Drunkblogging the 2024 State of the Union Address

One last pitch, and then I'll pour one for everybody. Help PJ Media keep covering the crazy by becoming our VIP or VIP Gold supporters — and get access to exclusive video live chats, podcasts, VIP-only columns, and our (nearly) troll-free comments section . You need independent news and analysis and we need to keep the lights on. You can join here and don't forget our massive 50% off SAVEAMERICA promo code.

Before you go...

I'll let someone more sober and less strung out than I am do the real wrap but I'll finish with something approximating a thought or two.

As speeches go, this wasn't one — just a grab bag of random stuff, arranged in no particular order, with no dramatic sweep, and delivered with all the grace of a spider monkey on Red Bull.

As a campaign event, it might have inspired the dedicated, but if you were worried about Biden's fitness... you're more worried now than you were two hours ago.

I know I am.

Drink up.

I see a future where Biden's comedown later tonight involves Demerol and Methadone.

I think my favorite part was where he dealt with boos like a standup comedian on his first night on stage.

The laundry list of reminders of how long he's been around DC might not be the W he thinks it is. 

GIVE EMMERYONE A FAIRSHT!

END CANCER AS WE KNOW IT AND WE WILL.

What does that even mean?

LKGHAELIRGUAERLIGUBAG PROTECT OUR CHILLEN ONLINE!

I'VE MADE SURE THE MOSH ADVANED AMERGUN TECHNOMY NOT AMAIL IN SHINA!

ARE RGP IS UP MOREMA DECADE!

DASH WHY I BUILNA COALITION OF MORDAN MIMY COUNNRIES. 

NO PET PALESTINIAN LIVE IN DIGNITY!

TO THE LEADERSHIM OF ISZZRL I SHAY DISH.

Sorry, folks — I have less idea what's going on here than Biden does. I'm doing my best to transcribe the highlights, such as they are, but I feel like I'm doing a terrible job of it.

FANNIES OUT FOOD!

HAMAS ENTERED THIS CRISIS BY ENDING THE HOSTAGES!

THE CRISIS HAS BEEN GUT WRESTLING.

TRUMP SAID DO NOTHING BUT I SAID STOP IT!

These things to eshabel themselves, you know.