News & Politics

Happy Thanksgiving! 14 Things Conservatives Can Be Grateful For

AP Photo/Susan Walsh

Thanksgiving, the most American of Holidays, is here, and despite the commies’ best efforts, we have plenty to be thankful for. Grab a fork and a carving knife, and let’s get to it.

1. As a former New York City liberal, I’m thankful we conservatives can actually enjoy Thanksgiving. Imagine the rage libs must feel as they see us celebrate what they consider to be a day that “honors colonization.” Your pink-haired, gender-confused nephew’s eyeliner will flow like the Mississippi River as it screams about “cultural appropriation” and the “massacre” of indigenous people. Enjoy your tofurkey, you tragic creature. And remember, if it makes you vomit into your host’s toilet, that makes you an Indian giver.

2. I am grateful I can watch football teams called the Lions and the Bears compete without having a PETA-inspired aneurysm. I hope both teams sweat so much “toxic masculinity” that it oozes through our TV sets and causes my low-T, Antifa-wannabe cousin to consider using a urinal for once.

TRIGGER WARNING: Being from Detroit, I will bet $14.92 the Lions will lose.

2A. I am thankful I don’t lose in life as often as the Detroit Lions, Hillary, and Beto O’Rourke.

3. I am grateful no one has to say the words “TRIGGER WARNING” when speaking to me. I also believe a “trigger warning” is the last thing a violent offender should hear before being ventilated.

4. I am grateful that I KNOW, for a FACT, 1000%, that men can’t get pregnant. BONUS! I am also equally grateful knowing I can say that and make commies so angry they will poop their Crocs.

5. I am thankful for my pronouns, Aunt Jemima/Master Bedroom.

6. I am grateful I finally “followed the science” and it led me to realize Nancy Pelosi is a lizard person.

7. I am grateful for my “safe space” and the .357 revolver inside of it.

8. I am thankful the Detroit Red Wings have embraced diversity and have players from the U.S. and Canada.

9. I am grateful, to the point of prayer, that I am not Don Lemon. I can’t imagine being such a sitzpinkler.

10. I am grateful for my friends, as they won’t call me a “racist” for using the word “looting.”

11. I am grateful for the prison system and can’t wait until it becomes home to Anthony Fauci.

12. I am thankful I don’t write for a site that thinks people should employ “COVID bouncers” to remove their unvaxxed family members on Thanksgiving.

13. I am happy I don’t believe in stupid myths like the number 13 is bad luck, leprechauns, and white supremacy.

14. I am thankful I didn’t take a vaccine that doesn’t work just so Big Pharma can make mad stacks.

All that said, I DO wish I were smart enough to be the person who created and sells $45 boxes of tampons for men. Pure genius!

Happy Thanksgiving, patriots! It’s still our country. Let’s keep it that way.

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