The MSM Reports: Candidates of Death!
Anchor: Good evening, this is MSM News. The presidential candidate who murdered Joe Soptic’s wife has chosen for his running mate a man who pushes old ladies in wheelchairs off cliffs. It’s a ticket that some political observers say resembles an episode of Dexter with two murderous psychopaths chasing each other around the room. Observers across the political spectrum from far left to left have condemned Mitt Romney’s choice of the budget-cutting Paul Ryan as a harrowing, blood-soaked event that will leave the bodies of women and the elderly strewn across the political landscape. To discuss this issue, we’ve assembled a team of our most objective journalists. We’ll begin with Candy Crowley from CNN. Candy, you met a Republican once, how is the GOP feeling about this selection?
Crowley: A lot of Republicans feel this could be some sort of political ticket death wish. I mean, we’ve already had this whole debate about trying to bring down the debt by cutting government spending and I believe we’ve reached a consensus that we’d prefer to do nothing while uselessly taxing the rich out of envy and bitterness. The American people have spoken and I just think it’s insane for Republicans to bring up the subject of the economy when the economy is so bad.
Anchor: Jonathan Alter is the former senior editor of Newsweek, an NBC political analyst and the trustee in charge of tinfoil for the audio-visual department at St. Mary’s Post-Modern Home for the Narratively Insistent. What do you think, Jonathan?
Alter: This just confirms my contention that a vote for Mitt Romney is a vote for death. This is not an exaggeration or some sort of insane blithering from a man who’s lost all sense of the moral and ethical obligations of the profession of journalism. This is simple fact. If Romney is elected, people will die. People who vote for Romney will die. They may die even in the act of voting. I wouldn’t be surprised to see people keeling over the moment they pull the lever. It’s going to be a bloodbath.
Election Day: The night HE came home!
Anchor: A recent CBS poll of Obama supporters shows that Obama’s support skyrocketed after the Ryan pick. As you can see on the graphic, almost 90 percent of deceased Chicago residents without driver’s licenses say they like the president an awful, awful lot and are frightened by a Romney-Ryan ticket that seems to them like a remake of the shower scene in Psycho. The poll had a margin of error of 3 percent, but those are still pretty startling numbers. Gloria Borger of CNN, you’ve talked to a lot of Democrats about what Republicans think — what was in Mitt Romney’s mind with this death-dealing death wish?
Borger: Well, the interesting thing to me is how polarizing a figure Ryan is. Many, many Democrats who know the Republicans well say the Republican Party will be torn apart by how polarizing this polarizing figure is. After Polish hero Lech Walesa’s endorsement of Romney, there was some hope the GOP might garner votes among Poles but now even the Poles are polarized because of how polarizing a figure this polarizing Ryan is.
Alter: Not to mention the whole death angle. I mean, look, Ryan can try to explain away the attack ad in which an actor played him killing an old woman in a wheelchair, but I think the fact that he giggled wildly when he did it is going to stick in voters’ minds.
Anchor: Actually, I think that was Richard Widmark in Kiss of Death.
Alter: Right, but that just brings us back to the whole “death” narrative again. It’s like a leitmotif running through this entire candidacy.
Anchor: I see your point. CBS’s Bob Schieffer, you used to pretend to be a journalist, what do you think?
Schieffer: Well, it’s clear that Ryan’s plan to add 1.3 trillion dollars to the federal budget over the next ten years represents a cut of 5 trillion dollars to the federal budget over the next ten years.
Bianna Golodryga, ABC: That’s right, Bob. And many Democrats contend that Ryan’s plan to make Medicare and Social Security economically viable will destroy two programs that would be perfectly able to destroy themselves if we just left them alone.
Anchor: Well, there you have it. A range of views from across the mainstream media. It seems clear that the Paul Ryan pick is a polarizing death-wish of polarized death-dealing death.
This is MSM News.
Belly Laugh! Oh, Thank You!
They were getting to me today — you cured that and saved me — you’re my Hero! (Swoon!) Now, all I want to do is jump in and play — The Poles were polled and were found to be polarazed by the polarizing …. Some Republicans who are not Poles, became Polarized because Ryan is so Polarizing. Polar Bears, however, had nothing to say — although they did admit they were polarized too. (Sorry, I just had to do that.)
“The presidential candidate who murdered Joe Soptic’s wife has chosen for his running mate a man who pushes old ladies in wheelchairs off cliffs.”
“You met a Republican once, how is the GOP feeling about this selection?
“A vote for Mitt Romney is a vote for death.”
I can’t stop giggling.
I’m gonna print this out and hang it on my wall. And send copies to all my lefty friends, who will then never speak to me again.
It’s hard to say which are your funniest, but today’s is up there. Maybe even #1.
If we have to live through all this insanity, we’d better find a way to stay sane.
By capturing the reality that is more than absurdity … You put it all into perfect perspective.
Satire is always more humorous if it contains an element of truth. Unfortunately this is so close to reality it almost surpasses parody and goes right to prophecy.
Is there any chance we could persuade Death Himself — you know, the hooded guy with the skeleton hands and the big scythe — to run for president on a third-party ticket? It would surely, ah, liven up the race!
By gad, sir, you just keep getting better. On-the-money ridicule is not only an embarassment to the Demunists, it is great fun for we curmudgeons. Don’t ever change.
Unfortunately, you are spot on. As they say, “you can’t make this stuff up,” and you pretty much don’t have to, just turn on the TV or pick up a newspaper or magazine, or scan the Internet and there it is, in all its mendaciousness and idiocy.
I wish I thought that the MSM and the commentariat would pay more of a penalty than the current precipitous decline in readers and viewers, subscribers, and advertising revenue for their total abandonment of principle and relative objectivity, for their giant, Left wing thumb mashing down on the scale–but they probably won’t, and the people without whom Obama could not have become President will likely go on their merry way, pretending that they did no wrong, and that most of today’s journalists actually are “professionals” who actually do adhere to their much invoked a code of “ethics.”
Andrew has better comedic timing than my reading-in-my-head-voice does. It should have been a video.
Great video and very true. The scary thing about ObamaCare, though, is that unless Romney is elected in November and we repeal this thing, it WILL stand and it WILL be enforced. And that WILL bankrupt us, and fast. The Congressional Budget Office (CBO) has already stated that ObamaCare will cost over twice as much as predicted and the plan hasn’t even been put into place yet. And NOBODY is talking about how many doctors will stop practicing medicine because of ObamaCare. Plus, where will all the NEW doctors come from to treat the 30 million new people who will get free insurance? Obama and his minions never seem to answer any of those questions. Unless we repeal ObamaCare, and fast, you will see just how quickly we can lose what little money we have left.
It becomes increasingly clear that Obama either hates or fears children-or perhaps both. First he wants to provide free birth control to prevent their conception. If that fails, he wants to provide free abortions to prevent their birth. For those little rascals who somehow manage to survive to birth, he wants to saddle them with government debt so that they can never achieve their potential and must surrender to government control. I have a vision of Obama rushing towards a cliff – perhaps a fiscal cliff – pushing a stroller (of government approved design) with a child inside. Cut to a grinning Obama watching the child go over the cliff into the abyss.
Thank you Mr. Klavin for pointing out in a most amusing way just how close our MSM talking heads are to complete absurdity. It just goes to show how the most serious political points can be best made by humor. Please keep it up.
I can state categorecally that the Death Rate in America will be 100% if Mitt Romney is elected.
We cannot allow this to happen or, in the imortal words of Jim Morrison, No One Will Get Out Of This Alive!
KOTC for Press Secretary (I know it’s cruelty to Klavan but can you imagine the fun at press conferences?).
this election is not about the candidates…it is about the voters.
This presidential election is about one simple, yet profound question:
Do Americans who will vote want an honest debate about the facts and the future or do they want a dishonest debate? In other words, America….can we handle the truth?
If Barack Obama is re-elected…then the answer is an emphatic “No”.
An electorate majority that can be mesmerized by a punk form Chicago who runs up and down the stage shouting “hope and change” is a very worrisome situation indeed. You nailed it. The message that Paul Ryan delivers requires reasonable intelligence to be comprehended. Do over 50% of those who will vote have that intelligence let alone an appreciation of what America stands for and a concern for her future? Those factors seem to pose a daunting challenge for far too many to make the situation appear for the good. The big question to be voted upon in November will be “have we become a nation of dimwits?”. That answer may be an emphatic “yes”.
Yoops
Nation of dimwits: check. Attribution of quotations is tricky on the ‘net, but one that sticks with me was supposedly made by a Czech intellectual of some stripe who noted that the problem is not the Narcissist, but the natinal intellectual degradation that his 2008 election represents. Can it possibly be that Californians has become so childlike that they would make Jerry Brown their governor, with GAVIN NEWSOME as the backup, ready to come off the bench for some serious minutes of defense? That New Yorkers would buy, again, the Axelrod/Plouffe program in the face of their own productivity-shrinking taxes? That the “new generation” gets its “news” from Jon Stewart or some loathesome, self-hating HBO “comic”? If this is not evidence of dimwittedness, I rest my case anyway.
Recently had a conversation with a retired school teacher, southern conservative. Told her that I’d contributed to the Romney campaign even though I don’t like him and she told me, ” They contacted me about donating and I told them, you have more money than I do so spend your own money to get elected President”. Educated lady. The light is very dim indeed. Sad.
There is no doubt that the answer to the question is an emphatic YES. just ask any Ivy school grad the question and see.
I liked the parts of that which were parody. The Alter stuff, though, was probably just actual quotes.
Priceless!
Saturday I predicted that by Sunday evening the MSM would have regurgitated a DNC buzz word for Ryan’s selection much like it did with “gravitas” after GWB had selected Dick Cheney. This video and the comments that followed it have identified the word. It is “polarizing”. Listen for it .
Republican candidates, please study the way Chris Christie talks to the public sector unionists, and match his sensible rhetoric.
IF Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security are to survive, they absolutely MUST be changed. The question is, will people NOW sacrifice something, so that future beneficiaries can have some hope of some benefits, without the entire program and/or nation collapsing in a disgraceful heap of debt.
These issues cannot be fixed without some pain. Let’s admit that, and FIX the fiscal problems. Democrats keep whistling past the graveyard, pretending we can keep growing our debt forever. Show the electorate how stupid and short-sighted their approach. Be a grown-up. Study the arithmetic. Tell the truth. Then, grow a pair and fight for the solution.
PJM Reports: Candidates to fix the Debt: Romney/Ryan. Candidate for Press Secretary: Klavan. Just imagine the exchanges between Andrew and the Press Corps or should I say the Depress Corpse. Klavan on the Culture is classic conservative comedic commentary that keeps me clued-in and coming back. You put a smile on the face of a grumpy old fart.
There are very few levers to pull anymore to vote, so I doubt we’ll see a lot of deaths.
“CBS’s Bob Schieffer, you used to pretend to be a journalist, what do you think?”
You could sell tickets if this guy was a reporter at an Obama news conference (remember them- no I don’t either).
Ole Bob, who puts a grandfatherly face on liberalism, was just selected to moderate one of the presidential debates. Now Mitt will have to prepare for two opponents.
MSNBC’s Melissa Harris-Perry, vying with Al Sharpton & Touré [Neblett] for that network’s Racebaiter-in-Chief mantle, was disdainful of Ryan’s Jeffersonian reference that “our rights come from Nature & God, not government.” She bitterly retorted that those were “lovely remarks coming from a rich white man.” The Age of Obama is upon us. Beware.
Rich, white man?
Most of Ryan’s money came because his wife’s mother died, leaving her a couple mil. That money is managed by trusts managed by his family, not him. Not his money. His tax return of 2011 showed income of just a bit above his Congressional salary.
“In his early years working on Capitol Hill, Ryan supplemented his income by working as a waiter, as a fitness trainer and at various other side jobs.” (Wiki)
IOW, he worked at whatever job he could find, because the staff position did not pay much. That is hardly the sign of some (read: privileged) rich, white man. True, he is a creature of government, but he at least has worked in the private sector and got his hands dirty.
So, what is the net worth of MSNBC’s Melissa Harris-Perry, hmm? Is she a rich, black woman? I mean, she has her own TV show, right?
You think she meant Jefferson?
Fredrick Douglass is spinning in his grave.
The MSM or Lame Stream Media are a joke . They insist on being biased to the leftwing who would shut them down in a heartbeat if they had total power . Already the Obama White House monitors what they send in vis PCs at the White House . Must be approved they say and yet they see nothing wrong with this .
The Media has but one job and that is to report the news and in an unbiased manner . Unfortunately they seem to have forgotten this . Once it was considered a honor to be intrusted with reporting and or writing the news . No longer , now it seems it is the duty of 95% of all news people to report leftist lies and or rumors with no concern for truth , facts or opposing view point . They also believe that they have every right to print what they want regardless of any breech of national security or interest . Any thing to scoop the other sources
Goldie
Toure done be eclipsed by that, mon. What does it even mean? I’ve come to expect complete nonsense from the quota-hire pigmentation commentator, but generally you tell how they are tying the inevitable charge of racism to the statement or conduct of the Man. She lost me here. If you are rich (which Ryan isn’t) or white, you can afford to think this way, but if you are black, then: what? Your rights do only come from government, because government is the only thing keeping the rich, white Republicans from putting you back on the plantation? Black people don’t have the luxury of thinking that God and Nature are relevant to their fundamental beliefs because there was once legal slavery and Jim Crow? WTF? This is all just so confusing and troubling, I’m thinking of releasing my slaves myself. It is just too much trouble, with all the HUD and HHS forms and mandatory OSHA slave training. Screw it. I’m getting one of those cotton gins.
Well done, but you forget “dangerous extremist” in there.
Thescoot, you are exactly on target. This election result will show clearly what Americans are: lovers of the Constitution, freedom, life and sound moral values–or self-centered, self-absorbed ninnies who don’t care what the gov’t does as long as they get enough freebies to live on. The latter, of course, have no clue where that will lead in short order.
So, dead people have DOUBLE reason to vote for Obama this time: 1. Research shows that dead people vote more often for Democrats (because Democrats are so kind and giving by helping them get to the polling sites, and then assisting with those confusing voting machines, absentee & butterfly ballots); and, most importantly, 2. Because Romney killed them by causing them to get cancer and then refusing to treat it.
Funny, but you know, after hearing of Romney’s pick, the first thing I see on
Facebook is a short video clip which purportedly shows Ryan pushing down a 70 yr old man and then joking about it. I watched the video, in it some older man was very irate and yelling about entitlements while Ryan was talking at what looked like a town hall meeting. He was removed by security, resisted, fought with security and cuffed. Ryan’s ‘joke’: “I hope he took his blood pressure medicine.”
An elderly man was tossed out of a town hall meeting he went to for the purpose of voicing his displeasure over an ad blitz that depicted something that was patently false. Worse yet, the congressman was not behind these ads (nor were any of his supporters).
So, he really went there to vent because he was told to (in this case lied to). Someone played on his darkest fears (emotional response) because they knew how to get a rise out of people like him.
Sounds to me like he became just one more useful idiot for the left to use in its quest to retain power.
For the left and specially far left, it is better to have no plan than a bad plan.
In the first case they go to the beach immediately in the second case they have to stay to not discuss but demolish the plan without any counter-proposal and demonize the opposition. The left/far left is nothing but nihilist.
– him after today’s Iowa incident.
The one area where Mr Klavan was incorrect was his claim that we have the second highest corporate tax rate in the industrialized world.
If I remember correctly, the Japanese government recently lowered its corporate tax rate to stimulate economic growth in the wake of the earthquake and tsunami that devastated parts of the country. We now have the highest corporate tax rate in the industrialized world.
Congratulations America!!
“Ryan can try to explain away the attack ad in which an actor played him killing an old woman in a wheelchair, but I think the fact that he giggled wildly when he did it is going to stick in voters’ minds.”
I was thinking that the GOP should run an ad where, after the fake Ryan pushes the (fake) victim, an Obama lookalike pops out of the foliage & laughs maniacally.
Well Klavan you’re wide of the mark. That was a much too subtle portrayal of the Lame Scream Media.
This NEEDS to be a video. Please bring back the KOTC videos!
Let’s move on from this distraction and look at the facts about Ryan:
http://www.economicpolicyjournal.com/2012/08/the-truth-about-paul-ryan-wenzel-cuts.html
Enough said