Arlen Specter: a Sty in the Public Eye
Screenshot/Philadelphia Inquirer
King George III asked an American painter what the victorious George Washington would do now that independence had been won.
The painter knew that, just like his patron, millions of people at home and abroad simply assumed — and even hoped — that the general would allow himself to be crowned the first king of America. ‘Twas ever thus, no?
However, this painter also knew of Washington’s actual plans, and so he told King George, “They say he will return to his farm” — in the classical spirit personified by Cincinnatus, the Roman emperor whose example of reluctant (and temporary) harkening to the call of duty was greatly admired by the Founders.
“Why, if he does that,” George III famously replied, “he will be the greatest man in the world.”
No one will ever exclaim such a thing about Arlen Specter.
Whereas Cincinnatus and Washington wanted to shrug off the heavy burden of public service and humbly return to something resembling private life as soon as they could, Specter is clinging to fame for as long as possible, like a sty in the public eye.
Other supposedly retired politicos have written memoirs (does anyone actually read these, by the way?) and undertake book tours to promote them. However, Arlen Specter is the first of these I’m aware of who is flogging his tome at comedy open mics.
You think I’m kidding.
In other words:
The closest Arlen Specter will ever get to emulating the father of your country will be if somebody opens a comedy club in Cincinnati and calls it “The Farm.”
As various scholars have demonstrated, the distinguished signers of the Declaration of Independence had very different ideas about “fame” than we do.
To quote Adam Carolla: “If the Founding Fathers came back today, they would never stop killing themselves.”
Apparently, I’m the last to know about Specter’s semi-secret desire to become a stand up comedian, which I first learned about last week via the comedy blog Splitsider (which declared the long-time Pennsylvania pol to be “amazing at stand up comedy”).
It turns out the senator has been at this for a while, placing second in 2007′s “Funniest Celebrity in Washington” Contest.
Here’s his runner-up routine — with a mild content warning (Spector works what I’d call “baby blue“):
Then there was the time he landed in trouble for telling some Polish jokes in 2008:
The “New York Post” reported that Specter began by asking if anyone in the room was Polish. At that, around 10 people raised their hands. He proceeded to tell a few jokes about Polish people until one guest interrupted him, saying, “Hey, careful. I’m Polish!” Specter responded, “That’s OK, I’ll tell it more slowly.” This was met with grumblings of tastlessness, and Specter eventually apologized saying it was a mistake.
He also got some (more welcome) attention for a gig in Philadelphia last December, which the Atlantic Wire called “not bad.”
And honestly? Specter’s not that bad, as in not “worse than Rupert Pupkin” bad. Certainly Nick DiPaolo and Louis CK have nothing to worry about. Hell, Wayland Flowers and Madam have nothing to worry about, and they’re dead.
But Specter’s not that good, either, except in that qualified “for a former U.S. senator” kind of way.
The trouble seems to be Arlen Specter’s apparent reluctance to joke about himself.
His bits revolve around the (usually sexual) foibles of former colleagues like Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton, whereas the best professional comics make fun of themselves as much as they do others.
(That’s the second half of my theory as to why Ann Coulter inspires a level of raw hatred unknown to her masculine counterpart P.J. O’Rourke, whose work can be even more shamelessly, personally cruel: in short, Coulter never deigns to self-depricate, whereas O’Rourke isn’t above describing himself as a one-time hippie loser or incompetent dad.)
(The first half is that she’s female. But that’s another column.)
None of this should surprise even a disbarred psychologist. Politicians are notoriously vain and self-confident, in direct disproportion to their actual attractiveness and accomplishments. They shove themselves into our lives via careers in “public service” (a.k.a. “show business for ugly people”), driven by ambition so naked it could set up a webcam and charge by the minute.
And these days — can you say “Robert Bird,” everybody? — they never, ever leave.
It’s not that Arlen Specter is wanting for sources of more personal material. For one thing, I assume he owns a mirror.
Then there’s the little matter of the Warren Commission.
Yes, Specter is one of the last living members of that fraught investigation into the assassination of President Kennedy. Oh please! Don’t “too soon” me: Arlen “Single Bullet” Specter was the fellow behind the controversial “magic bullet” theory of the murder, which was mercilessly (and, no surprise, inaccurately) mocked in Oliver Stone’s JFK.
Specter’s theory, once universally dismissed by liberal sophisticates as the absurd punchline of an unfunny cosmic joke, is now considered far more plausible thanks to advanced computer modelling, and the calm, commonsensical arguments of lifelong “buff” Vincent Bugliosi:
(I know: Bugliosi also thinks George W. Bush is a war criminal, leading me, in turn, to wonder if maybe Charles Manson was framed…)
And while a bullet can’t change direction in midair, Specter managed it by crossing the political aisle. Surely his switch from Republican to Democrat is another rich potential vein for jokes.
Furthermore, no stand up comic worth his free drinks would hesitate to joke about getting cancer, but Specter’s sense of humor doesn’t go anywhere near his own Hodgkin’s lymphoma (now presumably in remission).
Instead, Specter seems content to obsess about seeing famous people naked and other dubious carnal concerns, getting half-hearted laughs at the expense of others.
Such musings are entertaining in their way, at least in the capable hands of Glenn Beck and his crew, who reverted to their former “morning zoo” selves when reading excerpts from Specter’s memoir on the air:
We may long for the halcyon days of old, when retired politicians who wished to retain a modicum of the public’s respect faded away and allowed a new generation to enjoy the power and prestige, especially when we’re presented with the unedifying spectacle of Arlen Specter’s zombie-like “retirement.”
I’d tell the guy not to quit his day job, but alas, that’s exactly what seems to have encouraged him.
“Bird?”, perhaps you mean “Byrd”.
That, DS knows the difference, we can be fairly certain, . . . but, perhaps, you’re lacking the sense for veiled entendre, . . . who knows, . . .
. . . . not “DS” but, PJ, . . .
Perhaps snarlin’ Arlen can come up with a boffo routine about getting Ira Einhorn reduced bail so he could flee to France after murdering his girlfriend.
Oh, leave him alone. Isn’t he like 98? At that age they can do whatever they dam well please.
I do not believe age matters…if you have your senses.
..but Arlen..he’s just a poor old spiddle butt..
.he really needs to close the door to any public adoration that he thinks is his due..
The correct term is “stye” … although Specter’s a pig in a poke, like a poke in the eye …
Both spellings seem to be acceptable: http://www.emedicinehealth.com/sty/article_em.htm
Only because the dumbers-down (A.K.A. “deconstructionists”) have taken over all of the dictionaries, even the once-reliable OED.
Accepting correction is an honorable thing.
Arlen Specter, Democrat turned Republican turned Democrat, is proof of the observation that you can’t eject some people from public life thoroughly enough. Another example all too familiar to conservatives is Jimmy Carter.
This is waaaay too much time and ink to spend on that has-been.
I disagree, Mark v. Specter might be a has-been, but he is a good example of a member of our Ruling Classes.
Plus, 1780′s Guy and Glenn Beck and friends made me howl with laughter while they exposed the awful craziness of today.
About Specter and the “magic bullet.” As the Warren Commission began to wind down they finally realized that they would never be able to sell the “magic bullet” turkey because the the path of the bullet starts with it hitting JFK in the back at a steep downward angle, not the back of the neck. If you reach back over your right shoulder and tap with your index finger that would be the approximate location of the back wound. This location is beyond dispute. That’s where it is on the autopsy report, that’s where the bullet holes in JFK’s shirt and jacket line up, and that’s where the WC itself placed a chalk mark on the back of the jacket worn by the JFK stand-in during their official reenactment of the crime. Moreover, a probing of this wound revealed that the bullet that caused it did penetrate more than about one inch.
WC member Gerald Ford to the rescue. He proposed some wordsmithing that moved this wound up a little higher and closer to the back of the neck. In so doing he established a whole new principle in the field of forensics – If a murder victim has a gunshot wound the location of which is incompatible with your solution to the crime, simply relocate the wound to a more favorable location.
Bugliosi’s 50 lb box of scrap paper makes a good doorstop, and while Stone’s film was disjointed and overall poorly done, the coutroom scene of DA Jim Garrison describing the WC’s “magic bullet” hokem was, if you will pardon the expression, right on target. Don’t get me started on the shots from the front.
Arlen Specter’s Warren Commission Report is such a lie.
Cincinnatus was not a Roman emperor.
He lived more than 400 years before the ascension of the first emperor.
Good ol’ Arlen helped pass ObongoCare in the millionaire’s club.
Why is anyone even thinking about this guy? He was worthless when he was in the Senate and he hasn’t changed since he was discarded.
For a warm feeling all over, when thinking about Arlen Specter, go to youtube and check out his interview with conservative talk host Michael Berry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3z3OSaQQ40
It really will give you confidence that there are real patriots on the radio…
For the fact that, Ann Coulter does not stoop to self-deprication, I would say that, between any given comedian and similarly situated comedienne that, the humor, the mode of the humor and the sources of the humor are different, is as it should be.
And for one thing, as per the rules of engagement between the sexes and the female vis-a-vis the larger society, more often, the female is much more appropriately held as properly protecting of herself–this to say that, even if Ann Coulter is not explicitly in clear knowledge of that fact, as for any decent woman, cultivation of personal decency effectively provides just the same.
Also, with rare exception–one of the few being R. Dangerfield–reliance upon self-deprecation as a substrate for humor can so easily typify a twisted and dis-jointed self-centeredness, . . . but especially, in a woman; again, deriving from that seclusion which is related to things of “nesting” in the woman.
As David was before Goliath, or as Job, or Ether’s Mordecai in sackcloth, men are more fittingly to be seen in that and similar settings.
And, there was Deborah the Judge, who led in a battle, telling the man, the while: “Okay, I’ll do it; but if I do, remember, it was a man’s place, and a woman will get the glory.”.
I, for one, just have not seen self-deprecating humor in a woman to have ever turned out well–again, and especially for the revelation which it entails–Johnny Carson, J-Leno, yes, . . .
I’m gonna say that, without scraping the bottom of self, she provides quite enough humor; Ann Coulter has correctly played the Ann Coulter script, . . . most correctly, . . . I have thought that, I wished I had known that, she had told a lie sometime, or done something base, . . . but, . . . beyond knowledge of all mankind and the human condition in general, do we really need such knowledge of each other? Are we entitled to it?
– pretty much exhausts the subject.
The Deal with Jack Hunter: Goodbye to Conservatism
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TS4KCaoAGM
Joan Rivers was funny; e.g. “It’sbeen so long since I’ve had sex i’ve forgotten who ties up whom” If I recall,Belle Barth (very Blue) and Tottie Field were very funny also. Anne Couter is more a wit than a comedienne.
Arlen Spector and the late Robert Bird personify what is wrong with the American Senate. Old men past their useful years hang on to power to the bitter end. Ted Kennedy dying of cancer continued to hold tightly to the bar of power in the senate. We should have a mandatory retirement age of 75 for American politicians; too many of them now are hanging around the congress in their half witted senescence voting on our future. Even the Vatican requires members of the college of cardinals and all bishops to hand in their resignation when they reach the age of 75 unless for some extraordinary reason they are personally asked by the pope to continue on.. However the case of Arlen Spector is a disgrace; this man was a fraud his entire life. He was a member of the Philadelphia Democrat party who could not get them to nominate him for anything and since they usally beg someone to run as a Republican in that city in order to be able to say they had a fair election; he struck luck and got elected to district attorney and then weaseled his way into the Pennsylvania Republican leadership. He was always a democrat in republican clothing and walking talking fraud until it caught up with him. Let him go back to the farm a la Cincinatus but he does not know what a farm is.