Four Small Things Good Parents Do That Hurt Their Kids in Big Ways
We may now have scores of sophisticated books written by highly esteemed PhDs and a well-tread, lollipops over Castor oil, time-outs over spankings parenting path, but our progressive march through human history has ultimately produced adults that are… well, still childish.
Worse, we’ve managed to add an extra decade to adolescence.
How could this happen? It’s one of the most confounding aspects of raising children: the sheer unpredictability of the endeavor. Success is far from guaranteed. After all, everyone can name someone that was raised by “bad” parents and turned into “good” adults and vice versa.
Nonetheless, with parenting (as in all of life) it’s the seemingly insignificant that makes the biggest impact on a child’s life. You don’t have to be a “bad,” unloving parent to really mess up your kids — just clueless will deliver sufficient damage.
4. Try to use reason as a parenting tool.
Mom cracked the bathroom door open just enough for her to see me, but not enough for me to see she was there. She’s always been sneaky like that.
I guess she could see me in the mirror, or something. Whatever — she caught me.
Every night she says the same thing, “Go brush your teeth, it’s time for bed. I’ll be in to check on you in a minute.” But she never does. She just keeps talking to Dad, or something — except tonight. She saw my secret.
Ok, so I hate brushing my teeth. So what? No big deal. I just wait for her to say, “Go brush your teeth.” Then I climb up on the sink, get my toothbrush, turn on the water, and get it real wet. That’s it.
Then you have to sit there for a little while, or she’ll think you didn’t brush them. Did you know I can make my tongue touch the bottom of my chin and the top of my nose? I can almost touch my eyeball. Someday I’ll make it — just like Johnny down the street.
That’s when mom slammed the door open. She really scared me. I almost fell off the sink. Mom said that if I don’t brush my teeth, they would all fall out one day.
Fine. Then I’ll never, ever have to brush them again.
Sufficient reasoning ability is rarely found in the under ten crowd. And yet how often do we attempt to use logic and reasoning as our primary parenting tool? This ultimately fails because a child’s rationale has two major flawed components.
First, all information gathered has one primary purpose in the mind of a child: “what’s in it for me?” The information gathered is not used to weigh pros and cons, but rather to answer the question “how does this new information best serve my needs?”
Second, it is by nature severely impaired. There is no wealth of experience to draw upon. The younger a child is, the deeper these two perspectives skew their ability to properly reason. A parent that allows a child to flex his reasoning muscles by negotiating a request or rule may feel like he is using his superior intellect in order to get the child to comply in a kinder fashion. However, reasoning with a child while attempting to gain his compliance rapidly deteriorates, and then morphs into little more than manipulation.
In the end, all this misguided parent does is teach his child to be a master at manipulation — by modeling it.
We parent by example — intentionally or unintentionally.
The truth of some parents’ flawed methods is obvious to those who have tasted the sour fruits of others’ poor parenting:
We know it is the everyday interactions between parents and children that shape their growing perception of how the world works. Parents indelibly imprint in their children the unspoken rules of human interrelationships and the nature of truth.
When a parent manipulates the truth, the value of truth is diminished. This is a lesson that carries on into adulthood and is played out over and over in the workplace and even on into marriage. Seemingly small parenting acts repeated consistently can be the butterfly’s wing flap that brings about devastating hurricanes in adulthood.
Contrary to popular belief, it is not mean, wrong, or bullying to usurp a child’s right to individuality. You are the parent — you’re supposed to impose rules that he or she must live by. In doing so you are in fact teaching your offspring valuable life lessons. Children who learn to obey rules grow into adults that understand and obey laws. They are free to lead, and are not taken captive by their own deceptions.
If you are in fact a loving parent with your child’s best interest in mind, which I believe most parents are, then don’t be afraid to make the rules that govern your household. Set standards of what is acceptable behavior — and have the courage to enforce them.
As time goes on, children’s banks of experiences will indeed fill, and their minds will mature. At least they will have a greater chance of doing so if they have had good models to follow.
Remember, children just want to grow up and be just like you — and do anything they want, and not have any rules. But as our art and poetry teachers always said: you have to know what the rules are before you can decide if you want to break them.
3. Cater to your child’s appetite.
It was supper time. The boys scurried around the dining room table, setting each plate in its proper place. Everyone needed napkins, their glasses filled with ice for the sweet tea, and their hands washed. It was almost ready.
The smell of basil and garlic had filled the room in spite of the tall ceilings of Grandma’s old farmhouse. The two older boys, Chase and Cole, were anxious for dinner. They had dreamed about it since lunch — grandma’s spaghetti. Not the kind that comes out of a jar mind you — it was Grandma’s — the kind that simmers, and bubbles all afternoon.
Little Bowen sat on the chair and watched his big brothers bounce from the cabinets to the table. Chase, being the oldest of the three, took the role of the family spokesman and informed his grandmother that his little brother did not like spaghetti sauce on his noodles.
“He won’t eat that, Grandma. You’ll just have to make him a bowl of spaghetti noodles with cheese on it. That’s what mom does,” the ten year old said with the confidence of borrowed parental authority.
Bowen sat wide-eyed. His bangs covered both eyes as his little head rapidly shook “yes” the entire time his brother negotiated on his behalf.
“I don’t like that stuff,” he announced.
“How do you know? Have you ever tried it?” Grandma asked.
“No. It’s yucky. I don’t like it,” he said with a lisp.
Sensing the battle to come, Cole felt the need to intervene: “What do you want to eat, Bo?” he asked quickly.
How do you think this story will end? How would you solve the problem?
Why allow a five year old to dictate his own diet? Think about it for a moment. Just a few months ago you were digging rocks out of his mouth. He would sooner eat a piece of candy scrapped off the pavement or his own boogers than most vegetables. This is clearly not someone that should be in charge of his nutrition.
And yet, it’s not uncommon for parents to go out of their way to cook only what their children like. We all have our preferences. That’s not what I’m referring to. Rather, I’m talking about parents that have catered to what their child wants, neglecting what they need.
This is a hamster wheel that exhausts parents and gets children nowhere. Once you step on, jumping off seems like a frightening proposition — both of you are stuck.
Parents get on this cycle by way of good intentions. Then they won’t break it for fear of conflict. Good parents need to realize that stepping up to the dinner plate is a fight worth having — and winning. The damage done can be devastating, as Cassy Fiano wrote about here at PJMedia last week.
2. Defend your children’s bad behavior.
Several moms sat on the bleachers as their children played below. The kids raced through the obstacle course with the determination of Olympian athletes: monkey bars, jungle gyms, and towering spiraling slides.
Two little five-year-old girls, Cassy and Kate, both had long blonde hair. Kate’s was pulled back into pigtails tied up with blue ribbons that had long since lost their bows, and their ability to keep her hair out of her big green eyes.
Both girls saw the teeter-totter at the same time and raced to it. Cassy won the seat on the ground, while Kate stood on her tip-toes to reach the seat in the air.
They were both sure that they were now big enough to make it work, if Kate could just get on.
Eight-year-old Mark also saw the teeter-totter, but felt no need to win a race. As he walked up to the girls, he was dragging a stick behind him.
Mark walked up to the girls. It was clear to the onlooking mothers that he was just talking to them, at least at first. Then, as Kate was lying over her seat on her tummy, trying to hold the plank down far enough to get her leg over… Mark swung the stick and himself in a full circle that landed the thick branch upside Katie’s head.
The stick entangled itself in Kate’s hair, unraveling her ribbons.
Mark planted his feet and stood completely still with a blank, yet strangely determined, look on his face. Kate ran to her mother with tears streaming, drawing white lines down her dusty red cheeks.
Mark’s mother sprang to her feet and also headed for little Katie’s mom. As Kate tried to tell her mom what happened through her broken sobs and heaving breaths, Mark’s mother interjected, “I’m so sorry. He didn’t mean to hurt her. He has a problem with sticks.”
You don’t have to be a PhD in parenting to know this kid’s problem was not with the stick.
It really wasn’t even in that fact that he hit a little girl. Kids do that. The problem was that he had a mother who would rather apologize for the incident and make excuses than address and correct her son.
This type of parenting plays out in numerous scenarios with children of all ages. Toddlers have strong emotions that they are still learning how to bridle. They constantly ride the roller coaster of selfishness, sadness, and anger. Hunger, the need for sleep, too much sugar, too much activity (the list is endless actually) can all trigger bad behavior.
Key word to underscore here is “trigger.” This is not an escape hatch for parenting or training. It’s our job to understand what our children’s triggers are and help them to avoid or manage them, i.e., get a nap, no red Kool-Aid, or turn off the Disney Channel. Each child is different.
Toddlers that aren’t trained to regulate their impulses turn into children that have a difficult time in school — and life. Parents that make excuses for their toddler’s behavior turn into “that guy” in the stands yelling at the ref for throwing his kid out of the game, or “that mom” arguing with the teacher over her son’s failing grades. All of which are more likely to end up in the lawyer’s office explaining why their darling really is the victim not the criminal.
Bad behavior is not always a reflection of bad parenting. Excusing bad behavior rather than correcting it certainly is.
1. Try and be fair.
It was Jeff’s 15th birthday, the first-born grandson in a long tradition of Taylor daughters and granddaughters. Jeff, being the oldest in his family, naturally blazed the trail for his younger brother Cody, who was always seen in tow.
Being the oldest grandson and namesake, his grandpa built him his first motorcycle — dirt bike to be precise. She was candy-apple red, and Jeff first laid eyes on her as she stood in the middle of the living room with a matching helmet dangling off her handle. The enormous red bow was the clear sign to all that it was in fact Jeff’s.
The note read:
“Happy Birthday Jeffery! Although this is my birthday gift to you, I want you to know that you earned it as far as I’m concerned. I’m very proud of the young man you are becoming. Love, Grandpa”The birthday boy couldn’t believe his eyes. Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine something like this. As Jeff climbed on and swung his leg over, he almost immediately began making engine noises — a lot like ones he made when he was five, climbing on his grandpa’s motorcycle pretending it was his.
While Jeff’s mom watched as the boy grew three inches before her very eyes, his dad was watching Jeff’s little brother. Cody’s eyes were wide with awe as well.
“Can I ride? Please? Can I ride…” the nine-year-old asked in rapid fire succession without pausing long enough for an answer.
“I don’t think so, Cody,” replied Jeff. “I’m not sure I can handle it yet.”
Two days later, Dad called ahead and wanted everyone out in the driveway — he was coming down the road. As he pulled around the corner, the boys could see the tip of what looked like handle bars.
The minute the truck came to a stop, the boys ran over and climbed into the back. Mom, however, went to the driver’s window.
“What are you doing? Why did you buy that?” she asked in disbelief, almost as surprised as the boys.
“I bought it for Cody,” he said. “It’s not fair that Jeff should have such a cool toy, and Cody doesn’t.”
“IT’S NOT FAIR!” Behold the time-tested battle cry of the child, the immature, and the political left. (But I repeat myself…) It’s also the cosmic quest of choice for the unwise parent.
What exactly is fair about life? The reality of life is that it isn’t fair. The good guy doesn’t always win. The best man isn’t always chosen for the promotion. The nicest girls can end up with the biggest jerks. And ice cream is fattening. The list of injustices in the world is endless. So why would we want to make our children think that they deserve fairness?
Good and loving parents often mistake fairness for kindness. It’s not our job to make the world an even playing field for our children. It’s our job to see that our children can survive and thrive in the world as it is — and maybe if they can take care of themselves, try and change it for the better.
But that won’t happen if we go out of our way to make childhood fair. Parents that buy the two year old a toy because his big brother needed new shoes are setting their children up for tragedy when they have to face real disappointment and even failure as adults.
Sooner or later, real life is going to intrude on our carefully constructed façade. Life will never be fair. Life will be unpredictable and hard, but that’s the wonderful thing about it. That’s where most of the best of life comes from. Out of ashes, beauty can arise — but you have to know to look for it.
Good parents try to be fair; the best parents try to prepare their children for whatever life throws at them.
Just a few months ago you were digging rocks out of his mouth. He would sooner eat a piece of candy scrapped off the pavement or his own boogers than most vegetables
I will fight you, my wife, my parents to hell or high water to avoid these abominations of Gods green earth.
All eight of mine are wonderful, but of course any child of yours would be like you
As a child, many decades ago, I was made to eat all kinds of things that I didn’t like, couldn’t digest, or even keep down, under the pretext of “not wasting food”. I was small and thin for my age and was expected to eat more than my tiny tummy could hold, with the inevitable bad results. Some people just have sensitive stomachs, and that’s something that I seem to have inherited. I couldn’t handle spicy food at all until well into adulthood. Same way with fatty or greasy food, which I still have to be careful about.
Making kids eat things they really don’t like is not doing anybody any favors. Arguing at the table is a recipe for indigestion and hurt feelings on everybody’s part.
In the above scenario, making a small kid eat spaghetti with sauce might cause the kid to resent being around Grandma. It’s better just to give him something bland for now, and to tell him that spicy spaghetti sauce is something that older kids and grownups like. That will give him the incentive to try it again later on.
As far as reasoning with a kid is concerned – reason, but don’t lie and don’t manipulate. Make the rules and enforce them, but give a simple and truthful explanation. No, the kid’s teeth might not all fall out if the kid doesn’t brush them. But the kid will likely do a better job of tooth-brushing if told that his or her teeth and gums will likely end up causing pain at some point if not kept clean.
A kid needs to know WHY he or she is being told to do certain things. It shows that you aren’t just being arbitrary and bossing the kid around to satisfy your own whims. It also provides the kid with needed information about how the world functions – information that the kid can build on in the future, as part of the road to independent adulthood.
I wholeheartedly agree with items 1 and 2 above.
We have enshrined the “one bite rule.” You have to try a new food, and you must eat one bite. After eating one bite, you don’t have to eat it all. If you don’t like it, I say, “good, more for the rest of us.” Occasionally, a kid will say, “hey, that’s good!” and discover a new favorite.
Perhaps some of our children have never experienced the hunger that makes everything seem to taste good, as might happen on a camping trip, or growing up during the depression.
I’ve had success with adolescents and teenagers by positioning them at the garbage disposal, giving them a glass of water, and asking them to try one bite and spit it out if they don’t like it. When they like the food, they’ve expanded their food world. If they don’t like it, there will come another day when they probably will. I see no purpose in bullying a child into eating something they don’t like. Be patient.
Actually, the problem I see is that the older child is out of line. The younger child may well have scarfed down half the pot if the older child had not openned his mouth.
I doubt that. Marinara sauce is typically quite heavy and, depending on the particular cook’s fancy, can be quite spicy. This can be too much for many young children to handle.
So as a long time participant in the Mommy trenches I can tell you that some of what you say is true but as with anything else it is simply a question of degree. There is a middle ground somewhere that can and does produce good citizens and human beings.
There was one piece of advice someone gave me when I was pregnant with baby #1 (I have 6, thank you). that was incredibly helpful.
“Begin as you mean to go on”.
I have used this advice to raise my 6 children and with a few exceptions they have managed to grow up and make decent choices. Everyone makes mistakes, we’re human after all and none of them is perfect but they do know how to treat others with respect, to provide service if they can and to make choices that for the most part are not going to hurt them or others.
I did not as some parents I know wrap them in cotton wool, chose their high school courses, their colleges, and what few friends they had (they didn’t have many because they were never allowed to join clubs, go to dances or other school activities-of course they said didn’t WANT to, they were very well trained) Some of them finally learned to dive in their 20′s but only one married the rest remained at home.
I also did not allow my children to make all their own decisions. Independence is a great thing but once the horse has left the barn, they are not going back in. You can’t make them act like adults and then treat them like children, that is the recipe for disaster. There is a fine line here, which is why it’s so hard to get it right. Did I? Sometimes, sometimes I screwed up, but my children were pretty forgiving and so was I.
Last but by no means least………Love your children. If you love them enough to teach them the right stuff, they will turn out all right. If you don’t love them enough to make the hard choices, well good luck with that.
“I did not as some parents I know wrap them in cotton wool, chose their high school courses, their colleges, and what few friends they had (they didn’t have many because they were never allowed to join clubs, go to dances or other school activities-of course they said didn’t WANT to, they were very well trained) Some of them finally learned to dive in their 20′s but only one married the rest remained at home.”
Am I reading this right? You raised six children and five of them remain at home yet you say they are all adults? What self-respecting adult still lives at home with mommy (unless they have some sort of familial duty to caring for an elderly or infirm parent)? Isn’t the whole idea of adulthood that the adult lives out of the maternal nest?
As a CPA in a practice that catered to affluent business owners I saw a lot of unsuccessful adult children of clients. The one thing they all seemed to have in common was that there had seldom if ever been any negative consequences when they had made bad decisions. The toys broken through carelessness had always been replaced. The failure at school papered over with a larger check to another academic institution. The well behaved but aimless would be generously subsidized through several career changes. The adult children who had their heads on straight were the ones who had been allowed to fail and had learned from it.
Children should be approached like terrorists, no negotiations…..ever.
If a child won’t eat what you serve, don’t feed them. Strangely enough a child has never voluntarily starved theirself to death by refusing to eat lasagna.
No, but they’ll eat the library paste or the laundry starch or the dog food if they think that’s better than your atrocious cooking.
Been there, done that, got the tee shirt, got the hat, wore ‘em both out.
Lol, Tolbert!
I had one picky eater and one good eater. I confess to leaving the spaghetti sauce off for the picky eater.
She was actually the only kid in school who didn’t like pizza!
Well, she started liking pizza around junior high. Guess she just couldn’t fight it! I don’t know about spaghetti sauce; she’s 25 now. I’ll have to ask her if she eats that now.
We only have one rule in the house when it comes to meals. Whatever mommy cooks, we eat it. No special food for anyone. So far, it has worked. Actually, we can’t keep our three kids from the kitchen since mom is a wonderful cook.
Hysterical! Same w/me — 1 good, 1 picky. It got so bad the picky wouldn’t eat ANY tomato sauce product over pasta, because it had “green stuff” in it — that included seasonings like, oh, you know, parsley flakes, oregano, basil …
But oddly enough, pizza was always a huge fav w/them both. I quite arguing with picky, but kept quietly observing it was the SAME DANG SAUCE. Now he does eat it, even with (gasp!) fresh green stuff, fresh onions, but still no mushrooms
But back then? He still had to eat the pasta; he preferred a little butter w/the parmesan. If they didn’t eat dinner, oh well, it’s a long time ’til the next meal. AND NO SNACKS.
If a kid doesn’t know how to express why /she doesn’t like something it’s ridiculous to make them. Some kids are allergic to things and don’t know how to explain it.
Give a kid several choices – meat on one plate, vegetables on another etc., and observe their reactions. If they’re just being a brat, then deal with it accordingly. But also be aware that kids with allergies tend to be whiny (according to an allergist) mainly because they don’t feel good a lot of the time.
Nut allergies, for instance, seem to be increasing a lot – if a kid who doesn’t want to eat nuts is made to by an adult and then needs a hospital, that’s a high price to pay for being authoritative.
Hmmmm, authoritative. I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
I didn’t command my son that he had to eat what I served. He had the choice, either eat or go hungry. He chose wisely.
So now the weird use of “their” as a singular (because people, for some odd reason, don’t like the simple phrase “his or her”) has spawned the word “theirself”?
I’m done. I give up. I’m killing myself tonight, and you did it.
Non-standard doesn’t mean incorrect.
The one that bugs me is the use by Americans of the British “whilst” for “while”.
“..theirself.”
Yep, throw that one in with “curiouser.” Not necessarily incorrect but awfully damned awkward. Count me in as being among those who would always avoid the use of either of these terms.
That drives me nuts too. Even worse is using their/them when the gender of the referee(?) is known.
“There’s someone who knows their stuff” said with the “someone” sitting right there.
I’m not killing myself, but have given up the fight. Quietly maintaining my own standards, as the long night descends.
Just tonight my 6yr old son said to me,”Mommy, I don’t think I will like this green bean.” I said without thinking “you’re right, and you won’t like the spanking you’ll get if you don’t eat it.” He ate it (just 1 green bean 1 inch in length).
My childhood was blighted by my being forced to eat vile, revolting food. (This might partially explain why I have spoken to my mother about thrice in the last thirty years.) When I was a small boy I had to eat all sorts of food which disgusted me—parsnips, carrots, broad beans et alia multa tasted absolutely nauseating to me then (as they do now)—but I was forced to eat everything put on my plates. How would parents feel if I forced them to eat fresh canine feces? I suspect they would not care for it very much. Well, eating many vegetables similarly revolted me. To compound the abuse, I was accused of being “a picky eater” and “fussy” and punished for obstinate naughtiness. My sadistic brothers, who liked the taste of everything served them were praised because they could swiftly finish everything on their plates.
Since adulthood I have studiously avoided eating anything which tastes disgusting to me yet, astonishingly, I am still alive.
I have a rule for my sons: they’re not allowed to refuse something unless they’ve tried it. Thereafter, if either boy try some new food and assert that he doesn’t like it, I avoid serving it to him again. I cook things for them which I never touch, and I cook some things only for myself which they don’t like. For instance, they actually like carrots whereas I never eat the repugnant, satanic root; on the other hand, they don’t care for capsicums so I don’t give them any.
>> 4. Try and use reason as a parenting tool.
This is a sloppy generalization. It’s certainly true that using reason with kids can be futile, but the truth is a good parent knows when to use reason and when not to. Reasoning with a 5 year old over something he ought to do but can’t see it is pointless and harmful, but in fact at ten years old some children are excellent reasoners, and then some aren’t. For every child that is a poor reasoner at ten and just needs to learn discipline, there is a child that is an excellent reasoner who has a parent that doesn’t have a clue about how they themselves make choices and can’t reason with him/her to teach her how to reason.
Frankly, this issue isn’t just about children. We see this in diplomacy, marriages, and all human relationships. Sometimes words matter, and sometimes they don’t. Certain lines are crossed that are pointless to discuss. And parents are typically really good at understanding this and avoiding wishful thinking? No. The point of being a wise human being is to know when it matters and when it doesn’t. The author gives another wild over-generalization: “Sufficient reasoning ability is rarely found in the under ten crowd.” Well, shazam! Sufficient reason rarely exists in the over 40 crowd!
Sloppy and even dangerous over-generalization to say using reason as a parenting tool is a bad idea. But hey, parent’s used to study our Western forbears thoughts and had stronger ideas about reason *and it’s limits*. Seems to me the author is a part of the problem. If she’d just said “know when to reason with children and when not to” that would have been good. But she’s given tacit endorsement to a whole set of bad parenting ideas at the other extreme.
This.
If you do not teach them to reason at the simplest level, they will never learn to reason. You cannot wait “until they are old enough”, because that day never comes. Habits form early.
I’ve always reasoned with my kids. They reason better than their mother, and they are 14 & 12. They have drama with Mom, never with me. They know this and appreciate this.
The key to this approach, of course, is for the parent to be reasonable himself.
“The sins of the Father will be visited unto the 4th generation.” That’s how long it takes to fully breed it back out of the line. One effed up individual has a truly lasting effect. Like the Mom of the sadistic kid with the stick.
Oh the food battles… I’ve watched friends do the craziest stuff with their kids on this topic. LoL. The rule in my house – I make ONE meal. That’s it. No special orders, no requests. You get some of everything on your place. You are expected to at least TASTE it. I make an effort to include one item in each meal that I know the kids both like. Eat or don’t. But that’s all you are getting and we aren’t discussing it.
The results? Both my kids eat nearly any vegetable you can think of (including spinach) and dinnertime is calm and happy in my house. By refusing to make an issue out of food, and showing them that my husband and I enjoy different kinds of food, both of my kids are totally open to trying foods, even when they look funny (guacamole!) and know that they can tell us what they think of it (this is too spicy, I don’t like the way that tastes) and there will not be a battle afterwards.
This, to my mind, is the most reasonable approach. Provide foods they like, don’t reward refusals to eat what’s there, don’t force them to eat anything. Nice way to avoid battles over food.
amy, that is the way we always did it with our kids too. One meal, try at least one bite of everything and if you don’t like it, just eat the things you do like. I always had at least one food choice in the meal everyone would like – they could fill up on that. My kids now will try just about anything and never were a problem at mealtimes. They knew we would not be fixing a separate meal for any of them … don’t like anything … next meal is breakfast!
I was forced as a child to eat vegetables I didn’t like and as a result, have never liked veggies at all. I have learned to like some as I have gotten older, but a lot of my aversion to them is from the childhood experience. Didn’t want to repeat that with my kids.
BTW, my son, who is 20, has never liked “red sauce” on his pasta – so we just make pasta and every family member is free to put whatever they want on it, or nothing on it – I make one kind of sauce and if they want a different kind of topping, they make it. Their choice. Works for us.
My mother would not force me to eat, nor would she make something for me. From the age that I started earning money, I purchased what i enjoyed. Always salty or sweet food, it was not until i was 40 did I understand why. My sense of smell was mostly gone, which altered the flavor of all other foods. On the plus side, at 42 I still fit in the same jeans I wore at 18. The lack of food did not hurt my development 6’2 and 175. But the woman in my life including my wife hate me.
Just make sure your child gets enough protein and they will be fine. And dont force kids to eat things they hate, our high quality medical care has lead to some weak stomachs and colons
Nothing wrong with trying to be fair within reason.
Yeah yeah world ain’t fair but striving for a level of fairness in some things is required to keep BS to a minimum.
There is no objective standard in “fair.” The better way is to teach principle. Identify the principle involved and then live according to that. Trying to do what’s fair only ends up feeding manipulative behavior.
Childen enter this world as barbarians. They have no concept of anything except their own gratification. It is the responsibility of their parents to civilize them, a responsibility in which many parents fail.
I place a LOT of blame on Dr. Benjamin Spock and his manifesto. A lot of parents in the ’60s (my mom, included, and it took a lot of work on myself,later in life, to undo the damage) bought his book, ruined their kids, and now those kids, and their kids, who have kids of their own, have NO clue how to raise them. Instead you have spoiled brats raising spoiled brats, and the long chain of conventional parenting skills developed over thousands of years is broken, possibly irreparably.
So, as in my case, these brats have to grow up on their own, if they do at all. =’[.]‘=
I’m so happy! I thought I was the only Spock bore left in existence. My Mom, who raused seven, thought mothers should take his advice, and do the exact opposite! Seven high powered individuals later, I’ll put her record against anyone’s, and she would have agreed with everything in this article.
Nothing will change in this sick society until stupid, paranoid mothers stop taking their ten year olds to the bus stop, like they’re five. You can’t protect them from everything, forever. Better they die young than end up living in a park by Wall Street. You choose.
I am a basketball coach, and I try to treat my players fairly, not equally.
They don’t have equal skills, equal abilities, or equal athletic ability.
I am not their friend, I am their coach. Seems to work out, and the only problem are parents that think at the high school competitive level, all players are supposed to play the same amount of time. Wrong, wrong and wrong again.
My job as coach is also to teach these young student athletes that there is a lot to be learned by learning roles that one play, that all aren’t equal, but if all work together, they can accomplish a great deal.
Synergy, The sum of all the players, pulling for each other will be greater than the sum of the individual players.
You are not their friend, you are their coach. Excellent!
When I taught high school chemistry, I explained, “Your parents and teachers are not your friends. Your friends are the same age as you, your peers. Your friends have no clue what you need for your future, but your parents and teachers do. It doesn’t mean we aren’t friendly, and we would prefer to be friendly, but will be strict if that is what you require. We are not your friends because we know what you need and will teach you how to acquire what you need.”
The thing I hate most is… PARENTING ADVICE!
Everyone’s got their say. Everyone’s got to point out the dire and tragic consequences of not following their list. Let me say it flat out: I am not a perfect parent! So there!
I try all kinds of tactics, and change them up at will. Keep them off-balance!
There are only 3 bits of parenting advice I’ve ever taken to heart, and they’ve all helped greatly at various times.
1) You’re the expert on your kid (Brazelton).
2) If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy (Dobson).
3) It goes by fast (absolutely everyone who has kids).
Pam, all I can say is yes, yes and heck yes.
It went by way too fast.
But, the good news is that I will be a grandpa for the first time in March 2012.
Remember all those trials and tribulations of parenthood? Those rules do not apply to grandfathers, especially the ones that make lima bean ingestion madatory. And, I have the advantage of being predisposed to love my daughter’s new baby to pieces, because all of three my adult kids are pretty much up there in the best people in the world club.
“Out of ashes, beauty can arise”. Are you some sort of Marxist?
I am not sure if she was referenceing Marxism, or a phoenix rising from the ashes, but I thought of the verses from Isaiah… 61:1-3. I don’t know if she meant to paraphrase verse 3 or not.
As far as the rest of the article goes I am still a pretty “new” parent, with three kids 7 and under. I have made every one of these mistakes…and have had to “adjust fire” and try again. I agree with most of her article…however with regard to the ” dinner plate is a fight worth winning” I disagree. I agree that children should try what is in front of them, they shouldn’t have special meals prepared all the time, though certainly serving things they like as part of a meal is reasonable. They should have the option of leaving the table without eating…if they are just being picky for picky’s sake..with hunger being the natural consequence. That said as a parent who has two kids with known food allergies (peanuts, eggs, tree nuts, green beeans (no joke!) etc…Benadryl and Epipen required for now) I think it is important to rule the food intolerances/ allergy angle out before you go and die on dinner plate hill. Both of those kids are “pickier eaters” and ALWAYS have been. My daughter is the opposite — she eats like a champ and doesn’t have the food allergies, though does have environmental. I like her basic premise of not giving into to their fleshly appetites, because certainly we need to teach, model, help them learn self control in all areas of their life. I just think that with the food example, in particular, there are some caveats that need to be addressed.
The problem with item #1 is that as a parent, you are the representative of morality – which is what you argue in #4. Life is unfair – but that is not a good thing. Fairness teaches kids that letting people play by the same rules, be measured by the same yardstick, etc is the ideal in the world, even if not often the reality. It’s one of the more important lessons to teach your kids – everyone should have the same opportunity to succeed, because they are people like you.
The problem is that too many people think that “fair” means “same” or “equal”.
There’s a huge difference.
There was NOTHING “fair” about Daddy buying a motorcycle for the younger son.
I agree with most of the article but the last one strikes me as a bit odd. Yes, the world isn’t a fair place and the good guys don’t always win etc. but that is a rather silly argument in itself. After all, we are in rather fundamental agreement that it’s an unfortunate thing that life isn’t fair and that the good guys don’t always win, right? Life on earth may include all sorts of unfortunate realities, like theft, murder and rape, yet we do try to keep that away from ourselves and our children. We don’t just commit any sort of cruelty against our family and friends because, tough luck, that’s just the way of the world.
The real problem isn’t fairness, which is a virtue and like all virtues should be handed down to your kids, the real problem is misunderstanding fairness in the Leftist fashion. Leftists more or less believe, everyone deserves the same regardless of who they are and most relevantly of what they do. Conservatives however believe fairness is rewarding merit and punishing misbehavior. In parenting terms, this means that if “Cody” gets an A in a big test and you give him a gift, a conservative may give his brother “Jack” a gift as well if he too gets an A in a test, but he doesn’t get one if it’s a C and if it’s a fail he gets punished, meanwhile a liberal would give a gift to Jack regardless of grade. The conservative course of action is based on teaching lessons and creating incentives, the liberal course of action is based on how people feel.
The liberal obsession with how people feel about themselves and their lives is indeed a consequence of both late 19th century reformist thinking and more recently 1960s education reformers. In this line of thinking frustration is the cause of aggression, ergo, the solution to many of the world’s problems is to remove frustration as the cause of aggression. As a result liberalism’s wars the last 40 years have been almost exclusively about battling frustration i.e. people not getting what they “feel” they deserve. We all know the obvious glaring problem with this and why this will actually lead to more injustice, but it’s the liberal way.
So really my point is, don’t be an unfair parent, be a wise parent who considers the meaning and consequences of his actions in terms of lessons learned and incentives created.
From what I have read of your post, you make many good points. However, I noticed that some of those so-called “progressive” parents lashed back at you. In my opinion they were misguided and that has to do with the way they were raised and the dominate “Political Correct” parenting methods used in America today.
However, this misguided parenting movement did not start with any progressive, liberal, leftist movement (the one fabricated by conservative talk radio after President Reagan vetoed the Fairness Doctrine in the 1980s).
The “build a sense of “false” self-esteem method of parenting started about 125 years ago in the later part of the 19th century with John Dewey and then William James (who invented the term “self-esteem” in 1892 with a scientific definition, and grew slowly from there and gaining momentum in the 1920s and 1930s. Then in the 1950s and 1960s, the self-esteem parenting method moved from the home into the schools, both private and public, where it took off and spread like a cancer across the United States.
When the so-called progressive parenting movement reached critical mass was when Pastor Robert Schuller of the Crystal Cathedral wrote a book about it (Self Esteem: The New Reformation) in 1982 and then preached self-esteem from his pulpit, his radio show and on the Hour of Power reaching more than 25 million viewers.
After Schuller moved the misguided soft self-esteem method of parenting into the mainstream and made it the politically correct way to raise children, this method of raising kids got out of hand and became a malignant cancer, which we are dealing with today in generations of narcissistic, selfish children that have little or no respect for anyone but themselves.
Of course that does not mean all children today are raised the so-called progressive self-esteem way but the average child in America has been raised that way for more than thirty years—meaning more than half of our children have been ruined by misguided parents.
If more children were raised the way you suggest in your post, America would be a healthier culture with less drug and many other ills that our society faces today that did not exist in the numbers it does today.
I suspect that the politically correct self-esteem method of parenting will go the way of Soviet Communism and start to die off but how long must we endure before that time comes and how much damage to our culture will we have to suffer?
It’s progressive to have differing opinions from someone who writes an opinion piece?
I sometimes go to the library and look at random books. There are dozens of books on child-rearing.
Each of those books will in turn have different methods, and fixations on what works and what does not.
But let me guess only one is right and the others are wrong. The one that is right is a comprehensive how-to on every possible way a child could develope and the rest are simply drivel.
Oh wait that’s right. There is *No Way* one can brush every kid under one basket. If you raise your kids a certain way that’s your headache but your way is not going to work everywhere and neither will the authors way work everywhere.
To imply otherwise is not progressive. It’s smart.
The only criticism I would make concerning the reasoning part of the article is the use of 10 being a cutoff point for childhood reasoning. But I don’t think Ms. Robinson is unaware of the fact that reasoning ability grows with age. When a child is an infant, reason obviously has zero effect. It is up to the parent to guage the growth of their child’s reasoning ability and adjust their expectations and demands accordingly as time goes on.
On the topic of fairness, I think she should instead have dealt with what the child really means when complaining about “unfairness”. They are actually demanding equality, usually where their level of maturity militates against equality, as in the example given. The 9 year old should have done without a dirt bike, not because some arbitrary decision was made to keep it from him, but because he wasn’t old enough for the parents to take the risks involved. They could have told him that when he becomes 15, and still wants one, they will consider it.
Reasoning can work, but you have to figure it from the kid’s angle.
“Brush your teeth or you are going to get cavities and they hurt. And I’m going to whip your butt.” “Brush your teeth or your breath is going to stink and I’m going to whip your butt.” Easily understood.
I see parents negotitating with kids as young as two! Its obvious who rules the relationship. The one thing that small families have wrought, it raises the value of the kids that people have. So they want their kids to be “happy” or “successful” almost at any cost. Its not the parents’ job to make kids happy or successful, but to guide them to these results as best they can.
Then there is self-esteem crowd. It makes me & my husband laugh. Never, ever would our parent have cared about our self-esteem. What they wanted were kids that behaved. Period.
I’ve been a father to my three children – with some success (oldest is in college, middle is a senior in H.S.).
1) I make sure I walk the talk. No “do as I say, not as I do”.
2) Once they were 8 I would try reason first, but if that didn’t work I was often willing to use authority.
3) As they are growing up I’m their father not their best friend, and I do know more than they do. I’m here to teach them how to live and think in the world.
4) I’m also here to BECOME their friend. As they got older I gave them more and more freedom. More chances to make their own decisions. So that by the time they are adults they aren’t suddenly free with no experience being free people.
5) I (almost) always showed by my own behavior how to treat other people. I tried to explain what I was doing and why I was doing it, when we were alone.
6) I (almost) always supported my wife when she told them to do something, even when I disagreed with her rule. She usually did the same for me.
7) We had fun and I love them very much. To really love someone means doing what is best for them over the long term and sometimes that is very hard.
I already expressed my view on the glib treatment of reason by the author, but I’m going to go further and say something politically incorrect and definitely sexist. The author perfectly expresses a woman’s viewpoint on the matter. This is why it takes a man and a woman to raise a child properly. Woman want you to do what they say, and by God they don’t give a damn what goes on in your mind as long as you do it, not matter how trivial the matter may be. Appropriate at a certain age no question, as I’ve already acknowledged, but extremely harmful beyond the age where their reason is developing that varies with every child. It can be quite young for some, as it was for me. Many mothers, like mine did, tend to get extremely agitated and even violent (not rising to the level of abuse) if you don’t behave as they’d like, and don’t even look for a reason why the child might not even be able to comply (no I’m not talking about eating green beans.) I am now 50 and I love my mom to death, but when I was ten-ish my dad saved me more than once from the wrath of my mom who just would not listen to reason. I am not alone.
It is not an accident that moms are the main fact of life for a child up to a certain point where the men tend to be more detached, and then at a certain point a good dad really starts to engage the children, and their inchoate ability to reason and men’s nature is the reason why. I’m sure it isn’t going to be popular for me to say it, but this article is a “Soccer Mom’s” expression of the matter. Homes dominated by women tend to be concerned with trivialities and food. God help the child who doesn’t have a dad to challenge and counterbalance a mom’s view. It is no accident that parent’s fight over how to deal with children. The shame is when they don’t and the man defers to the woman on raising kids. And yes I know there are bad dads out there, but it doesn’t change this dynamic. I am mentoring two fatherless girls of a single-parent and some things just become clear and remind me of critical times in my own childhood where mom simply didn’t know best, God love her.
C. S. Lewis addressed this matter in his understanding of why men were in fact necessarily the proper heads of families.
Dude, no offense, but you’re wrong. I just disciplined my four-year-old daughter for lying to her brother – she’s developed a problem with it – by giving her a time-out; because I use discipline sparingly, it broke her heart and she’s still sounding weepy. I use reason with my teens all the time, including the hard-to-work-with autistic child. However, they eat what they want provided they try everything once. I focus on character, not dumb little things. My boys are turning out fantastic, including the Marine, because of this. And I was a single mom for a large chunk of their childhoods!
I agree wholeheartedly that dads are necessary to a healthy family – but not because moms are irrational or focused on minutiae. They are necessary because it takes two people to parent a child, and dads make kids feel safe – a critical need especially for little girls. Similarly, dads are generally not as good at the nurturing thing – though my husband is better at it than I am! I’m sorry you had such a bad experience with your mom, but please don’t paint all women with the brush of your own singular experience.
Um . . . Jamie, “dude you’re wrong” isn’t even interacting with what I said. I didn’t say, nor do I think, that disciplining children is a problem, and it makes me sick the way some parents load up their child’s plate with food only to throw it all away. There are solutions to this obviously. I didn’t say I had a “bad experience with my mom,” I said the author had a glib response to some important questions and she voiced a woman’s perspective with a bunch of clichés. There is no question that there are nuggets of truth in what she said. It’s great that you work with difficult children, and I’ve learned a lot doing the same. My problem with the article is that it is a series of tired cliches, and it seems to me that the author of this article might not fare so well in doing that with her simplistic set of guidelines.
Written with authority. Excellent basic parenting skills; But, over the head of many, I’m afraid.
I went to an Italian restaurant a while back with my grandsons. We had talked about it amongst ourselves for at least an hour trying to decide where to have lunch. We finally settled on the Italian place for pizza.
Once seated, the youngest starts screaming “I want chinese; I want chinese!” His mom tried to assuage him and talked to him sternly. But, I couldn’t stop laughing. Everyone had ample time to say what they preferred for lunch, but this little one never made his desire known until we sat down. He disrupted the place so much that I was expecting someone to give him something that looked like chinese food just to shut him up. He ended up eating the pizza with a frown, but did eat, and never voiced another complaint.
I once had several dogs and wanted to train them for show and breeding. I bought a book called “How to Train You to Train Your Dog”. It was written with much wisdom, much like the position from which this essay is written. It had many effective methods for training obedience. It was one of my most valuable training aids.
Too bad there isn’t a book like this for parents.
The comments are very enlightening. Easy to see who had effective parenting.
So far 3 successful adult children, 2 to go. As far as food goes, they all have, at one point or another, rejected some food or another. So be it. I do not, will not, under any circumstances eat scalloped potatoes. My wife and kids love them. They get served when I’m not going to be home for dinner. From my own experience growing up, forcing unwanted food down a kids throat is a bad thing.
OTOH, one of my adult sons made the observation about two years ago: “Dad, why don’t you ever eat the fruits you bring home?” I wasn’t brought up on a lot of fruit and vegatables- hence, I don’t have a taste for many. I have always brought home exotic fruits and everyday fruits and offered them to the kids, and it took 20 years for one of them to notice I didn’t partake. My kids eat a far greater variety of food then I do.
As for all other discipline, my wife and I have always done the same thing. Set the rules, and follow the rules. When Daddy says, “On the count of three…” the kids all know that whatever I promised will happen will happen if they haven’t complied. Everytime, without exception. That means the threat has to be realistic. Bottom whopping is fine, removing the head, not so good. My older sons’ GF’s learned quickly that when I said my daughter could get her ears pierced when she turned 16, it meant just that. At least 4 of them brought the subject up at dinner, offering to take her out and get the ears pierced, after being warned not to bother. They each only brought it up once. On her 16th b-day, along with a learner’s permit, she had her ears pierced.
The logic behind 16? Wanted her to be old enough to understand what she was doing, and 16 seemed about right.
Oh, yes, another key. Keep the kids busy enough that they don’t have time to get into trouble. Scouts, karate, ballet, school sports, etc. If you are too lazy to keep your kids busy, someone else will find a way to keep them “entertained”. Whether living in the city, suburbia, or middle of nowhere as I do now. The kids currently in trouble in HS? The ones who I never saw at scouts, swim lessons, or voluntary community activities of any kind- and whose parents are equally absent from same.
Food battles – parents NEVER win, food (when freely available, as in our present day) is one of the few things that a child CAN CONTROL (the other is elimination).
Best advice my parents ever got was from our family physician, (who came from a large family, and had a large family) for toddlers… if over the course of a week they DO EAT on their own from all the food groups… then left them have a meal of just carrots, or just apples, or just a meat patty… have the food available, but let them eat, and eat their full.
Adults frequently MISJUDGE the quantity that a toddler or small child CAN eat at one sitting frequently. And if they won’t (or can’t) eat, take it away, properly store and put it out for the next time they are hungry (and please reheat it if is something to eat warm.) It worked for me, my siblings and for my kids. There is nothing wrong with a pork chop, gravy and mashed potatoes, and peas for breakfast!
“There is nothing wrong with a pork chop, gravy and mashed potatoes, and peas for breakfast!”
This is the kind of stuff my dad pulled. God I hated meal times with a passion when I was little! I was required to eat every single thing he put on my plate, and he didn’t care how many meals it took to eat it.
Also, it’s quite simple to work out how much a child should be eating: Protein – the size of their palm is the appropriate size. Veggies/Fruits – 2x the size of the palm. Grains – size of the palm. Adults – this should be how much you are eating as well, btw.
Poor article. None of these things are absolute. I was hypersensitive to food tastes and could not eat spicy foods until I was an adult. Thankfully, my mother was not a food Nazi.
From: P.J. O’Rourke’s new book, “Don’t Vote, It Just Encourages The B’s”.
I have a twelve-year-old daughter, Muffin. All I hear is, “It’s not fair! It’s not fair! It’s not fair!” I say to her, “Honey, you’re cute. That’s not fair. You’re smart. That’s not fair. You were born in the United States of America. That’s not fair. Darling, you had better get down on your knees and pray to God that things don’t start getting fair for you.” — P. 47-48.
Parenting is a difficult task. To some it comes easily and naturally, to others, they have had poor role models. I have 5 kids, who are good people. Each is very different in temperament, and goals, and each has their strengths and their weaknesses. My husband and I are very, very different in our upbringing, and parenting abilities. I grew up in a home where yelling, and slaps were common, and I was an only child. My husband in a home, where reason reigned, and the two boys were left to make their own decisions. I was told always, “try one bite, at least”, my husband, if you don’t like it, get a bowl of cereal.
The issue of parenting isn’t supposed to be a battle of wills, but a lesson in choice and accountability. It is supposed to be a means, in learning how to make good choices, and when bad choices are made, allowing consequences to happen. I read many parenting books, one of my favorites, A joyful mother of children, by Linda Eyre, talked about having children come up with consequences to unacceptable behaviour. By doing this, my own children have learned a lot. They take responsibility for their actions, or inaction. I practice patience with them, and they in turn with me. What I really want my kids to learn, is not that I am right, but that integrity, charity, patience, hard work, kindness, service, saving, cleanliness are eternal principles that bring happiness. I am a parent with ADHD, so planning and follow through are not my strengths, so I have enlisted my children to help. To me as a parent, it has been a priority to develop their talents, to recognize their weaknesses in a supportive way, but also, to follow through on character issues. One day my 6th grade son, now a jr, came home with an average overall grade point average, he was in the gifted program. He was ready for a fight, I asked him, “How do you see yourself, average, or above average?” He said, “I’m above average!” “Then your grades should reflect that.” I didn’t need to say anything more. That would not have worked on his younger brother, he needed more support, and I had to figure out what his carrot was and dangle it out in front of him. I am happy to report, this young man, is taking care of his own homework and grades now. He does not eat breakfast, he drinks Nestle with 7 scoops choco powder in it! He will figure it out too! Each child is different. I do agree with this article, that we need to be consistent, clear in our expectations and our directions, and some times we need to follow up as to why a child does what they do. Kids like boundaries. They need them.