November 18, 2017

HEH: As A Male Feminist, I Really Think I’d Absolutely Crush It If I Ever Had To Publicly Apologize For Sexual Misconduct.

Seriously. It would be an absolute slam dunk.

First off, I would immediately admit to the charges leveled against me. Whatever I was accused of doing, whether it was lewd comments, groping, public masturbation, coercing female employees into sex for promotions, or something even worse, I would own up to it because, as a progressive, I do not want to contribute to a culture that discredits women for speaking up. I read enough feminist think-pieces to know that it’s important to believe women, and in my apology, there wouldn’t be any half-assed claims about misconstruing signals or consent, no fucking way. I would own that shit.

Also, I wouldn’t wait until a Cosby-sized crowd of victims stepped forward. The moment one woman accused me of spiking her drink, boom, I’d post a full confession about what I did to her and also any other women I had traumatized. I would get the ball rolling on my public disgrace ASAP, without dilly-dallying until after a New York Times exposé forced my hand.

I would be held so goddamn accountable, you wouldn’t believe it. I’m seriously getting amped just thinking about it.


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