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The Secret Conservative Messages of “Angry Birds.”

December 14th, 2012 - 8:26 am

Can anyone tell me the difference between playing Angry Birds and getting hooked on methamphetamines?  Okay, I guess with Angry Birds you don’t lose your teeth. And you don’t have to sell your body to keep up the supply. In fact, after the nice Angry Bird people sell you the app for around five bucks, they periodically stock it with new levels for free. Try to get your meth supplier to give you a deal like that!

But has anyone besides me ever tried to give this thing up? It’s virtually impossible. Fortunately, however, playing teaches you a ton of conservative virtues. That’s what I tell my wife anyway. Because she thinks I’m just, you know, goofing off.

But here’s a few of the things you can learn flipping birds at pigs:

1. It’s not nice to steal what other people produce. The pigs are the villains because they take the birds’ eggs. Could the symbolism be any clearer? Pigs = Government. Eggs = The Productions of the Productive. Ayn Rand couldn’t have said it better — except maybe in her brilliant scene where a boomerang myna bird flies backwards into a beach ball.

2. When in doubt, turn to the wisdom of those who’ve gone before. If you want to score three stars on every level and pick up the golden eggs, sooner or later, you’re going to have to consult YouTube. It’s what we Angry Birders have instead of the Federalist Papers.

3. Doing the same thing over and over will produce the same results. In the immortal words of the exploding blackbird: “Don’t just keep hurling the same bird at the same spot. What doesn’t work doesn’t work. It’s exactly like socialism because… KA-BOOM!” The guy never finishes a sentence.

4. Destroy the foundation and everything else collapses. Clearly a veiled reference to the Obama administration’s repeated unconstitutional usurpations of power and its disregard for American practice and tradition. Also a good technique for getting a series of traffic cones to topple a wooden beam bringing down a stone castle.

5. The anchors of the network news media have degenerated into dishonorable liars.  I think this is obvious. Just stop playing Angry Birds for a few minutes and watch their shows.

Well, I could go on, but I have to get back to work. A group of pigs (government) has stolen the eggs (money) from some birds (productive citizens) and I have to start hurling bodies at them in order to bring down their elaborate but essentially useless structures and restore the land to liberty.

Once you start, you just can’t stop!

 

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