Reasons to Have Children!
I read with interest Kathy Shaidle’s post here at PJ Lifestyle called “I Kid You Not: Top Four Reasons I Don’t Have Children.”
She mentions a couple of reasons such as bad personal experiences whereby you might end up ruining your kid’s life and bad genetics and other reasons such as your temperament and pop culture. Okay, the latter two, especially the former, I understand. You don’t have the temperament for children. Okay, fair enough, but as for ruining your kid’s life, why does it have to be that way? If you had a bad childhood, doesn’t it make sense to have children so that you can give them a better life than you had? As for genetics, don’t we all know people who don’t seem that great who have kids who are fine, or at least okay? Even people who are depressed don’t necessarily have kids who are depressed. And if they are? Get them treatment, just as you would for diabetes or other ailments. Apparently, comedian Sarah Silverman does not want kids because they might have mental illness which runs in her family. Human beings have problems – do you have to be perfect to be born? I hope not because we would all be goners.
Kids can be amazing. Those of us with offspring know that though raising kids can be the most frustrating of experiences, it can also be the most rewarding. Kids can show you a side of yourself that you never knew existed. How many times did you think some habit or trait in yourself was because of your childhood, only to find out that your child had the same trait or habit even though they were raised totally differently than you? How many times has your child said something and made you see the world a different way and made you re-examine yourself in a way that is fascinating or reflective?
Kids are fun! Are kids sometimes drudgery and work? Well, yes. But they are also fun. Ms. Shaidle says kids are are “poor conversationalists” and “their jokes aren’t funny.” In other words, they aren’t fun to be around and are dull. But so are some adults. Kids are just people, some of them are really neat and fascinating to talk with and observe. Even psychologist Jean Piaget found his kids so fascinating that he studied them for his life’s work. How boring can they all be?
Kids give you a chance to see someone develop and grow in ways you never thought possible and give you the chance to do the same. They go from being babies who need constant care to capable adults who make their own way in the world (if you are lucky). They teach you how to care for someone fragile and how to let go of someone competent. That is an amazing accomplishment in and of itself.
Finally, kids, as they get older, do become good conversationalists for the most part and are good companions as one gets older, if you are lucky. It may not always happen, but it often does.
I believe that everyone should make their own choices regarding parenthood, and their choice should be respected. Parenthood is not for everyone, just as certain people do not wish to be in a long-term relationship. I get that. Everyone should pusue their own version of life, liberty and happiness. But to give up the gift of being a parent because one is afraid that a child will be too short or because you fear the child will be depressed or you, as a parent, might be trapped with a bad conversationalist is to give up a precious gift that might just be the best thing that ever happened to you. Though in life, there are no guarantees, children are often worth the gamble.
A very good reply to Kathy, and one made with due respect for her private decision.
One thing I would add is that there are good reasons to have “childREN.” Having one child teaches you a lot. Having more than one teaches you even more.
Among many other things, you learn to appreciate the uniqueness of human beings, the individuality that starts even in the womb. (How anyone who has had more than one child can be an ant-hill, one-size-fits-all socialist is beyond me!)
You also learn that parental love is strangely beyond time and space, that you can love later children as much as the first one, without the slightest diminishing of that first love. No zero-sum economy there!
Bill Cosby once said that you aren’t really a parent if you only have one child. With one child, if something is broken, you know who did it.
He also said that a child’s name should end in a vowel sound because that carries further when you’re calling his name, as in “Tommmmeeee!” verses “Bill!”
His mom just needed to get more creative with the vowel. You can’t imagine the yell I can get out of “Jaaaaaaaaaaack”! And there’s the satisfying snap of the consonant at the end, for emphasis.
As long as the full complete name is not shouted out. That is the sure signal that one has some music to face…and the sooner its done the better everyone will feel.
Oh… not just the full first name. It’s the full first name Plus the middle name…
Nah, the first & middle names are just the warning. Yelling the full legal name? THEN you are in trouble……
Unless they’re ALL in trouble; it’s hard enough yelling “JamesLizHelenAnnieDayoPaulMaryTom” without adding middle names.
The math is interesting, isn’t it? Adding children multiplies a parent’s love.
I raised three by myself and they all treated me better than I treated my parents. They are grown and productive now and I prefer talking to them above anyone else. I don’t think it was all luck. It took some work, but it was worth it.
People spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to go meditate with a guru. They lose sleep, the say the same words over and over and over and over. They try to reach this ‘out of mind’ state of existence and ‘yield to the universe’…okay, well, why not devote yourself, your time, your attention, your word-span, your sleep, your mind, your body, to an 8 pound guru. You won’t have to wear an orange sheet, or hang out at airports or anything.
You just have a delivery- not much mind going on there, six months of total sleep deprivation, and then a little less, chanting bka night-night songs or books- and complete and total devotion. You don’t have to eat Indian food unless you want to. It’s a pretty good trade, all things considered. Same benefits, less airport gooniness.
Then, well, Dale Carnegie-ness. You love yourself best. You love your spouse best, amongst all other people. Well, you get to do a chocolate/ peanut butter= Reese’s cups sort of thing- your bits+ spouse bits= baby. It’s pretty cool. Out of what you throw away ( honestly, does anyone have a single fond memory of monthly pads) and what he’s embarassed about-( is anyone proud of their porn explosion?)- out of this fluff, you spin a person. Not a bad trick. It’s like making diamonds out of pocket lint.
and, well, you can be completely batshit crazy, full-on paranoid schizophrenic, let’s watch out for aliens from mars b/c it’s tuesday, and your kid will still love you. I can think of a half-dozen people with parents like that, and the kids are great, good, compassionate people. writers, artists, movie- biz types, nurses, police, teachers. amazing numbers of football players have dads in jail- that kid might be the best thing that the parents ever did.
I love that last part – yes, some parents get a child who is SO much more than that parent was – to me, that’s a living example of God’s Mercy.
Like most people, my only regret is that I didn’t enjoy the experience more at the time – I fretted, worried, and looked for some time away from them. That’s the nice thing about grandchildren – you can enjoy the process more.
Some people don’t want to have children and that’s fine for whatever reason.
Some people want to have children but can’t. Others may have one child and wanted more but couldn’t for medical reasons. Those are sad cases.
The simple fact remains, if the human race stops having children, we go extinct. Even in places that are having children but well below the replacement rate (such as Japan and much of Europe), there are serious consequences to society.
If you want to have children, have children. However, if you are a man, there is a greater than 50% chance the mother is going to try to rip your children out of your life.
So, be prepared.
Kind of depends on the quality of due diligence you do before you tie the knot — or the lack of DD before you hit the sheets. The man does need to be aware.
I had children late in life, my oldest daughter was born when I was 43. I had thought about not having children OR getting married. I pictured myself growing old and cranky in a bar, chasing bitter spinsters, not a pleasant picture.
I don’t miss being single and childless, although once a month would not be bad. I would never have done this much for anyone else through volunteering and the love that comes back from your children is something that cannot be found anywhere else, when you spend the good and bad times with them. If you remain childless, you miss a lot of what is human existence.
I also married later in life; my youngest came along the day after I turned 43. And while the lack of sleep is a bit more challenging at my age, I find that having small children around keeps me young. In any event, I find my children to be a blessing, albeit ones that occasionally make me pull out what little hair I have left.
Wow – I’d say that’s a statistic over which you have some control. It’s not random!
The “50% divorce rate” is a leftist propaganda myth. They conveniently include serial divorcers to rack up the stats.
That said, divorce is a choice. It’s not a random event.
Certainly, no one should have a child if they don’t want to be a parent. One thing that may not have been considered- your own children are FAR more interesting than other people’s children. Their diapers are not nearly as unpleasant to change as someone else’s baby. When they spit up on you, it’s just not that gross- it’s your own baby! Their first words, steps, dance, song, etc.- all are beyond precious simply because they are your own little baby.
My wonderful husband and father of our six children worked hard, was often out of town on business, leaving me on my own much of the time. Yes, it was very hard, seemingly unending work. Nearly every night ended the same, me in my bed or a child’s bed, surrounded by the little ones, reading stories.
Now all the kids are grown. I have a busy life with many friends, and many things I’m interested in. Yet there is no one I’d rather be with than my own family- I prefer their company to any other.
I’m quoting this entirely from Jon Gruber, because it so perfectly captures how I feel about my own kids:
Late last night, inspecting Santa’s handiwork, a simple thought occurred to me. A decade or so from now, when, say, I’m waiting for my son to come home from college for his winter break, and, when he does, he wants to spend his time going out with his friends — how much will I be willing to pay then to be able to go back in time, for one day, to now, when he’s eight years old, he wants to go to movies and play games and build Lego kits with me, and he believes in magic?
How much then, for one day with what my family has right now? How much? Everything.
The truth is, I’m the luckiest person in the world today. I hope you are too.
kalel666- you made me tear up!
“How much then, for one day with what my family has right now? How much? Everything.” Yes, exactly right.
Yes! I think this article is not quite up to what the subject requires. The simple fact is that life is a miracle, and to have children and raise them is to live within a miracle. To look into their eyes is to see God. I have two natural children of my own and one wonderful adopted daughter. She was a hard case and raising her was pure hell, but we made it through to the pure light of love. Now I have grandchildren including two girls from her. When they pass by, the stars fall and flowers grow in their footsteps. It is that wonderful. If you choose not to have children you can spend your life contemplating your own navel. Or you can have children, live in the miracle and grow a multi-generational family. It is worth every scream, every tear, every prayer in a dark pew at night. It is called living a life, and it is okay if you are not always in control of your life. Fate has bigger things in store for you. If you are unable to have children then please adopt. There are so many motherless souls who are waiting for you to just give yourself up for them. And why not, are your plans so important?
Continually amazed, entertained and unconditionally loved whether I deserved it or not; was my reaction to being a parent and now with grandkids it is x’s 2. The swelling of my heart is awesome when my youngest grand daughter repeats the run to my arms for a hug while shouting “PaPAAAAA”, the same as my children and 2 other grandchildren did. The amazement when they comprehend “me/I”, “the amount of 2″ for the 1st time, reading a book with more descriptive words than are on the page, climbing up into my lap when they are tired, to fall asleep, the amazement of observing a rolly polly or frog or lizard or garden snake; in their hand for the first time, the squeals and fight back when watching a scary movie or shouting out the correct answer to “Dora or Diego” question. Kids are great, perplexing, wonderful, complex,awesome,and when they are potty trained, totally whole human beings. I miss having them at home, every day. Luckily, I get to babysit every summer and have a brand new one just out of the oven to savor in my twilight years. Life is grand until we start the next adventure.
Having raised one child with profound developmental problems (which I have written about at length), and now two younger ones who are fine, I can say that my kids are by far the most important thing in this life to me. I couldn’t imagine not having them.
I find it very sad when friends say that they will never have kids. Their rationale is almost always based on misconceptions derived from popular culture. They truly don’t understand what they are missing. I only hope their ignorance last through their life. Ignorance is bliss, after all. But, discovering later that they missed the boat would be a harsh realization.
That and, usually, selfishness.
Disguised, of course, but selfishness nonetheless.
I have found, through my own experience anyway, that you may have reasons not to have children when you are young. As you grow older though, you may find that you regret that choice. It’s easy to go through life on your own when you are young. It’s much harder to deal with old age with no support from family. And friends just are not a reliable substitute for family. I’d recommend that folks at least keep their options open. I had friends that made a permanent decision not to have children while still in their 20s. I don’t think that’s a wise idea.
I agree with Susan HW! I only had four and it was a struggle, but there are no people I love more than I do them and their children. The happiest times are when I am with them. It’s ditto for my husband. They were and are a major glue between us even though we still love one another.
To have missed that experience is to have missed life at its fullest and richest.
A friend who is a father of eleven, told me when his wife was pregnant with number seven: “I don’t want to end up before my Maker and be told: “I had more blessings for you, but your refused to take them.”. Now that my three are grown, and not yet producing grandchildren, I know what he means.
Helen,
Your thoughts on this subject need wide dissemination, and I have linked you here: http://bobagard.blogspot.com/2012/06/having-kids-might-just-be-best-thing.html
Thanks very much for the link.
If you had a bad childhood, doesn’t it make sense to have children so that you can give them a better life than you had?
My dad walked away when I was three. In return, I spend pretty much all of my free time doing stuff with my kids. Some of us learn things NOT to do from our parents. To be fair, my stepdad came into my life when I was 13 and he’s still around almost 30 years after he and my mom split up, so I did have one good male example in my life.
“Sarah Silverman does not want kids because they might have mental illness which runs in her family.”
Based on her foul mouth and her treatment of Sarah Palin sounds reasonable to me.
Very touching and true comments. My wife and I were high-school sweethearts, married in our mid 20s, but didn’t have children until our late 30s. We both work long hours, which puts our two in day care — luckily we’ve found good places for our kids to stay. It gives me some guilt that others are “raising” our children for a big part of the day, but to have both of them run across the “Great Room” at the day care when they see me yelling “Daddy” takes quite a bit of the guilt away.
Just want to second the comments of others about cleaning up after your own children’s yuckiness, and about the priceless ness of the time when they are young — I’m a secondary teacher, so I do know a little about how teenagers are with parents…
One joy is watching them grow and learn right before your eyes. Take my almost two year old granddaughter — I can see neural pathways getting laid down faster than I can comprehend as we have a *conversation.* She sees she touches she tastes she she experiments she learns while I watch. How cool is that?
And then there comes that time when you realize your kids know more than you do about some really interesting things!
If Millionaire were on and I were a contestant I’d have my four kids as the possible Life Lines.
Life with kids is not boring, and usually for good reasons.
And there is plenty of time for “conversation” with adults, especially when the kids have moved on.
I have amazing conversations with all of them, from the five-year-old to the 21-year-old. “Mom! You can’t poop in a urinal!!”* “Mom, I had another amazing lecture with Professor Rustici today”. “Mom, the ABC song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star are the same tune”. “Mom, I’m trying to talk to my friend about abortion and she says…”. “Mom, how can there be an infinite number of planes through two points?” And then their friends come over and the fun really starts.
*glad I’m not the husband sometimes.
Lots of terrific points, Dr. Helen. I don’t want to be the person I was before I had children.
“Ms. Shaidle says kids are are “poor conversationalists” and “their jokes aren’t funny.” In other words, they aren’t fun to be around and are dull.” Other people’s kids might be dull, but your own? Never!
I had an acquaintance who did not want to have children because she hated to bring anyone into the world when it was just such a difficult and messed-up place. And yet she was managing just fine. I guess she didn’t think anyone else could cope.
Or become an elementary teacher. But you have to have an apptitude of some kind, like a wisp of patience or empathy in your being, to be successful at either.
I’d rather see my daughter ground a single or my son catch a bass than see all the World Cups and NBA Finals or next spectaculacular in the world.
Helen,
One of your best articles ever and the commentary is terrific from the readers.
I am profoundly sorry for those who cannot have children, because they know the sorrow of missing something wonderful.
I am profoundly sorry for those who do not want children, because they do not know the something wonderful of what they are missing.
My two week old eighth child is next to me on the couch, cuddled on her 9 yo brother’s chest. He had to wait til my 14yo and 12yo both had turns. Children are such a blessing, and siblings are the best gift you can give to the children you already have.
[Normally I don't post the same comment in different forums, but my following comment applies directly to this column and to Bridget Johnson's column, "Furry Friday: Pets Aren't Kid Substitutes" (June 15, 2012). If that's a problem, you're welcome to remove my following comment]:
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I realize ecological concerns don’t count for much in this forum, but I’ve got the Mexicans mad at me for trying to keep them from further overpopulating our country with their foolish overbreeding (efforts which Obuma sabotaged this very day), so I might as well annoy you readers while I’m at it.
I considered overpopulation a menace as a teenager in the ’60′s and decided never to have kids. As the decades have gone by, I’d like to think I’m wiser now (you know the one about not having a heart if you’re not liberal at 20, and not having a brain if you’re still liberal later).
Anyway, I’m glad I never had kids (that’s your cue to declare “I’m glad you didn’t have kids too!!”).
No, I don’t want humans (or any race of humans) to go extinct (I’m white).
But it’s clear to me a whole lot of people aren’t fit to be parents, and should NEVER be pressured into becoming them. I honestly like to see happy children with loving self-supporting parents.
But I prefer the company of dogs and wild places. Zero regrets. No offense intended.