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Dr. Helen

I am re-reading psychologist Shawn Smith’s new book The Woman’s Guide to How Men Think: Love, Commitment, and the Male Mind. I read the manuscript the first time when the publisher asked me to blurb it and I found it a very helpful book for women who want to have a better relationship with their significant other. Here is what I had to say:

Shawn Smith does not apologize for male traits, nor does he try to change them. Instead, he reveals what they mean to women who want a better relationship with the man who possesses those traits. This book walks female readers through the male mind, and helps them understand how to be more empathetic and connected to the man they love. This book teaches that men’s behavior and love is not better or worse, just different. Acknowledging the difference is what makes this guide a gem.

The book has a section on how male love can be different than women’s. The author discusses how men are more prone to demonstrating love with action rather than through words. Smith gives an example of how a man will demonstrate his love by changing a woman’s oil to show he wants her to be safe and happy. Women don’t always understand that message. One man in the book stated, “It seems like I can knock myself out doing repairs, cutting firewood, working on the cars, and even doing housework, but somehow, it’s an issue with what I haven’t done. That really makes me retreat.”

Women and society have been trained to see the culture and relationships through the female lens. Men are seen as “the other” and their way of doing things is suspect and wrong. We need to think about what message this is sending to men. It is no wonder they retreat like the man mentioned above or simply go on strike. Books like The Woman’s Guide to How Men Think might help, but only if women listen.

Also see: 

International Conference for Men’s Issues

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Top Rated Comments   
" I love the Sarah Palins, Michelle Bachmans, and Margaret Thatchers of this world, but I would be willing to bet that all of them would like to say,"why do I have to do this? Where are the men?""

No, you're wrong. These women are natural leaders and fighters. They lead and fight even when they are surrounded by men who lead and fight. That's what the feminists never understood and you don't seem to understand - that those if us women who are strong never needed men's permission to be strong and never needed to take anything away from men's power to claim our own.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
A man who changes the oil loves you; just don't let him change the brake pads unless you are sure he REALLY loves you.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
Yes, but, the world needs strong women and strong men. All three women you cite do NOT replace men; they fight alongside REAL men, and REAL men are happy to have them in the fight.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
All Comments   (72)
All Comments   (72)
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He changes her car's oil because he thinks she's worth it.

She buys L'Oreal make up because she thinks she's worth it.

See the difference?
19 weeks ago
19 weeks ago Link To Comment
A male friend of mine told me that his (ex)wife would cry and be depressed, and he would try to help by fixing the soffits on their house... oh well.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
Just to avoid any misunderstanding, that is your CAR'S oil.

P. S.

Do women really want men to read them love poems? English majors aside, is there a man in America who knows a love poem that doesn't have the word "Nantucket" in it?
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
Mutual respect and courtesy between the sexes. Is that so hard to understand?

It might be for this current youngish crop of supposedly western-civilized humans who have no respect for anything, and certainly no courtesy toward anyone, but might they, in their confusion, be somehow persuaded toward a gentlier view?

[/Maggie Smith]
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
My life's lesson is don't marry high maintenance, and don't be high maintenance. The trouble with modern society is that it is trying to teach all of us to be high maintenance, which is one way of describing an entitlement attitude. The culture pushes us all in that direction, but just live your own life and ignore it as much as you can. With any luck, one attracts a mate with a similar attitude, and the relationship is almost perfect.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
There's an old piece of advice: yes, to have a good relationship, you have to meet your partner half-way - and understand that you have to feel that you're going 2/3 of the way to accomplish that.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
Behavior that displays love and care _is_ poetry.

The purpose of poetry? Leadership. That's why it's vitally important to human life – and why it matters so much that men, in particular, have surrendered it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZZF5VYqkFQ
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
What's to understand?
Men want sex, beer, sex, sports, and sex.
Don't over-complicate things.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
Less beer, more meat.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
My ex-wife never bothered to figure out how to treat me. Some things meant nothing to her. I mean, what woman complains when you bring them flowers that you didn't have them delivered?
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
what woman complains when you bring them flowers that you didn't have them delivered?
A really stupid one. Congrats on the harridian-ectomy. I hope the divorce bills were small.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
I will grant that my comments about Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachman, and Margaret Thatcher are obviously suppositions, but I had this point verified close to home a couple of years ago. A young woman in our district decided to run for the state house of delegates. She ran a forceful campaign. Her speeches were principled and fiery. She said herself that the reason she was running was because hardly anyone was defending her rights, her hopes, he future, and those of her family. She said plainly she was perfectly content and would have preferred to devote herself to being a wife and a mother. She simply felt that the cultural and political disintegration she was witnessing compelled her to step up and take action because hardly anyone was. The implication was that this wasn't preferably a woman's task, but that there were too few principled men standing in the breach. She was defeated by those within her own party who considered her "polarizing" and "unelectable", the terminology of the professional political types that hate people that can't be bought off. The public loved her as long as their minds weren't poisoned by false and inflammatory characterizations of her. She works professionally in a field related to my own and I know her as an acquaintance well enough to know this is a true representation of her outlook. I was not attacking women in my previous comment, but men who don't know what their role is and how to take it seriously without worrying themselves to impotence whether they've had adequate sensitivity and conflict resolution training. And finally, all you people out there, men or women, who spend your lives, primed every day, to be offended by who knows what, can take your prissy little psyches and stuff it.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
Another good book about this kind of stuff is The Five Love Languages. Sounds hoaky but it has really helped my marriage. I think men and women are inclined to different love languages. I had to realize that my husband changed my oil (or similar) as an act of love, not just 'cause he's a guy, and I needed to appreciate it. Sorry to say but I was raised in a feminist culture and I have to stop and remind myself that is no way to have a marriage.
21 weeks ago
21 weeks ago Link To Comment
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