The topic of mothering is fraught with danger.
I do not claim to know anything other than what I’ve experienced. Each child is different from the next and requires a unique approach. This makes a mother’s job much like guessing how many jellybeans sit in a jar.
There’s no guarantee of reward for your efforts. Further, any criticism stings like a knife in the heart — one of the most difficult parts of motherhood. Anyone with a disapproving mother-in-law or even a stranger on a mommy chat board can relate. It is not the intention, therefore, of this article to pick on mothers and their choices (especially methods that work for them) but to ask the beleaguered and exhausted, much like Dr. Phil would, “how’s it workin’ out for ya?”
Like shoes, methods for raising kids come in and out of fashion and each generation adopts its own style. Mine, Generation X, has embraced Attachment Parenting with engaged mothers (a record number stay at home) hyper-focused on positive discipline, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, nursing, and many other child-centered theories. I’ve practiced many of the Attachment Parenting principles and find most of them wonderful. However, certain aspects of this child-rearing philosophy are not always good for families and can result in unhappy moms, too much mommy-guilt and stress, not enough sleep, and husband-neglect. (All of which I am guilty.) The following are some of the roadblocks that keep me from completely embracing my generation’s idea of good parenting.
First, did you grow another appendage or is that a baby under your shirt?
5. The perils of the co-sleeping, infant-wearing, baby whisperer
Katelynne paces up and down each night in a routine that starts with 8 or 9 stories and doesn’t end until her 3-year-old says it does nearly two hours later. She sings and rocks, dances and pleads for her little one to just go to sleep already! She’s performed this ritual for three years and still no relief.
A quick browse of the parenting section in the library finds a majority of popular books agreeing with her bedtime routine. You’d be hard-pressed to find a recent book on sleeping habits that doesn’t have mom or dad doing this type of bed-time dance for as long as it takes for junior to feel ready to sleep.
But Katelynne and her husband feel miserable. When I saw her last, Kate handed me a parody of a children’s book she found that makes us laugh so hard we can’t breathe called Go The F*ck To Sleep. Sounds harsh, but at some point, that’s what we’re all thinking!
With my first daughter I rarely let her out of my arms, even for a moment. If I wasn’t nursing her, I carried her strapped to my belly in a sling. As she got older we shifted to a backpack so I could cook and do laundry hands-free. The obvious choice for us was co-sleeping since it was back in style and I was literally already attached to my child during the day.
And what did I learn? Deep sleep does not exist when your precious baby snores right next to you. Though, it’s still a precious sleep and easy for nursing (however the ease of it wears off rather quickly). Soon your lethargic newborn grows into a squirmy infant who prefers sleeping securely attached to a nipple or nestled between mom’s boobs. (And all the husbands sarcastically say, “Great.”)
After 9 months of co-sleeping (including a week straight by a baby who wanted snacks all night long every 15 minutes), I decided to transition to the crib. Thus began the great “sleep training” experiment from Hell. My sisters used the Baby Whisperer method and they thought it answered all questions. Of course, they also still stayed up all night. It didn’t sound good to me but I figured I’d try it.
This method consists of picking the baby up immediately when they cry and shushing them until they stop before putting them back down, called the pick-up-put-down method. Except my baby just never stopped crying. So what do you do then? If I rocked her to sleep she would only stay asleep as long as I held her. The minute she hit the mattress the screaming would begin again. After about a week of this and running on about 3 hours of sleep a night (and never consecutively), I began to understand why some mothers snap and end up in prison. I knew I had to find another way and so decided we would try a cry-it-out technique.
This is also hellish but at least you can put your head under a pillow to block it out. However, after 2 weeks of crying, I knew that wasn’t working either. We ended up finding an in-between that worked by going in every few minutes to talk to her and then leaving and making each interval a little longer. She finally figured it out but that’s one year of my life I’ll never get back.
Three years later I had another daughter; I resolved that this one would sleep. We came home from the hospital and I laid her in her crib and off to sleep she went. I learned a valuable lesson. It was all my fault. By co-sleeping with the older one and wearing her like a necklace she learned that sleeping wasn’t done without me. With the youngest, from the beginning she knew that her crib was a safe, restful place and mommy isn’t anywhere near it. To this day she still loves playing in it and she’s 2 1/2.
My attitude was the biggest change in the sleep process. Instead of being anxious about what would happen, I simply made up my mind that my new baby would sleep in a crib, that it is perfectly acceptable and good for her to be able to put herself to sleep and she did. When I hear others telling stories of sleepless nights, I wish someone told them right from the beginning: put that baby down and put her in her crib! Don’t nurse them to sleep and if they fall asleep nursing, change their diaper and then put them down so they can fall asleep naturally on their own. It really is magical stuff. A baby who never knew falling asleep on mom never misses out on anything.
Respecting your sleep zone helps your marriage too. Little marital love goes on with babies in the bed. Further, we are far more likely to lose our tempers and patience when we don’t get sleep. A peaceful, rested mom is one of the best gifts a child can get. If you’ve already gotten your baby addicted to you for sleep, I’m sorry. You’re pretty much buggered. Good luck trying to undo that and try again on the next one.
Next… are you wired?
4.The High Security Techno-Stressers
The future is now. There is a gadget for everything, and Gen X moms are first in line to buy the latest must-have. Mommy anxiety creates a target-rich environment for big ticket items no one really needs. As if having a baby isn’t stressful enough, check out this sell-technique for a product that will alert you to every movement your baby makes in her sleep. This is supposed to prevent SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome).
With its movement sensor pad, sound transmitter, sound lights, and movement detecting “ticking” sound, The Angelcare Movement Sensor with Sound Monitor can take away virtually all this anxiety.
No it won’t. It will increase your anxiety by at least 10. The same goes for video monitors. I know people who have these things and while they are wonderful mothers they’re driving themselves crazy.
We must ask ourselves, how did we survive when our mothers were putting us to sleep on our faces with no baby monitors and five blankets?* How did we survive riding un-belted in cars and being thrown around in the backs of woody-wagons on cross-country trips?* It is important to keep perspective and try to relax more. Anxiety will rub off on your young.
Let go of some of those things that just aren’t necessary and add to your stress. I stopped using sound monitors in the house entirely. I don’t want to hear my baby unless she’s truly in distress. It’s just too tempting to go in for every little peep or gurgle. Unless you live in a giant house most crying babies scream loud enough without the help of monitors.
There’s nothing wrong with these products and if it works for you then great, but if you find yourself increasingly nervous or anxiety-ridden try scaling back on the newfangled gizmos. You can still be a loving and attached parent without bugging your baby’s room.
*Not recommended…I’m just sayin’.
Next…If you’ve started any fights with a referee, you might need therapy.
3. The indulgent sideline screamer
There is a tendency with Attachment Parenting to put the desires and feelings of your child ahead of all else. With proper application, Attachment Parenting should not lead to child-indulgence but let’s be honest, no one has time to read after the baby arrives. So it’s possible that a lot of parents stopped reading after the infant stage. We are told that every noise our babies make deserves a response and that our schedules should center around their needs and wants, and with an infant much of that is necessary since they cannot communicate.
But these habits must change as our children get older or there will be the devil to deal with in a few years. You know the kid as well as I do. He pushes babies, he takes toys, he has tantrums in stores, and all the while his mom makes excuses. Soon, this mother will start to blame others for her child’s problem and then will end up screaming at the soccer coach on the sidelines for not playing her son who clearly, in her mind, deserves more field time.
The other day a friend commented on Facebook that there were parents at her son’s hockey game who were cheering on their kids’ aggressive behavior against the other team. They’re eight. Competition is great and winning and losing are important lessons but so are sportsmanship, winning well, and accepting loss gracefully. Attachment Parenting (done wrong or taken to the extreme) stands to decrease the ability of children to feel empathy for others because of the intense focus the people in their lives have had on them and their self-esteem. The rudeness of today’s tots has not gone unnoticed, as MSNBC reports:
Many experts say today’s kids are ruder than ever. And it may have something to do with popular parenting movements focusing on self-esteem and the generation that’s embracing them: Generation X, or those born between 1965 and 1977. .. their kids are, well, rude. It may be that today’s parents are so fixated on their children’s emotional well-being that they’re teaching them that the well-being of others is comparatively unimportant
In Waiting for Superman, a documentary on America’s failing schools, statistics detailing the dismal academic scores of our children flash across the screen. While trailing the world in test scores American kids are number one in the world in one area: self-confidence.
That’s rich. American kids are ignorant and mean, but they’re proud of it! It’s no wonder when popular parenting trends have directed mothers and fathers to build up their child’s self-worth at all costs. For some Gen X parents, self-esteem and personal happiness are valued more than good behavior.
To avoid going down this unfortunate road it is important that children understand they are not the center of the universe. The truth is, your precious baby needs serious guidance to overcome a natural desire to be a selfish jerk. Civilizing a child is a full-time job that requires your dedication to squelching anti-social behavior the minute it rears its ugly sneer.
My oldest daughter used to throw a fit when I wanted to give away her used toys and clothes to charities. At first I would collect the items when she was napping or at a friend’s house but I knew her attitude had to change. Every Christmas our church collects items for Operation Christmas Child where we send gifts to poor children who don’t get presents for Christmas. There are excellent videos on YouTube that show the children receiving their Christmas boxes and stories of the hardships they face. I sat down with my daughter one day and watched those with her. When we were done I told her that when we sort through her toys and clothes to give away, they go to people like those children who need them. She immediately went to her room and started finding things she could donate. Since then she has never complained about it. Not only that, but I heard her praying for those children before bed and thanking God for the things she has all on her own. It hasn’t stopped the whining in the toy aisle in Target, but it’s a good start!
Doing things for others is a sure-fire way to take the mind off selfish pursuits and it’s an excellent way to teach a child about empathy. Even young children can help choose gifts for Operation Christmas Child or collect canned goods for the food pantry. Small acts of kindness will go a long way to shaping better character. However, if you are one of the people shouting at referees and insulting your child’s educators, you need therapy.
Next… Prepare to get your panties in a twist because here comes the spanker spoon!
2. The Never-Spankers
One huge difference between Generation X moms and almost every other generation before them is their total aversion to spanking. Spanking has become synonymous in Gen X circles with abuse. New experts insist that spanking causes children to act out with violence. This has always baffled me because everyone in my family (and extended family) were spanked occasionally and none of us have ever been in a fight.
Further, most parents from the generation that raised us spanked on a pretty regular basis. If spanking causes violent behavior, why aren’t more Gen Xers lashing out? This is not to say that spanking can’t be done in an abusive way. It can and abuse leads to further abusive behavior. However, spankings can also be administered in a loving way; they can often solve behavior issues immediately that would take “positive discipline” advocates months to fix.
I hope publishing my theories helps to explain to my peers why I spank and also helps anyone who might be struggling under current methods to control their wild things. In no way is the purpose of this information to belittle positive discipline or claim spanking is the only way to discipline a child. Positive discipline relies on redirecting and “problem solving” instead of punishing. There are reward systems and lots of praising of good behavior. These are things that every parent should do as much as possible, however, simply not getting a sticker on a chart sometimes fails to motivate enough to stop unsavory behavior.
Very young children do not understand such machinations and yet still engage in dangerous behavior that requires addressing. An example is the ever-challenging diaper changing scenario. At around one year or a little older, a baby becomes extremely mobile and will definitely try to squirm away while right in the middle of a very dirty diaper change. At this moment, a parent has two choices: try to reason with the tyke and clean up the poop all over their hands, furniture, and carpet or give the baby a “lioness swat” and continue changing her with no more interference or bio-hazardous threats.
If you’ve ever watched the nature channel you have witnessed a lion or lioness swat a cub. A giant paw will knock the cub over in a way that sends him tumbling and then rising again to come back chastened. With a human baby, much less is required to send the right message. A little swat on the thigh, just enough to get the attention and startle the child, will stop the unwanted behavior instantly. With both of my girls, it only took one time each at the moment of resistance and they never fought a diaper change again. Those who refuse to spank for any reason have had poop on their carpets and children who do not respect them.
This is dangerous silliness. I’m sure I’ll get the hate mail for saying it but if you want to make your life harder and expose your family to E. coli then keep chasing your escape artist around the living room with a dirty bottom. However, nature’s way is easier, faster and now diaper time is fun because I get to talk to my little one and laugh and tickle and she stays where she should while she sings silly songs to me about her “buttskie” and “butt-butter.” She has forgotten about the swat and only remembers that diaper time is for being still.
Many Gen X parents misunderstand; families who spank don’t do it often — a quiet event with only a few tears. Done appropriately in a loving, calm way, you rarely have to repeat the process. The key is keeping your cool, never reacting in anger, and setting a time for administering the consequence later. If you’re clever, like my mother, you can also teach your child to simultaneously learn to tell time. “Be in my room for your spank in 10 minutes!” she would say.
I assure you the waiting was worse than the actual event. It also gives you the chance to make sure the crime equals the punishment and retract if necessary. We spank for very specific reasons: willful disobedience (which means defiantly refusing to obey a parental request after a warning) and throwing a tantrum in public. (Tantrums at home are simply moved into their room where they are allowed to have a fit if they desire since every person should be allowed to have a breakdown in the privacy of their own space. Lord knows I’ve had a few!)
But perhaps spanking’s most important aspect is the learning experience of unpleasant consequences. Life is a difficult journey, fraught with all sorts of pain that most parents hope their children will avoid. One way to help a child grow in wisdom is to teach him early that bad choices lead to painful consequences. There is a tendency of young parents to want to shield children from every wound and every hurt, focusing only on positives but this is a false picture of the world. It’s hard for a person who has never had experience with a “loving” spanking to imagine it’s not scary or bad — and for those who have been scarred by abuse, it may be impossible. But if interested, here is a great set of rules to help you improve the effectiveness of your spanking skills.
Next…The most offensive parenting book ever written.
1. Attachment Parenting, meet Biblical Training
I have to admit I’ve become hugely addicted to 19 Kids and Counting. Michelle Duggar is the sweetest mom on the planet. Who doesn’t wish they could keep that pleasant tone of voice with their children at all times? I’m afraid mine are going to hear the smoke alarm and think it’s just me screeching. Michelle has quite a few more mothering years under her belt so I’m hoping her enviable character traits like patience, mercy and grace come over time. I made the biggest strides as a mother after connecting with a church and finding women of faith to help along the way. The biggest problem with most popular parenting advice is that it is not rooted in Biblical principles.
The Bible has been a source of wisdom for thousands of years, first in the Torah and later with the books of the Apostles. Unlike any parenting book written two years ago based on random studies with dubious backgrounds, the Bible has produced amazing people for the entirety of its existence. Dr. David Livingstone spent most of his life in Africa saving lives with medicine and with the good news of the Gospels. George Muller saved over 10,000 orphans by giving them a home in his orphanage in England. William Wilberforce worked tirelessly to end the slave trade in England and saw its collapse before he died. Each of these people had someone in their lives who shared the transforming message of the Bible with them that lit a fire under them to act in amazing and world-changing ways. The Bible has influenced people who dedicated their lives to improve the lives of whole nations, curing diseases and feeding the hungry, not because their government ordered it but because their convictions and deep faith led them to do so at great personal cost.
I compare these tremendous people to the ideas we have today about what raising successful people means: keeping them from getting pregnant until they finish college and off drugs for about the same amount of time. It’s depressing. Most people are so busy just trying to survive without a calamity there is no time left for kids to reach their full potential. There are so many societal pressures, mean girls and dating horrors, who could thrive in that kind of environment?
Add to that the early over-sexualization of girls and the expectation that teen boys will be Lotharios by the age of 13 and you have a parent’s worst nightmare. Where is the joy? Where is the room for true achievement outside of test scores? I have noticed that in our church, many of our young people have passion for something other than a hot date. They have a burning desire to go into missions work. They get on waiting lists, they go to Africa, something I never would have had the courage to do at their age. It seems that each month we are saying goodbye to someone’s son or daughter who is off on the adventure of a lifetime to bring the word of God and much needed help to a dark place in the world.
I’ve asked myself, how do I get one of those? One of those bright-eyed teens with sweet dispositions and a heart for serving others? They spend their money on plane tickets to third world countries instead of designer shoes. They are simply precious, important people who will make a difference to someone in need. I want one of those and I believe the answer is to make the wisdom of the Bible a huge part of their lives and mine.
The Bible is the original manual for Attachment Parenting. It has a plan for raising children that includes being highly involved, loving and kind parents who find joy in their children. Instead of looking to new fads for parenting advice, try a time-tested method that won’t disappoint.
Deuteronomy 6:7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
2 Timothy 3:16 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness,
Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.
Psalm 127:3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.
Collossians 3:21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Proverbs 13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. (Sidenote: Many of the Proverbs were written by King Solomon, known by all during his life as the wisest man to have ever lived. It’s interesting to note that a few thousand years later, our culture now calls him a fool.)
Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Why not seek out the wisdom of women who have been there, done that? With a couple of friends, invite a a couple of older women (from church, a local senior center or senior resdidence) to share lunch. Then ask them to tell you stories about their child-raising experience. You will hear all sorts of tales of how women did it before they became the prisoners of self-help books. You will be amazed at the creativity of kids for getting themselves into messes and even more amazed at how women handled things when they still had to clean the house, tend the garden, and cook dinners from scratch. Read some books like Little Heathens, The Dangerous Book for Boys, To Kill a Mockingbird, October Sky, and even the Little House series. Learn what kids were capable of before helicopter moms became the norm. Sit together on your porch or patio husking corn, cracking nuts, or quilting a throw for a friend’s new baby and quatch the whole time. This is how Childrearing 101 was taught in the good old days.
This is also a good idea for teachers. If veterans would be allowed to share their experience and wisdom, rather than being forced by just-out-of-bill-ayers-terriroty “supervisors,” “administrators,” and “professional development facilitators” to do it THEIR way. you would see not only more polite kids, but better test scores. (But, of course, you DO need parents who will cooperate. not fight with, these teachers.)
Right on. This is why homeschooling is so successful. We get to pick the brains of the best teachers out there — even if only through buying their curriculum or books, we share the best ideas with each other, and have no administrators to deal with. We listen to mavericks like John Taylor Gatto and Martha Collins, or teachers who were free to do what was best for their kids because they taught in a rural town way back when.
Most parents love those kind of teachers and support them. Course some are idiots who think ‘opppositional defiance disorder’ is an issue with the child and not the parents!
Excellent advice Megan and yes, for the spanking advice you will be pilloried from one end, pun not intended, to the other. Child rearing is not an easy task and you are right, it is with the 2nd or 3rd kid that we begin to learn how. My wife and I are boomers and it was no different with us. I don’t really know what it was like for my parents generation except that since they were raised during the Depression I suspect putting food on the table was of prime import. My parents hardly ever talked about growing up and their child rearing technique was “do as I say and not as I do”.
I agree with Megan about the spanking, as my parents had seven children and we ALL got spanked. What we didn’t realize is that our parents were smart enough to know (in a newly released Dr. Spock world) that spanking is effective when children are too young to understand other forms of punishment. A spanking is primarily to get the child’s attention focused on what s/he is doing wrong and to stop it. I roll my eyes when I see parents trying to “reason” with a two-year-old, or to “distract” him or “offer alternative behavior.” For heaven’s sake! Take a stand, tell them “NO” and if they don’t stop give them a quick swat. Spankings – like all discipline – should be immediate and appropriate to the behavior. Little kids, like dogs, don’t understand if you discipline them four hours after the event. Parents who do the “wait until your father gets home” routine, equate Dad coming home with punishment. Not really fair to Dad, is it?
Anyway, my very wise parents only spanked us until we were old enough to understand other forms of punishment. Plus, we got to the point at a fairly young age where all my mother would have to do is raise her eyebrow, giving us “the look” and we knew if we didn’t stop what we were doing we would be very sorry.
As for public displays of temper, we were removed from the situation, and then spanked. My parents got so they could take us anywhere, with only my mother’s eyebrow or my dad’s glare keeping us in line. When my sister was raising her four kids, she did the same thing. I remember being in a restaurant with them and the two-year-old was misbehaving. My sister was giving him the eyebrow, and when he didn’t stop his four-year-old brother said, “Bobby. You better stop that or she’s going to take you to the car. You really don’t want to go to the car.” Bobby straightened up right away – the peer pressure was enough. Of course, I had to leave the table because I was laughing so hard…
I always open stories about parenting mistakes with great trepidation, but I was pleasantly surprised to find an admittedly attached mom critiquing aspects of AP rather than someone blasting AP altogether.
No doubt you will receive some hate mail!
I agreed with most of your post, but the section on sleep really annoyed me. Likely this is due in part to how sensitive the subject of sleep is (especially to me, who is only now starting to really get sleep at the 2.5 year mark). My problem is that while you acknowledge that each child is unique, you assume that what worked with your second would have worked for your first or for my child, if only you or I had just done it right from the beginning. My son went into a crib (ok, it WAS in my room) from day one. And guess what? He didn’t sleep. At all. And he was a frequent night-time nurser (totally normal with breast-fed infants), so I was up in a rocking chair every 2 hours (at least) to nurse. Co-sleeping saved my life. I wish we had done it from the beginning. If I am blessed with another child, I plan to use a co-sleeper attached to the side of the bed from day one. But I will also fervently pray that she is a sleeper like me (whereas my son is, like his dad, not much of a sleeper at all).
I’m just happy you didn’t bad-mouth baby-wearing or breast-feeding. Then we’d really have an issue!
Hi there! Yes, I agree with you though about each child needing different things which is why I say this is really for people for whom what they are doing ISN’T working. So if co-sleeping is working for you…GREAT! Who am I to stop you from being successful! I know, it’s hard enough. And I agree that maybe it wouldn’t have worked for my first, although I felt that my level of confidence really affected my second child where her habits were concerned (like the Dog Whisperer!). Thanks for commenting and I’m glad you’re doing well co-sleeping!
Don’t forget that the baby you’re co-sleeping with is not going to stay a baby forever.
I am very happy that I breast-fed both my now-grown-up children; I had a large futon matress on the floor in our room, on which I would nurse the baby when he or she woke up at night; we’d both fall asleep; if I got the chance, I would eventually retreat to our bed. My husband was as understanding as possible; and guess what? When we didn’t have babies any more, we had a better chance at intimacy. There’s more of that when you’re not the overwhelmed mother of a baby or toddler, anyway.
Trust your instincts and do what you feel is best, not what your in-laws or friends are suggesting.
I loved reading this article, Megan! Best of luck to all of you with babies and small children–oh, how fast it goes. What precious memories I have (and two wonderful young adults that we are very proud of).
I have to agree that the part on co-sleeping really annoyed me. You assume that if you had put your first child in the crib from day one that she’d have slept. That is an assumption that you’ll never really know the truth about. Every child is different and what works for one will not always work for another.
With my first I put her in her crib from day one. She was only breastfed for the first month, but she was never nursed to sleep. She was put in her crib and allowed to CIO after she turned 6 months. It took us 5 years for her to go to sleep on her own. I kid you not. We visited doctors and sleep specialists to no avail. All told us to get her on a schedule. Well, we tried. It simply didn’t work.
Now I have a 10 mo old son and I breastfeed. He is nursed to sleep and then placed in his bed. Many times he’ll wake up when he senses he is not close to me. So we end up sleeping together. I’ll tell you know, I get more sleep this way than I ever did with my daughter!
Due to current living arrangements I sleep on the couch, so the issue of DH and intimacy really isn’t something I deal with. He sleeps in another room. We still find time together in between the babys naps and my daughters school schedule. Remember, intimacy doesn’t always have to happen in the bedroom.
Btw, I am a spanking mom. But I’d never spank a baby and especially not during a diaper change. If the baby is trying to explore just give him/her something to play with. Simple as that! A small toy is all my son needs to distract him long enough to change the diaper.
It seems I must keep repeating myself. If you refer to the first paragraph on page 1, you will see that I have addressed this article to parents for whom some AP practices are NOT working. If it’s working for you…GREAT! Good for you! God bless. If you get more sleep with a baby in your bed then go for it. Some of us, however, do not and I merely wanted to share some other ideas and possibly help someone who is in dire need of sleep. That clearly isn’t you and aren’t you lucky! Congratulations on finding the right sleeping situation for you and your children. It’s not easy and some babies (like you said) won’t sleep no matter what you do. But some will so I hope my experience helps someone who might have a baby like mine. Thanks for reading and contributing!
On a side note, you don’t have to just read children’s books for bedtime stories. My dad was always big on Kipling and Shakespeare so that is what he read us for bedtime stories.
Some of those are quite memorable.
That’s a really, REALLY bad idea, Voyager.
That will produce children who read well, have excellent vocabularies, and an innate comprehension of the English language that no formal training in grammar (valuable as that IS) can possibly instill.
Those kind of people make lousy robots.
Then I would guess your parents read Shakespeare to you, and Bill Clinton’s mother didn’t. How do I know? You appear to know the definition of “is.”
Voyager, In the book “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn” Katie Nolan read to her children every night from two books–”The Bible” and “The Complete Works of Shakespeare”. Both Francie Nolan and her younger brother, Neily turned out well–(Of course, it was a novel)
“Soon, this mother will start to blame others for her child’s problem and then will end up screaming at the soccer coach on the sidelines for not playing her son who clearly, in her mind, deserves more field time.”
There’s your problem right there: soccer. Your kids should be playing football, baseball, and basketball. Soccer is a communist plot to warp the minds of America’s youth. Take little Johnny and turn him loose in an Oklahoma drill (look it up if you have to) or bull in the ring, and it’ll fix him up poste haste.
My sons played rugby. Makes your American football look pretty weak, lol.
Of course, you have to have really good medical insurance if you let them play rugby, and you have to get used the sight of bones and blood.
OTOH, you end up with a son, like my youngest, who continued to play against Army with his broken collarbone protruding from his skin.
Yeah, rugby’s a good sport too. I should have included it! Kinda hard to find it ’round these parts though…. There’s not exactly a long tradition of it here.
Outstanding!!!!
Well, I have to laugh. My mother could have told you all that and saved you a lot of time. Fashionable parenting methods are like … wearing your pants so low your butt shows.
As a bachelor father of boys in the 60s and 70s I applaud your view.
Note that that is a lion, not a lioness, in the pic. Never had to “spank” the boys but once. Made a great ceremony of it, didn’t really touch them, but from then on the threat alone sufficed.
But it really isnt’ the bad parenting today as much as it is the really, really bad teaching.
Interesting, because teachers think it’s the very, very bad parenting. The answer is, we should be working together and consistently. You cannot have a child cooperate in a group 0f 25 when he is taught that others drop everything when they demand it. (Which is why it is gratifying to see the pots here, yours included.)
All parents had teachers too.
Paraphrasing Plato, “Yes, but who will teach the teachers?”
Parents or teachers? Teachers, of course. Why?
Teachers and schools are an institution of civilization.
Parents are not intstitutional but natural, God created if you will.
And it’s society’s duty to modulated its failed institutions, not God.
Then, even parents will change. The other way around is a bald fallacy.
This is a great piece on a controversial topic. Question: Megan, are you aware of who created the term “attachment parenting”??? The answer: Dr. Bill Sears. We were some of the first of his parents to adopt his parenting style as he was formulating this answer for frustrated parents back in the 80s. At the time, Dr. Spock’s hands off approach was killing us as a nation. Dr. Bill had extensive experience with tough babies, including our first. He began to see a pattern developing where parents were unable or unwilling to connect. This had terrible consequences when those kids got into their teenage years. Our first child probably survived because of Dr. Bill’s advice. Now, we have books, videos, YouTubes, etc. etc telling worried parents what to do. Frankly, that is anathema to what Dr. Bill was advocating. His whole premise was to get to know your child!!! The things you discuss, when done within reason and balance, do just that. Our boys ended up very well adjusted, at the top of their respective classes and able to be very productive. Most of what you describe above is the result of pundits taking a set of values and completely skewing them, taking them well beyond what they were intended to do.
I suggest you do a little bit of homework and find out what it was originally intended to do and why it became acceptable for parents. Most of the current dogma loses track of what was intended. And yes, the Bible is the best handbook.
Yes Bob, I am aware it was Dr. Sears. I had already exceeded my word limit or I would have gone there. I agree with you that in theory, his advice shouldn’t cause the kind of indulgence that is happening but of course (like I mentioned) what parent of young children has time to read and really do the research? Very few…so his ideas, while helpful somewhat, have led to a lot of problems as well. Thanks for your input
big bob – I suggest you take your own very good advice and read Dr. Spock before you badmouth him(“her” actually, since the news came out not long ago that Mrs. Spock wrote much of what was in those books.) The edition of Dr. Spock that my mother gave me said spanking was fine if you did it right. He didn’t approve of “Wait until your Father gets home!” for example.
And Ms. Fox – I have the same advice for you. Nathaniel Branden’s book on Self-esteem never advocated coddling, spoiling, constant attention. What he advocated was respect for the child and the child’s ideas. Again, later advocates totally destroyed his message and left only the sound-bite: self- esteem.
Otherwise your article was wonderful. That is code for “I agreed with the whole thing!”
Jo,
I don’t know who you are or what you do, or why you claim to have any standing here. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. But you do what all these pundits are doing and messing things up…you are claiming something that you are clueless about!! Frankly it’s irrelevant WHO Dr. Spock or his ghost writer for that matter, was. And how do you know whether I read his book or not? I represented his position from a thematic general summation. His/Her approach created a hands-off relationship that we are still paying the price for. I’m don’t know how you come to the conclusion that I had not read him. You obviously subscribe to the notion that any criticism is “badmouthing”. Ouch. Too bad for you. Megan’s response was gracious and truthful, two things which I appreciate, as opposed to your response…whoever you are!!
Nice article. There’s nothing wrong with co-sleeping if you set limits at bedtime and move them to their own space eventually, spanking is unnecessary if you pay attention and…set limits. Religious training is optional if you teach your children empathy and (drumroll…)set limits.
As you said, all kids are different. My two are polar opposites, require different approaches and will undoubtedly behave differently given the same set of limits. The bottom line is that I have taught them that life is not fair, that they are allowed to ask for what they want, responsible for their actions, encouraged to advocate for themselves, expected to help others and until they’re old enough, they need to respect my authority as their boss. I have two amazing teenagers!
The only memory I have of the Christmas I was 4 is picking out one of my toys to give away–a sweet little soft-bodied doll, the only red-haired doll I had (heck, I only had three dolls to start with), a gift from my aunt when I was a baby and was sprouting red hair–and taking it to church to “share it with another little girl”; all the kids marched their donated toys down the aisle during a Sunday service. Except nobody told me that other little girl was going to keep my doll and never give it back. I cried for months, every time I looked for her and she was gone.
The exercise did not cultivate cheerful generosity as intended, although I’m sure it contributes to my adult conservatism–stop taking my things away from me for redistribution!
Oh! This is so sad! I do make sure mine know their things aren’t coming back and we let them choose the items. I can’t believe you still remember that…it must have been traumatizing.
Traumatizing?
Losing half your family to a car bombing is traumatizing. Being raped a 9 years old, on Christmas, by Muslim Militiamen is traumatizing.
Losing a doll?
Seriously?
Co-sleeping is not terrible but I have to say that husband neglect is a trade off here. But it is not just husband neglect, it is marriage neglect. There are many important conversations and initimate moments that occur in the bed. This is when parents can discuss parental issues, personal issues, and enjoy the relationship that originally formed the family unit.
The spanking issue is another great point. Parenting tool boxes should have negative and positive methods for modifiying behavior. The most important thing here is that your children should know that you love them, even when you don’t like what they are doing. Most kids have a desire for their parent’s approval. If you never disapprove of what they do, which is the extreme form of positive reinforcement that passively acknowledges bad behavior, you are neglecting your child’s needs. Children need to know that certain behaviors are unacceptable and have negative consequences. This helps to create a sense of right and wrong, or in other terms righteousness and justice. We all want to see good behavior rewarded but we also want to see bad behavior punished. At least that is my own opinion on why spanking is good for kids. I do realize there is a line between punishment and abuse but spanking is not in itself abusive. Thank you for pointing that out.
Personally I’m not a fan of co-sleeping, unless it’s the first few weeks when mommy is recovering and needs her rest (I didn’t know that even a relatively quick and easy birth like my wife had still results in extreme postpartum pain), and the baby needs to nurse every two hours.
If there’s one thing becoming parents taught us, is that we both value our sleep dearly, and having the baby in the room with us did two things…it made us both stressful (which your child does pick up on), and we barely slept. Only after we transitioned him into his crib did our sleep (and his) start to normalize again. I still can’t sleep while my son is crying (I’m an extremely light sleeper), but having him in his own room takes the edge off, and teaches him how to sleep without mom and dad in the room with him.
“Religious training is optional …..”
Uh, not if you actually believe in your religion. Wow, that statement says alot. So religion is now just a quaint child-rearing tool; a passing Dr. Spockesque sort of fad? Very sad statement. Shaking head in disbelief….
Well-balanced article, Megan! (Not that you need my praise, but sometimes it’s nice to hear, no?)
We are living out the long-term outcome of our decision to co-sleep. I’m looking forward to a good night’s sleep in the not-too-distant future!
And as “big bob” mentioned, “attachment parenting” was coined by Dr. Sears who is a committed Christian, although anti-spanking. We were just talking about spanking at my moms’ group yesterday and I think we were all pleasantly surprised to find that most of us consider/use it (primarily for toddlers who can’t really reason things out yet) in small doses…
Love your work!
Spanking is just one tool in the toolbox. Saying it should never be done is as absurd as saying that it’s the only useful form of discipline. I’d add one more reason for spanking – true issues of safety. A toddler doing something dangerous, like running out in the street or trying to stick something in an electrical outlet, warrants an immediate spanking.
William Golding was absolutely correct – most kids will be monsters if they’re permitted to be. If you rear a child to believe that he is the center of the world, he will grow up believing that he is the center of the world and act thusly.
I agree whole heartedly about safety, in fact safety and respect for others (and their property!) are really the only things you need to have rules about, in my view. It’s funny how so many young parents who hover incessantly over their children and manage every minute of their time well into the teen years have tons of rules and yet don’t see the dangers of “bargaining” or whatever it is they do on matters of direct physical safety. In the long term the same goes for respect – the world is no easy place and if kids don’t learn about things like respect from the people who love them they’re condemned to learning about it from people who don’t.
This reminds me of a true story – a friend of mine was in Mexico years ago and had occasion to visit a typical home in the area with three walls and half a ceiling, and a dirt floor with an open fire in the middle and half a dozen kids running around. My friend says she mumbled something to the woman there about how she must have her hands full keeping the kids from getting too close to the fire. She says the woman laughed and said they only did it once.
Dr. Sears’ approach was certainly not as horrifically bad as Dr. Spock’s approach, but that doesn’t mean it’s GOOD.
The old ways worked just fine for many centuries.
Excellent advice about sleeping, but I don’t agree at all about hitting your child. There are other ways of getting them to behave.
Spanking is a specific action (open handed swat, if you will) on the child’s bottom, applied in measured fashion. The effectiveness of its use is dependent upon the prudence of the issuer. As a warning, a disciplinary action, an attention getter, it’s utility isn’t for everyone. What it is NOT, is hitting.
Hitting is the aggressive transient use of force for any reason or no reason.
NEVER hit your child.
Good article. I’m so not a AP kinda mom but I’m not a BabyWise fan either. My kids are past the baby phase now and the biggest “problem” I see in their peers and with many of my mom friends is the word happy. That’s the goal of every parent these days. “I want little Cupcake to be happy.” Let me tell ya sister, kids who are happy turn into adults who expect to have everything handed to them. Hey, if it makes you happy . . . . shut up, Sheryl Crow.
Good article – find out what works, based on timeless principles.
We saw the vidoe and read the book of the same title, “Happiest Baby on the Block,” just before our third child. It saved our lives. We had her at the young age of 44-years old and didn’t have the same energy we did with the first two girls. Had we known how to effectively wrap, rock and coo a baby earlier with the first two – we might not have been zombies for the first six months of their lives.
Agre with the discipline thing, too, especially with the 3rd now her terrible two’s. Be firm and loving — it pays off!
You’re on your way! We let nursing babies (notice I said “WE”) stay overnight in our bed when I absolutely needed to sleep and the baby didn’t sleep and my husband couldn’t take a shift. I’m sure you’ve heard about the inverse relationship between number of children and number of theories. Just jump in! We also noticed after three or four of them, that we used the same word for cookies on the counter, and sticking a knife in an electrical outlet (“no”) so we started saying “OW!” or “hot” or “yuck” for bad stuff. They start out with the idea that there’s a reason to make good decisions. (I would bring my cup of coffee down to the coffee table when it was uncomfortable but not dangerously hot, and exclaim “hot!” when baby would go for it. They learn to leave it alone pretty quickly.) And yes, we spanked them when they did something dangerous “If you run in the parking lot, it will hurt. Either you’ll get hit by a car or I’ll spank you”. But every kid is different. We have one that I’m pretty sure would have been fine even if we had just fed her and didn’t beat her.
But after having eight of them, I think the best advice for child-raising is: have another one or two, and then you won’t have time to worry about it. Just do almost your best and then order pizza. They really do have to learn to manage life as it comes along. And remember, God gives you daughters to teach you patience, and boys to teach you a sense of humor (and how to spackle).
I disagree totally with the ‘show no anger whatsoever’ notion.
While retaining control of course, there is not the slightest reason for the child to *not* see that the parent has reached their limit.
Actually I think the child learning to be aware of the gathering storm clouds is a useful life skill.
The lack of discipline by parents is all too common. We see it in our elementary school: Kids with loads of potential and intelligence are sidelined because their parents don’t care enough to discipline them when they go astray. These kids become incorrigible and will not take instruction.
The next step, once you have a tweener who can listen and learn, is to teach them to handle dangerous stuff safely.
My kids are in to shooting sports and have been since they were 9 years old. You don’t want your teen to be learning to handle a dangerous things for the first time when they learn to drive a car. We’re teaching ours to shoot safely.
Also introduce them to the plans you make when you go hiking or camping in the back woods. A cell phone doesn’t always work out there; so figure out how you’re going to get help to you if you don’t show up at some appointed date and time. Figure out what the first aid and survival kit should have.
Show them how to plan for the worst and where the risks are. This will serve them well in many areas of their life later on.
I’m not a survivalist, but I do care about teaching my kids to be self sufficient. All this stuff about leadership training is nice, but it can only come about when kids learn a sense of direction. Too many confuse leadership with marching in front of a parade. Then they get very confused when the band pays no attention to them and continues marching on while they try to lead it down a blind alley.
There are many lessons that I am eager to teach as a father. I know that mothering is no picnic. Fathering a child can be downright nerve wracking. We teach our kids everything we think they can absorb. Yet we know they’re going to make mistakes, we know they’re going to get hurt, and we hope they’ve learned enough to survive safely on their own. Being a parent not easy, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Megan
I loved this. I swatted a couple of chubby thighs myself. You are right it does not take too long for them to realize diaper time is not wiggle time. I nursed them both and they were in our bed until they could be left in the bassinet. They were not moved into the nursery for about 5 months. We did not know until the oldest was 16 that he had autisim. That is one of the reasons he could not sleep through the night until he was around 6. I taught him to come into our room and sleep in the sleeping bag I put on floor by our bed. Once there he slept until it was time for us all to get up. My thoughts when raising both of my sons was “what’s the goal?” If it is sleep how do we get that done? If they sleep better with us, then they sleep with us. If they eat better standing up then let them eat standing up. If they would rather eat (don’t hate me) Spaghettios for breakfast than Cheerios, then let them eat those yucky Spaghettios. At least they are eating. I am so proud of them now, even the liberal 19 year old. But I’m praying he grows out of that.
The only accurate statement to make is “Each one is different and has different needs at different times.”
Our son, at the age of 2 slept less than we did; we would put him to bed with a book to look at and tell him to turn out the light when he was done. Half the nights we’d wake up in the middle of the night and find him asleep with the light still on. Eventually we found he was HGH deficient and not growing at all – hence the limited need for sleep. Now our daughter, we used to joke, we were pleased she started sleeping through the night at the age of 16.
Then one weekend we watched after some friends’ son who had colic – God bless all parents who survive that.
All are different.
Good article.
I usually take exception with the “spare the rod, spoil the child” crowd because I have a daughter who has never been spanked and yet behaves herself and routinely receives compliments from her teachers on her behavior. She’s not a perfect angel by any stretch, but she has never needed corporal punishment to set her straight.
I do realize, however, that other children are more…rambunctious…and need a firmer hand. Parents who refuse to discipline kids who routinely misbehave aren’t doing themselves, their chilredn, or society at large any favors.
Yes, all children are different. One of ours, we needed only to express disapproval and she immediately stopped what she was doing. Of course, we still had to teach her WHY her behavior was a bad idea so that she didn’t just become a “pleaser”. She’s 13 now so (ahem) that’s no longer a problem. Others of ours, we had to spank. Looking back, I’d suggest that spanking is best for youngish kids (up to 4 or 5 depending on their maturity), primarily for behavior you want them to associate with discomfort. After that, you need to have been getting them to decide to make good decisions. The biggest discipline NO-NO though, is “not following through”. Whatever it is, don’t make threats you won’t carry out. Some good lines:
1) “You only have to pick up the toys you want to keep.” (Show up half an hour later with a big black lawn-and-leaf bag, “whomp” it open, and start throwing away broken McDonald’s toys and legless action figures.
2)”Do you think I told you not to do that so you wouldn’t have fun, or so you wouldn’t get hurt?” Gently, while rocking and holding injured parts of course, but it’s a good way to get them to think about WHY you said no. It’s also a good intro to theology and why the 10 Commandments are a good roadmap for life.
3) “If playing isn’t fun, you might as well work.” Seriously, if they’re fighting, complaining, whatever. A four-year-old can empty out a dryer, put away silverware from the dishwasher, throw away dinner trash (but he should be doing that anyway of course), fold washcloths.
4) “Do you want me to solve your problem? Do you ever like my solution?” Usually involves the toy in question landing atop the refrigerator. See #3.
5) “Honesty saves us all a lot of time.” Catholic teaching is that 7 is the age of reason, but sometimes it seems like it’s 20. It seems like it just works best if you include the practical reasons for “good behavior”, especially since my kids mostly take after their strong-willed mother, unfortunately.
Although this is a subject I am not competant to comment upon I do know about the “Book House Books”. This is a series of 12 vols. that go from pre school to young adult. They can be obtained from e-bay for less than $50 for a used set. The stories run the gamet from nursery rhymes to Shakespeare, Dante, Frost, Wilde, and Wagner’s Ring Cycle. It is both much cheaper and much better than the newer childern’s books.
Every parent should read this. Attachment parenting is fraught with problems and only makes it harder to transition your child into normal sleeping and eating patterns. My wife and I learned early on some very important things about our now six-month-old son:
1. He isn’t a cuddler. When he wouldn’t sleep in his crib, we’d hold him until he fell asleep, but usually after a long jag of frustrated wiggling and crying. After three weeks of hallucinating due to lack of sleep, we finally figured this out and started putting him in his own crib, in his own room, every night and for every nap. He went from waking up three times a night to eat, to two, to one…and sleeping through the night at twelve weeks.
2. CIO (Cry It Out) WORKS! First, it teaches you the difference between the hunger cries, the whiny “Mommy, come get me!” cries that are usually ignored (and typically stop within minutes), and the shrill “Something’s wrong!” cries which warrant immediate attention. You have to train yourself to relax when your baby has his normal cries, and remember that it’s a common way for babies to release pent-up energy. You might be surprised to find out that bedtime/naptime cries get shorter and/or non-existent when you let them cry it out.
3. Gadgets are a crutch at best, anxiety inducing at worst. It took us several weeks of constant checking and sleepless nights before we were finally okay with turning off his motion-detector monitor (it now functions as a very expensive night-light). While the swing is useful when he’s having a bad nap day (as it pretty much guarantees he’ll sleep), it’s far too easy for your baby to rely on it for naps, and the motion actually results in less quality sleep. We rarely go to the swing anymore.
4. Read “On Becoming Babywise” by Gary Ezzo. In fact, buy the book, reread it, reread it again, and be a daily visitor to their forums. It teaches flexible scheduling and how to help your baby transition to longer, less frequent naps and larger, less frequent meals.
5. Transitioning is hard, but the sooner you start, the easier it will be. For our son it’s two steps forward, one step back…but we now have a very well-behaved little guy that sleeps extremely well, and we are well trained as to when to leave him alone and when to intervene.
@MightyMonarch
Hi there, MM. Like you, I’m coming at this issue from the perspective of a Dad.
My wife and I have been blessed with three daughters aged 7, 5 and 2 respectively. In preparing for the birth of our first child, several friends recommended that I read On Becoming Babywise. As I began reading, I became more and more uncomfortable, and I put the book down somewhere around the two-thirds point after reading Gary Ezzo’s opinion that (to paraphrase) “sometimes your infant will cry hard enough to vomit, but that’s OK because you can clean them up later and the bigger issue is to get them on a schedule.”) I couldn’t imagine a medical doctor saying that, and when I checked I discovered that, fact, Mr. Ezzo is not a medical doctor at all. When queried about the source of the medical information that Babywise is based upon, Mr. Ezzo refused to release it, stating:
“Can you have our list? No, these people are too important to be bothered with the trivia served up by the critics.” http://www.rickross.com/reference/gfi/gfi4.html
Whether or not the “Cry it Out” method is a good one, as I dug further I discovered that there a quite a few major problems with considering Mr. Ezzo to be a reliable or authoritative source for parenting advice. I strongly suggest that anyone reading “Babywise” also consult other sources, such as Dr. William Sears’ Baby Book. At the very least, Dr. Sears in an actual pediatrician.
Is AP a regional or class thing? I’ve asked around, and nobody I know has ever heard of it?
both. dr sears is based in california. the people who liked it tended to be techy. the main tech areas are california, seattle/pdx, research triangle, austin, and ?I think?? new york. grad students, coders, engineers, themselves, or their wives. military, too. officers more than enlisted, is my impression. grad students.
I could build a very substantial tech company out of the moms at the AP group I was in. They tended to do this, and then go back to work when the kids hit elementary. Neuropsych PhD, Microsoft mid-level manager, published writers, non-profit agency founders…it’s a pretty high- end crowd, for the most part.
It works, though. I can think of one just-out-of prison dad who used it with his pride and joy new son, b/c he wanted the best for his kid.
That’s why the high-end crowd uses it. Road-tested child development studies on neuro-development, soothing, proprioception, weight-gain, health, etc.
Attachment parenting has worked out very well for us. With co-sleeping I was able to get more sleep than if I’d had to get up and feed my son at night – if you’re into them, studies actually show that co-sleeping allows moms to have more REM sleep. I always slept better being able to check on my baby without having to open more than one eye, also. Plus, I saved a lot of money in not buying a crib (a sling was also much cheaper and easy to tote than a stroller). I found Dr. Jay Gordon’s ideas on “changing the sleep pattern in the family bed” to be extremely useful and effective when it came to time night wean the baby so I could get longer stretches of sleep. When my son outgrew co-sleeping, he did quite well getting put to sleep in his own bed. Many AP moms report this, and I think it has something to do with their overall security. We have a strict no negotiating with terrorists, er, toddlers rule around here. There were no three hour bedtime routines.
We don’t spank, either. The bible verses you quoted imply that unless you strike your child you are not following God’s will, and yet that is not the case when taken in context and studied. It does not mean there is no discipline around here because we are quite strict – discipline and instruction are what is taught in the bible. I have a polite, considerate little man who always receives the highest behavior marks in his class.
Yes, I read where you graciously acknowledged that sometimes AP works well for a family …. and then you went on to blame it for the ills of society and talked only of the negative points that some parents experience (most often because spineless and indulgent parents often mis-label themselves as AP).
I work in a field where I deal with crime and criminals frequently. I see their families, I spend time in their neighborhoods and homes. The ones who grow up to become the dregs of society come from homes where there is often corporal punishment and what we may consider strict parenting. There is also a notable lack of attachment between parents and children.
There’s no silver bullet when it comes to parenting, no one sure thing to do or not do. However, attachment parenting in addition to discipline and constant teaching can give our children a great home life from which to launch into the world.
Manda, I really don’t think you understood or read what I wrote. I very clearly said in the first paragraph, this article isn’t for those people who are using methods that are working for them but for those exhausted parents for whom it isn’t. I also, very clearly, blamed the indulgent parenting on AP gone wrong…because who has time to read books after the baby is born? You may have missed that part. I don’t think we really have an argument. I have every baby sling ever invented and I love them. I carried both my babies everywhere we went and have purchased slings as gifts for friends. Believe me, I get the advantages. The only difference between my first child and my second is that I wouldn’t put down the first one when she was tired and so she became attached to me for sleeping. With the second, I put her in bed before she fell asleep and it worked much better for us. I’m glad you love the family bed and it worked for you. That doesn’t mean it will work for everyone and it is to those families for whom it is not working that this article was written.
As to your aversion to the Bible verses I’ve used, I don’t think you can make the argument that the Bible believes spanking is a bad thing. And I never said you couldn’t follow the Bible without spanking…in fact, again, I very clearly said that this in no way argues that spanking is the only way to discipline a child. (Another sentence you apparently missed…which leads me to wonder how much of the article you actually read.)But to completely outlaw spanking (as many would like to do) is simply silly. If you don’t want to do it in your family, that’s your business, just like it’s mine if I do practice it.
Further, it’s quite an insult to assume that the criminals you worked with were spanked. More likely, they were abused…hit in anger. That is not a spank and if you had read the spanking guidelines you wouldn’t have confused the two as people tend to do. Again, we have a reading or comprehension issue. I would encourage you to re-read the entire article and see that we agree on more than you think.
It’s amazing how people cannot even read a great article with any comprehension whatsoever. Now you see firsthand how the original concept of attachment parenting could have been so easily corrupted in the last 20 years. I had to admit laughing at this person’s comments in view of what you wrote!!!
I didn’t read any books about raising kids when my children were younger, which seems to have made things a lot easier from what I gather from this article.I did grow up on the Little House series,which indeed, as said, can show how much children can do. I have found that it really helps to give children small chores, such arranging their folded clothes in the drawer, putting their dishes in the sink and making their beds. We put up low hooks so that the children were always responsible for hanging up their coats and towels from a very early age. They are so proud to contribute and will eventually ask for more and more responsibility. My kids now rake the yard when they think it needs it, which is more often than I ever would think of asking them to do it. I marvel at how independent they are.
The Old Ways? This is hilarious. These so called old ways only go back about 70 years now, and only 40 years when ‘attachment parenting’ was revived. How many babies would have survived the history of the world if they had slept in another room from the parents? The old ways are far more ‘attachment parenting’ than having a crib. Think of the jungle, India and Africa with their killer snakes, and how many people throughout history, including American history, who raised 7 kids in a one room house.
Most of this article was great, but the family bed has been around since Eve, and I was doing it before Sears became famous. I raised 8 kids that way and always slept great, and hubby never had to take a turn getting the baby. Each kid was different, but several started sleeping through the night by 3 months, and none of them were waking up more than once to nurse after 6 months (unless sick), which resulted in 5 minutes lost sleep a night tops. Like others said, I’m sorry it didn’t work for you, and you have to figure out what is best for your family (as Sears said over and over!) But it works great for lots of people. I also never let a sleeping baby stop me from having a conversation or snuggle I needed with the hubby! A screaming baby in the other room will do that every time! And sometimes they are just fussy from teething or something and just deal with it! There is no magic bullet for that.
I also had child no. 2 who slept ok at night, but couldn’t stay asleep during the day for more than 10 minutes for months, so I got nothing done. I’m pretty sure if I had worn him in a sling like I did all his later siblings, he would have been much happier from getting needed naps, and I would have gotten more done. This is a very short stage of infancy, folks — by 6 months my kids were zooming around the house in a walker or on their belly commando style. Again, show me a traditional culture that hasn’t invented a way to carry the baby all day. If you put your infant down for long, the bears/wolves/jaguars or cannibals next door were going to eat him. Old Ways!
That said, there are definitely things I would change and be tougher on, and I couldn’t stand the attachment parenting anti-spanking views. But the idea that most boys would give up the great diaper struggle with one tiny swat is also hilarious to me. I had some easy girls like that, but lots of kids are more naturally stubborn!
It was mothers sitting around sharing (called La Leche League) who revived breastfeeding and attachment parenting, after stupid doctors had talked moms out of listening to their grandmothers for 40+ years. As if a medical degree taught you anything about parenting.
Also, as modern children become sicker and sicker, they are harder to handle because they don’t feel as good as they would if they were truly in the peak of health. A return to the old ways of nutrition and health fixes that as well. (See Dr. Natasha Campbell-MacBride’s books for the most up-to-date info on that.) I wasn’t perfect about nutrition and natural health, but did my best — I read and researched all the time– and my kids have always been healthier than all their peers. Most have never been to the doctor except for broken bones or stitches. I was always 20 years ahead of popular medicine by researching the maverick doctors. The ones I listened to in the 80′s — their advice just keeps getting proven over and over and finally is mainstream — like no antibiotics for ear infections. (Only had one in 8 kids!)
oh, angela, how I adore you! and baby-dust me! I’ve got three- they want another brother and sister!
I was going to say, this is just a really peculiar article. Most families don’t do any of this. It takes a great deal of research, a social group, the internet- something- to make this known, comprehended, workable. It’s sort of like picking on a group of people who like one jazz musician at one club in a basement in Baltimore, rather than the majority of the people listening to, oh, who’s famous now? the beatles? the rolling stones?
It’s mostly research driven. Slingezee was founded by a returned to America anthropology Phd ( at least that’s what I remember). It’s a tiny, little company. I called the 1-800 number printed on the label, and ended up talking to the founder of the company, and a few other women.
Elizabeth Lee pattern company, for nursing clothes- is a tiny little independent pattern company. I’ve got the sling pattern. it’s modifiable. The dresses are really flattering, I’ve heard.
Katherine Detwiler is a professor at A&M in Texas. She’s not up at Princeton- she’s at the ag school in Texas.
Dr Sears wrote the Baby Book, which is such a sweet infant book. That, plus the Better Homes and Garden book, plus the Martha Stewart baby mags—is a pretty complete infant care set.
It’s a lot of work, it’s not wide-spread. I’d like to point out that it does work. There’s a lot of research still on-going. Children’s Research Lab tee-shirts- one per visit- were amazingly common in ap playgroups in town. They might still be.
If someone was sleeping under their workstation, if they were sleeping under their loom in a 1700s textile mill, we’d call them oppressed. If they were sleeping under their desk at a tech startup in the nineties, we’d say they were focussed. The question is more about goals and rewards and outputs. I liked slings b/c prior to becoming pregnant, all the babies I’d seen in them were quiet and alert, even happy and interacting. It was quite a demonstration of the better way to go. If you’re not putting out fires- calming screaming fits- you can do other things with your child- play, cuddle, feel succesful as a parent.
I could go on about nursing- I’ve had sessions where I wasn’t happy- nursed so dry that my tongue and eyes are dry- but those are also the sessions where there’s a visible growth line- a ridge!- on their skull- marching across their head- and the next day the kid is visibly larger. Not- I’ve been staring at the sun so I see spots- but- one inch bigger, two pounds heavier, next size up in clothes. It wasn’t fun for me- but- the results!!
There’s a lot to be said for big, healthy, placid, emotionally centered, nice-smelling, clear-skinned, bright infants.
My dear departed Daddy put it in a nutshell several years before he died. He said they are teaching the kid to be proud of themselves with nothing to be proud of. If every participant gets a trophy, what do the winners get?
In re co-sleeping. I could never understand why people even consider it. When I told my mom about it she was horrified: “But American children know *everything*!” (we are immigrants). My in-laws’ 9 and 6 year-old still run to their bed every night. What horror!
I read Weissbluth and Ferber on sleep training, and we used Weissbluth for under 6 months, and thereafter if problem arise (and they always do) we go to Ferber.
When I had my first I read Sears, and couldn’t believe that anyone would recommend this condescending sentimentalized nonsense. I happen to have a graduate degree in Anthro, and know that everything Sears says about “mothers world over” is bs. He also penned a book where he argued that Jesus was attachment parented. So whenever SF Bay Area mothers mention Sears to me, I say: Oh, do you know he’s… a Christian?”
When I had my first child, my mother told me she’d only ever give me two pieces of unsolicited advice: don’t let them into your bed and don’t finish the food on their plates.
Was she ever right! My SIL bought into the “co-sleeping” thing and she near tore her hair out trying to get them to stay in their own beds later, and you could tell all the new mommies who were going to pack on the pounds because they were the ones always eating what their kids left behind.
Best advice ever. Except for my great grandma’s, which was to have a shot of Jameson’s a little bit before I gave them their final feeding before I put them down.
Love your family advise! A well-rested parent is a good parent. And if the mom gets to keep her figure (more or less) — good for the dad.
A toddlers rules of posession
1)If i like it’s mine!
2)If it’s in my hand it’s mine!
3)If i can take it from you, it’s mine!
4)If i had it a little while ago, it’s mine!
5)If it’s mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours at any time!
6)If I’m doing, or building something, all the pieces are mine!
7)If it looks just like mine, it’s mine!
8)If I saw it first ,it’s mine!
9)If you are playing with something, and you put it down, it’s mine!
10)If it’s broken, it’s yours!
My grandson is free kin awesome! I never had this much fun with my kids! I was too busy trying to raise great kids. Grand children , wow! LMFAO
Mercifully my pundits in my child-rearing years were my super smart, common sense Mother and Dr. Spock. Yes, Dr. Spock has gotten some bad press, but he liberated a lot of mothers from the kind of fruitless nonsense that these mothers have bought into.
My babies slept in their own bassinets, cribs, and then single beds. All of these were in a room other than the master bedroom. The first baby’s bassinet was pushed into the living room at night for the few months until we moved into larger quarters so that he wouldn’t have to sleep in our bedroom.
My ears were sufficiently tuned to distress, as were my husband’s, so we were not saddled with baby monitors and other such gear.
Once I was satisfied that baby was warm, dry, fed, and had had enough activity and loving, he went to bed in a quiet room. No sound, no jittery mobiles above the bed. Just calm, and the door closed. If he changed his mind and began to cry, I watched and waited outside the door. 99% of the time he went back to sleep, sometimes after a period of chatting with himself in baby googly googly. This worked for two kids.
Holding a three year old until he dropped of exhaustion? Never.
There are few things more debilitating for a mother than the tyranny of a child and those who support that tyranny. A tired, edgy mother is good for no one.