A reader sent me an interesting article from the Daily Mail about why older men have a hard time finding love again. The author, Liz Hodgkinson, is a woman, of course. Men unfortunately, rarely write about relationships from their perspective. I wish they would. Anyway, the author “explores” why older men are no longer interested in a relationship with a woman and talks about psychiatrist Dennis Friedman’s new book The Lonely Hearts Club:
Dr Friedman tells the stories of about a dozen men between 50 and 80 — all but one divorced, widowed or never married — who are composites of his former patients, and investigates why there’s such a cavernous gulf between them and their female peers. He wants to explore why, despite the fact that more of us than ever before are finding ourselves single later in life, we are incapable of pairing up with each other.
Friedman’s male characters are discontented and disorientated, wondering where they have gone wrong, and whether they can put things right. Above all, they agonise over whether they will ever again be able to find happiness in an intimate relationship.
They may be partly fictional, but they certainly ring bells with me; they are all examples of the kind of standard issue, unattractive older men I come across all the time.
Later on, the author of the piece gives us a glimpse of the real reason she and possibly her cohorts have no man:
At the moment, I have three rather persistent admirers — one is a friend of my late partner and I met the other two through mutual friends — but there is no rapport or chemistry between us.
When I asked one of them what he had to offer me, he replied: ‘Well, nothing really.’
A commenter to this article, Jim, summed it up nicely:
If you’re immediately asking men “what have you got to offer me”, don’t be surprised if you’re alone.
- Jim, Abroad, 30/5/2012 11:58
Amen.
Perhaps a little testosterone replacement therapy may change (some of) these mens’ perspectives and capabilities?
Seriously.
More like men wise up after that rush of testosterone wears off. By middle age, we aren’t going to make the same dumb mistakes just to get in bed.
If you’re immediately asking men “what have you got to offer me”, don’t be surprised if you’re alone.
- Jim, Abroad, 30/5/2012 11:58
Ah, the ubiquity and perniciousness of female hypergamy.
Status über alles.
Yup… Stock up on the batteries, babe– you’ll need ‘em.
Some time back I saw a segment on one of those weekend “news” shows that discussed the lack of marriage opportunities for 30-something women. The “experts” agreed that the cause was selfishness among men. While this article is about a different age group, I think the same “selfishness” applies, and probably to a greater degree. You’ve spent a lifetime accumulating wealth, your retirement is set and now you’re expected to enter into a one-sided arrangement that could cost you at least half of what you own. In the worst case scenario, you pay the woman’s debts, you pay her kids’ debts and then she takes half of what’s left. It’s like being invited to play Texas Hold’em when one player is automatically dealt pocket aces every hand. Why on Earth, or Mars, would a sane individual play such a rigged game? I’m not saying that’s the most likely outcome but you have to be aware of the risks… and everybody knows somebody who’s “lost big at the table”.
The cause of the gulf is risk aversion. Marriage is just like any other partnership. Rational actors evaluate what each brings to the merger and agree a deal if such is appropriate. However, under today’s circumstances, there’s very little upside for the man but the downside is an abyss.
I’m 55 and my wife and I have been together for 29 years. We started with nothing and worked hard for almost 3 decades to build a good life for ourselves. I could retire now if I wanted to.
Should I outlive my wife, it’s very unlikely that I’ll ever consider getting married again. I simply have too much to lose and very little to gain except a lot of risk.
“Above all, [men between 50 and 80] agonize over whether they will ever again be able to find happiness in an intimate relationship.”
I think I can speak for the majority of the men in that (my) age group. The answer is “no,” unless the woman is young, hot, unable to speak, and has an inordinate aversion to spending money.
Sounds like a warm blow-up doll should fill the bill for you, bud.
I have my 5 children, and my two ex wives. I don’t see that women have anything more to offer me. Most can’t understand reality, can’t hold up a conversation about anything in which I have an interest.
If it wasn’t for one thing, there would be a bounty on them.
I’ll tell you why men are hesitant to get into another relationship. It’s because most of us already “fully committed” to a relationship, and were left without out children, our fortunes, and our dignity by some woman who decided, after 20 years of committed devotion by her husband, that we weren’t good enough anymore. We had our hearts ripped out without anesthetic, and it took some time to regain our footing in life.
And, the vast majority (at least 95% or more) of “available” women are the very same women who were the perpetrators of such a catastrophe on another man. Why would we believe she would treat us any differently, or better, than she treated the father of her bratty, undisciplined children.
I found the solution. Get poor. Then if a woman is interested in you, you’ll know it’s about more than social security (for them).
Ha-ha-ha! Somehow it’s always the guy’s fault
.
Why do Older Men Find it so Hard to Fall in Love Again? I could write a book!
Many women in my age group do little more than work and watch TV. They have no hobbies and no interests. Ladies, if you want to meet men take up bass fishing, homebrewing, hunting or shooting sports. Men find women who do these things to be intensely interesting.
Dump the Mrs Grundy clothes. Get some jeans, white t-shirts and a ball cap. Look like you’re capable of doing something more energetic than sitting in front of the dang TV!
Grow your hair out to at least shoulder length. Very few women look good in short hair.
If your dating site profile bashes men, if you’re “looking for your knight in shining armor”, or your profile pic looks like you were surprised while sitting on the toilet, change it. Guys don’t go for needy, offensive and unattractive.
We’ve all got scars. You can moan about how unfair life is, or you can get going. I got.
Charlie
Second that.
“Bass fishing”?
Is that, like, getting a rod and reel and going hunting underwater for lost bass guitars thrown in the water by disoriented partying rock bands…?
Couldn’t resist
No big-mouth bass ever woke me up at 2 a.m. and insisted on lecturing me about my “short-comings.”
I believe it was John D Rockefeller who said “buy what appreciates, rent what depreciates.”
“I’ll tell you why men are hesitant to get into another relationship. It’s because most of us already “fully committed” to a relationship, and were left without out children, our fortunes, and our dignity by some woman who decided, after 20 years of committed devotion by her husband, that we weren’t good enough anymore.”
For some of us, 10 years.
Here’s Rodgers & Hart’s great answer to that woman’s question:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OBvxS4k2Lc
Age 70. Divorced since age 60 when the world had been conquered and the future set. Kids’ college done and paid. House paid for. Cars paid for. Not a dime of debt. Retirement funds in place. Cash balance rapidly building… and then the recently retired 300 pound school teacher that was 125 pounds when married 35 years before, decided to walk because according to her we had nothing in common and I didn’t show much interest in sex that when it did happen was guaranteed to be followed with 24 hours of whining and complaining that she had just been used again. Haven’t given much thought to acquiring a blow-up-doll. It would be no more of a participant in the act than I was used to, but at least it would still be smiling afterwards, which would be an improvement and as good or better than anything I have found on the used spouse market where I discovered, unless they are widowed, there are glaring reasons they are single. If they are widowed it seems that no one can measure up to their dearly departed and sainted husband with whom they remain deeply angry for having left them. Once a month with a smiling blow up doll would be an improvement and it doesn’t come dragging a stack of heavy emotional baggage.
Fusion is only possible in superheated plasma.
Theories of cold fusion have so far proven false, or at least not capable of producing useful energy.
This is the usual poorly thought out garbage that passes for erudite among the social sciences.
Consider a few facts.
Ask anyone if there was a person in high school that they knew was just out of their league. Why so? If asking a man he will inevitably say beauty, if a woman, just as inevitably, she will say looks AND he was a “comer” i.e. football, head of the junior entrepreneurial club, etc. In other words men have to bring a great deal more to table to start. Further, in this vulgar little game, as one of the man’s attributes increases over the years the other’s decreases.
American women are known the world over as winners and complainers. One of my favorites is, “He didn’t ‘give’ me an orgasm.” Men might complain that “she” didn’t perform a certain act but they take responsibility for their own sexuality; when will women? I used to go out with a French girl when I lived in LA who observed out of the blue one night, “No wonder men in this country lie so much, American women put so many barriers in front of sex.” For that matter women might be taken more seriously as partners when they show the wit to look to see if “the seat is up” before sitting down.
I’ve always looked for companionship and then good sex would follow. Companionship is based on courage, the courage to say what needs to be said, when it needs to be said, in a non-wounding manner. It means loosing a conversational argument gracefully and not crowing when the winner. And these are difficult and have to be worked at and committed anew each week or so… and I never found anyone like that and I never was willing to “settle.”
Nice post.
Because youthful hormones drive a man to put up with poor treatment, dependency, and drama from women, but now that those hormones are over, he realizes the drawbacks of most women far exceed their benefits.
I’ve felt that way since I was 27, and I even still have youthful hormones.
I loved the “what can you offer” question. Because…I phenomenally heard it while dating a girl who had nothing, I had a ton and she asked why she should “give up her body.” Ho!
We were a few months into a relationship and had ~ two bilaterally beneficial get togethers. Sitting on her porch she asks the lovely question. Now I recall many good conversations with her… I thought having a healthy and kind (and strong and finacially stable) man’s viewpoint and eager pitch in for all work, plus good lovin’, well hell there ain’t a whole lot else. Needless to say there was a disconnect. So we disconnected. I didn’t think it was a payment arrangement. Her difficult background for a very sweet woman, made her perspective tough. She’d need a good year to decompress from men. She’s good people, but that question was a thunderbolt on a contented porch moments earlier.
If I hear it again, the same result will occur. It’s hard enough to find a decent woman who won’t use legal protection to f’ up your mind, body and sanity when the need suits her, but throw in a perspective of “what do I get” when it’s visible and sacrificial on my part as well… That will be a “Hell no” Ghost-Rider.
Big fix -> This young lady did not have nothing. Big mistake on my part. She was down on her luck and that’s all. And sorry, sweetie, despite you’ll never reads this.
Because I’m older, and wiser, the game has been mastered. what do i have to offer?, my companionship, if that isn’t enough. i would be looking for a Stella who got her groove back not a Kardashian. it’s a buyers market
>>they are all examples of the kind of standard issue, unattractive older men I come across all the time.<<
Speaking from experience, 'unattractive' is a gift from God. It filters out all the women who won't take the trouble to know the man's heart, soul, and mind. What she doesn't realize is that the unattractive man who says he has 'nothing to offer ' is the smart one who knows how to keep the insincere golldiggers at bay.
After my wife left me with two sub-teen daughters and a 13-year-old boy to finish raising on my own and ran off to Vegas, divorcing me through the mails as it were, I got another kicking about when I tried to collect the court-ordered child support from her. Men, if your ex wife owes you child support you can pretty much forget about the state helping you collect it. Sex bias, you know.
So I had to work to get back to middle income and still raise my children. Then I got lucky and got in on the tech bubble on the ground floor. Suddenly wealthy, the kids were able to go to the colleges of their choice with no debt.
So, naturally, my ex tries to sue for alimony, while still owing a felony amount of unpaid back support.
So now I lease. I tried having serious girlfriends but they were mercenaries in disguise, like the one who asked what the man could do for her. So I figured I may as well use up-front mercenaries where we both know where we stand. So I now have sugar babes which I change on a regular basis. They’re happy, I’m happy. No community property, no palimony as it is all specified in contract (prenup) ahead of time. No chance that anyone of them can rip my heart out and kick it all over the floor for fun as my ex wife did.
The day they legalize prostitution is the day that a -lot- of American women wake up to a very very new reality.
For my part: I got tired of getting metaphorically kicked in the nuts.
Nothing to get the testosterone moving again like a multi-talented (much) younger girlfriend. Especially asian or latina. Or both.