here at PJ Lifestyle:
5 Ways Parents Can Transform Their Wild Boys Into Mature Men
Rielle Hunter’s Stunted Fantasy Life
4 Signs a Sexual Predator Could Be in Your Child’s Life
The 5 Most Brutal Lies You Tell Your Child
6 Lies You Should Tell Your Kids
Cohabitation: How to Become a 21st Century Concubine
I disagree with “no spanking in public”; we’ve used a lot of different strategies, depending on the child and the situation, as you noted. But in public, we have limited possibilities. There isn’t a place for time-out, there aren’t any “punishment jobs”. Most of our spanking is for children between about 18 months (very light of course: slap on hand using wrist muscles only, for scissors or electrical outlets, saying “OW! OW!” instead of “no, no sweetie, mustn’t electrocute”) and four or five years old. Our thinking is that spanking is primarily for those situations where you WANT the child to associate the activity with discomfort. So, as you noted in #4, we’ll say “If you run in the parking lot, it will hurt. Either you’ll get hit by a car, or I will spank you. It will hurt.” “What if those paper towel rolls you knocked down were bowling balls? You may not break the store!”
AMEN, AMEN, AMEN!!! We had the “three strikes, you’re spanked” rule. We made sure they understood what was required of them. That’s only fair. If they insisted on testing those limits, then it was the board of education applied to the seat of knowledge.
We did not have to be angry or hurtful, just consistent. My three children are joyful, well adjusted adults today. No excessive teenage dramas, no drinking to excess/drugging/whoring.
The public spanking thing depends on the severity of the crime. If it involves blood, broken bones or some kind of other danger, the place didn’t matter. If it was a matter of expected behavior, then a stern look and the invitation to a private place was sometimes the only thing necessary.
A bit of advice I’ve heard (and without kids have never had the opportunity to use) is “Never hit your kid when you are angry”. It goes along with the warning about “excess force”, but might be useful for how to avoid going over that line. Be sure that the decision to turn to violence is rational, not emotional.
“Violence” is more a matter of child abuse.
Spanking, on the other hand, when done with the intent to correct / discipline a child for misbehavior is not violence.
Huuuuuuge difference!
Same theory applies when training dogs or horses. Never discipline in anger directs the appropriate discipline to achieve the wanted behavior. Disciplining in anger is just child abuse.
“Never hit your kid when you are angry”
Sorry but I think that’s crap. What are you supposed to do – ignore the infraction until everything’s cooled down and everyone is sitting around all happy and stuff and then “SMACK, that’ll show you, you little bastard”. All done with a happy smile on your face. Talk about messing up a child and ensuring that they’re going to have problems down the line.
I’m being snarky here and I don’t really mean to be. Obviously you don’t want to go apes**t on your kid and I’m a big believer in the 10-1 love to discipline ratio but…I have been conditioned through long years of experience to question all those sayings that have passed mindlessly into becoming the accepted norm. I question everything, but ultimately…I trust my parental instincts the most.
I absolutely agree 100%!!!
Seeing that you are clearly reaching your limit, letting some anger show, is important for the kid to learn the life lesson of how to read people.
The ‘never in anger’ nonsense sends horribly mixed signals.
Plus I’ve seen plenty of parents who bought that line bottle it all up then, when they crack, are the ones about to commit real child abuse. Instead of doing it when ‘angry’, they wait and do it ‘crazy’.
As a parent, you should learn to control your anger. Parents who spank while angry are the ones likeliest to step over that line into abuse. If you’re having trouble controlling your anger, it’s probably better to use other punishments while you cool off, like a time-out in the corner.
If you’re getting angry at children too young for time-out, spanking later, to work, then you probably need to get some help with a counselor, a minister, or your own parents. I don’t remember every getting truly angry with my children until they were of an age to be somewhat rational. Toddlers just don’t understand that pudding and your new laptop computer do not mix well, and getting angry with them over it is kind of like getting angry at vapor – except toddlers break easily.
Besides this, modeled behavior is the best teaching tool any child could ever hope for. A parent who controls themselves well with the children is likely to have well-behaved children later on.
The idea is to not be angry when it becomes necessary to spank your child. Either stay in control as you watch your kid do something wrong, or learn to regain control in seconds.
Note that I always interpreted “angry” in this rule (I’ve heard it too) as specifically “so angry that you’re not in control of yourself”. If you have access to a level of angry below that, that’s okay.
And you can act angry. That’s okay too. (As long as you mention it’s an act to him later, when you’re offering tips with his kids.)
Heinlein covered this topic in a few well-crafted paragraphs
the essence of which is that pain trains children just as well
as puppies, and those who deny this evolutionary adaptation
are the true child abusers; Self control is learned young, or
not at all.
Well, I tell a lie; Military training can accomplish the same goal.
As my MTI said: Men, you are going to be under control your entire lifes,
your only choice is whether the control comes from inside or outside.
Unbelievable that spanking is still debated. Frustrated parents hitting their kids because they refuse to accept that there are alternatives. Oy!
to act like spanking is never appropriate is “head in the clouds” nonsense.
Head in the clouds nonsense? Wow. That’s the second thing I have never been accused of. Hitting my kids is the first.
I am also the mother of two boys: aged 24 and 21. They were spanked for willful disobedience, lying and in-your-face disrespect. Result? Self-controlled men who have waited / are waiting for marriage for sex, have no substance abuse problems and serve their communities / family as men. The crowning moment came when they told their father, “Dad, thanks for raising me right.”
Maybe you have compliant, angelic boys, but if not, you are unwisely limiting the arsenal of tools that you can use to mold your boys. I respect your choice and wish you the best.
Willful disobedience, disrespect and lying are dealt with effectively in my home, and without physical contact. My kids have brains and can be reasoned with. Shocking, I know.
I used spanking, sparingly, on my boys. Trust me, they needed it!
Result: three young men aged 15-25 who are worthy of my pride – kind and considerate, NO substance abuse, NO issues with girls, smart and (usually) motivated. I will lay my parenting techniques side-by-side with those of any liberal, and dare them to criticize the results.
BTW, if you look at child development data by folks like Piaget, you’ll see that young children aren’t capable of reasoning, and that teenagers don’t have a well-developed off-switch in their brains. You CAN’T reason with children as you would an adult. People who claim to have been able to reason out all development problems with their children are almost certainly fooling themselves.
I also have two young men who are well-behaved, motivated, kind and productive. I am complimented on them all the time by teachers, neighbors, coaches and others who interact with them. I am not a ‘liberal’ by any means, nor did I raise them with ‘liberal’ values. I simply chose to not use corporal punishment.
I agree that toddlers can’t reason, but if their caregivers watch them carefully enough and manage their surroundings, there is never a need to spank. And teens, I agree, don’t have well developed brains but behavior modification is easily accomplished by removal of privileges or other disciplinary tools. Hitting is never ‘necessary’. It’s the lie parents tell themselves when they weren’t watching their kids closely enough.
“It’s the lie parents tell themselves when they weren’t watching their kids closely enough.”
I’m happy for you that God has blessed you with children that have responded well, and conformed to your house rules without much pain on your part. That is truly a blessing, and makes parenting so much more joyful. However, I caution you to suspend judgement you seem to cast so easily on other parents.
Some parents are raising, what I call the “edge walkers.” They are the Lewis and Clarks of our time. They aren’t wired to simply accept anything on your word. They are hardwired to test, and push limits. It’s our job to see that these children make it out of childhood alive, and into adulthood without any prison excursions.
Out of nine, I had two of these. Today they are productive adults with families of their own and have told me they appreciate my commitment to making sure they stayed on the straight and narrow– that included spanking when needed.
Funny that you asked me to suspend judgement when you are in fact judging me. How do you know what type of kids I have? You assume that since I chose to not spank that I must’ve had angels. You assumed wrongly. It was extremely difficult but spanking is simply one tool in any parent’s tool box. I chose to not spank because I was raised by parents who spanked and I hated it.
Like I said, that “spanking is necessary” is the lie parents tell themselves when they aren’t watching their kids closely enough.
I have another rule: Instant spanking for behavior which potentially endangers the child’s life. Actual examples: Sticking your tongue in an electrical outlet; playing with the gas burner on the stove; before front seat airbags, messing with the controls of the automobile. Associating immediate pain with potentially deadly behavior is a kindness, not a fault.
When my daughter insisted on playing with my Oxy-Acetylene torch though, I thought of an alternative. I lit the torch off with a rosebud tip, creating a tongue of flame 24 inches long, held it where we could both safely feel the heat, and loudly instructed: don’t hurt the baby, don’t burn the baby. It worked, she was cured. She even took shop in school later.
Then there was the time my three year old son decided to play with the controls of my airplane while I was distracted. I hadn’t thought he could reach them while strapped in, but that was wrong. He un-slaved the magnesyn compass, which feeds the autopilot, and slewed it to the wrong heading. That caused the autopilot to roll the aircraft inverted when I engaged it. He looked pretty startled when I over-rode the system with a bunch of muscle. It Startled me too. He didn’t get spanked though, I think he learned the lesson. I’m just glad his belt held.
We raised two boys, more or less successfully. One of them rarely needed anything physical to get his attention, the other would have been killed by a car or some other childhood catastrophe w/o it. Kids are different and parents do them a dis-service by abdicating their responsibilities.
The offense for which children are most likely to be punished is not finishing what’s on their plates. When they grow up, they will then eat even if they’re not hungry and even if they know they’re overweight. Punishment leads to obesity.
http://www.jochnowitz.net/Essays/ObesityAndHell.html
Jewish parents are relatively unlikely to spank their children. Jewish children are relatively likely to grow up to be successful The opposite is also true.
And that would be an example of something that is clearly an inappropriate use of spanking.
I recall an associate who commented he could not recall his father EVER using force…however observed that he must have ONCE….because when the old man barked he heeded….
I had an instance with a neighbour kid who was raised “non-violently”…never spanked etc….as a parent was not easy going but totally intolerant which lead to my needing to interveen to prevent this non-adult from beating his child to a pulp….
So much for Dr. Spock…….
Never hitting when angry….IMHO…raising kids is much like taming animals….consequences delayed are not associated with the offence/hazard….you are not dealing with adults…you don’t yell at the dog next day if the dog strays onto the street/road….would you.
Not “Never spank the child when you’re angry.” Rather, “Never spank the child until you have your anger under control.”
The point is not to let your anger fuel excess reaction. Once you have a grip on your anger, you’re okay to administer punishment, and this act of self-control on your part is also noticed by the child.
Dear Ms. Robinson,
I genuinely appreciate your article.
Each of my kids, at one point or another, has said “Daddy – you’re my best friend”
Although I was thrilled to hear this each time, I felt that it was my duty to assure them that “No honey – I am not your friend.” “I am your Dad.”
My explaination to them was that their “friends” will never love them as much as I do.
Their friends will not use all means necessary to ensure that they grow into healthy, happy, self controlled, self disciplined, adults with a strong work ethic. I will.
Their friends are not guaranteed be willing to face their disfavor, or even hatred, if that’s what it takes to keep them from self destructive paths. I am.
Their friends may not care that they have a well earned self respect, and respect for others who have also earned it. I care mightily.
I love them so much that I will spank them, if I must, to teach them the lessons, and give them the tools, that they will need to take care of themselves when they have grown beyond my protection.
Spankings enforce boundaries that grow as they do, but love and affection furnish the area inside with a rich environment for them to grow and thrive within.
Spankings are rare, but hugs happen constantly.
“Spankings are rare, but hugs happen constantly.”
That sums it up perfectly.
Humm! Start with:1) cajolling, and small talk “Now, sniffy, be nice!” Don’t do that, it’s naughty! 2) escalate to “Quiet time!” 3) a little more intensity, say, “Go, to your room!” 4) A more severe, firmer action? a firm swat on a soft patch of the infants bottom (open hand is good),5) still incorrigible behaviour? In the quiet of infants room, remove belt (or hair brush will do ,just fine) and a firm but well placed “smack!” should establish dominance. 6) Full stress mode…just lose it, go for broke. Remove infants clothing, lay then across their bed (has to be their bed..see, this is now personal and every time they go to bed, BINGO! memories pop up) and just paddle their little cheeky-cheek, cheeks with a ping pong paddle. Sure, uncontrollable sobbing, wailing etc. will ensue…but the Rulers Roost has be righted. Lastly, infant just is totally out of control??? Adult behaviour is now summoned! The Baseball Bat…tha’ll fix the little buggers attitude (see, in red-neck country, this is just plain’ol “attitude adjustment, bubba!!”) Just let your full force energy ‘flow through your body!!!” It’ll feel great. Of course, some reparations will be called for. OH! Almost forgot…most important, infants room must, must be sound proofed. Life Is Good! As a total Dictator, a “love-hate” relationship is established with the infant. Child psychology 101.
Maybe you wrote this intending sarcasm but it doesn’t come across that way. You just seem like an idiot.
My children are grown now, and turned out well. I/we spanked as necessary, noting the following:
1. Spanking offences were a) wilful rudeness to their mother, b) wilful disobedience of a direction they heard and understood. c)moving after a command, “…Stop!”. These were action-reaction, everywhere and always spanking offences, and they did not get spanked for lesser ones, regardless of our bad mood, or escape them just because the parents were in a good mood.
2. Not much point in doing it before age 2, and too much psychodrama involved in doing it after about 10.
3. They had to go get the shoe, and tell me why they were being spanked. Sometimes their reasoning was different from what I’d thought, and they got off.
4. It has to be enough to be sharply disagreeable, and we allowed privacy for recovery, and did not tolerate gloating from their siblings.
Unsurprisingly, because they knew I was ready, willing and able to spank, I rarely had to, and was also able to calmly watch far-wandering children, and control them with a calm remark, while “no-spank” parents were dithering, fretting, threatening, and having to follow their little fellows around like hyperactive hens.
Calm, fair, and consistent. Worked for us. Best, David
I have 4 kids all born within 4 years. I spank for things that could kill them quickly-running into the street, playing with cleaners if they managed to get ahold somehow, and blatantly ignoring m commands (because if I tell you STOP, there’s a reason I may not have time to rationally explain to you right then). I also make it immediate-cause and effect should follow right on top of one another for the little ones. As they grow, unpleasant anticipation might become more effective. We’ll see.
My primary job is to get them to 18 functioning and capable. Sparing them any embarrassment or physical discomfort would be doing them a disservice.
I recall my mother spanking me once for hitting my brother. As she struck me, she said, “There’s never an excuse to hit anyone!” Seriously?
I can’t imagine hitting my child and them learning anything of value from it. How about this rule for spanking your child; DON’T! Spanking is hitting, and short of self-defense, my mother was right…there’s never a good reason to strike anyone, ever.
Positive Discipline is an awesome book, the techniques are effective, and I highly recommend it. Besides, it’s easier to read a book and try a new idea than to hit your child, right?
No offense but your mother must have been one bad hypocrite. Still though, I do get your point.
Before even reading on further, I can tell you i you are a parent whom has never spanked your child, IMHO you are a failure.
Why? Millions of parents have raised productive, successful members of society by NOT spanking them. IMHO if you are a parent who cannot come up with an alternative to spanking that works, you are a failure. Just saying. There’s other ways to discipline your child besides hitting him/her that actually work, you know.
Never, never, never discipline your child when you’re angry. Swallow your rage first then, do whatever is necessary whether it happens to be; just words, time out, toy restriction, or actual corporal punishment. Just DO NOT do it when you’re mad.
Also, never disagree with your spouse about discipline or family rules in front of your child. My children learned early on that if my wife’s mouth is moving, it’s me talking, and vice versa.
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