October 6, 2017

THE McVEGAN “HAM” “BURGER” — STEVE TRIED TO WARN YOU IN 2015 THAT GUSTATORY ABOMINATIONS SUCH AS THESE WERE ON THE WAY:

McDonald’s is almost certainly doomed. Or at the very least, Easterbrook is the wrong guy to head up the burger chain — any burger chain, for that matter.

To understand why I’ve come to this conclusion, read the very next line from the story:

Easterbrook plans to unveil his plan for turning McDonald’s into a “modern, progressive burger company” on May 4.

Now maybe I should withhold judgement until I see this plan next week. Maybe a bold headline like “McDonald’s Is Doomed” is just the kind of baseless clickbait fear-mongering I try to resist indulging in.

But a progressive burger company? Really?

How about a barber shop with shampoo laced with Nair? No, that doesn’t seem like a good idea to you? Let’s talk about it at my bar, where I water down the scotch. No, you’d rather not? Well, that’s how I feel about a “modern, progressive burger company.”

A progressive burger chain is like a quiet rave, a smoke-free poker game, or a free & fair Chicago election.

We all should have known the nightmares that would await us, as we fast-forward to today:

Catchily named the McVegan, it consists of a soy-based patty topped with tomato, salad, pickles and vegan McFeast sauce, sandwiched between a bun. Unfortunately for British vegans, however, the McVegan is currently only available in Finland, and for a limited time only.

—“McDonald’s Trials Vegan Burger,” the London Independent, today.

Reports that a detective named Frank Thorn was heard shouting “SOYLENT McVEGANS ARE PEOPLE! ARE PEOPLE!!!” could not be confirmed.