Gay Squirrel!

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If I could reach into the heart of humankind and pluck one flaw from its unknowable depths, it would be our seemingly irresistible desire to tell one another what to do. Think of the results! The Democratic Party would vanish in an instant. The federal budget would shrink to the size of a compact car payment. And all religions would be Christianity at its best. We could still continue to enjoy our pride, lust, greed and gluttony while feeling morally superior to our neighbors’ pride, lust, greed and gluttony. We just wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. It would be like — oh, I don’t know — like living in America again. Free country. To each his own. That’s what makes for horse races. And all that.

I’m not a lawyer and so will read what lawyers say for a few days before forming any opinion of the Supreme Court’s latest decisions on gay marriage. But as for the likely practical results of those decisions, I can tell you already: I don’t care. I believe the advent of no-fault divorce gutted marriage of any beneficent legal meaning, and so the government should simply get out of the business altogether and leave the whole thing to contract law and church ceremony.

As for the morality of it, God gives each of us one set of sexual apparatus and that, as far as I’m concerned, is His way of telling us to mind our own f—ing business. If it turns out these court decisions somehow abridge the right of Muslims to topple walls onto the heads of homosexuals, well, by golly, I will speak out stridently for freedom of religion. But if the only thing that happens is that gay people get to pledge to love and honor one another until a Muslim wall do them part, somehow I’m going to press on more or less unscathed. Hell, I’m an Episcopalian. In my church, if you sleep with a goat while taking communion during Lent, you get, like, a time out. We’re just not very strict about these things.

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Still, I can’t help but feel that the real story, the big story, is that gay people, like black Americans before them, are being played for fools by what Andrew Breitbart used to call the Democrat-media complex. Surely, the all-Supreme-Court headlines should really read something like, “GDP shrinks to nothing due to the fact that government is overspending on entitlements while simultaneously spying on American citizens and abusing the power of taxation to suppress political speech at the same time the administration is mishandling world events so that the United States has become an impotent laughing stock whose ambassadors can be murdered at will while tyrants thrive…  oh, and by the way, the Supreme Court ruled…  something that will make very little difference to the overall state of the nation.”

Instead — so help me this is true — the New York Times ran a story on the dwindling GDP as if it was a good thing — because the stock market rose when investors decided the Fed wouldn’t stop printing fake money to pump into the economy after all, because the economy still stinks so…  whew, that was close! The Huffington Post said the crummy GDP was due to — wait for it — government austerity! Have the folks at HuffPo lost the capacity to blush? As for the IRS and Benghazi scandals — if you’re watching network news, there is, almost literally, nothing to see here. And you can pretty well bet the network news directors will make sure that the next few days will be all gay marriage all the time.

My point is that we are in the grips of a truly corrupt, abusive, incompetent, and philosophically unAmerican administration. If it were led by a white Republican, the media would be disassembling it brick by brick — and rightly so. But it is run by a black Democrat, so instead, reporters are lying, covering up, and shouting “Squirrel!” to distract us whenever the truth starts to emerge.

I understand how emotionally satisfying it must be to win court cases like this — I do. But gay Americans (who, after all, live in the same republic, the same economy, and the same world as straight Americans) ought to get hip to the fact that this time, they’re the squirrel.