July 9, 2017

THE 21st CENTURY ISN’T WORKING OUT THE WAY I HAD HOPED. This ‘shaman’ charges thousands to protect your wardrobe from spirits:

For centuries, shamans have called upon spirits for guidance on some of life’s most pressing questions.

On a recent Thursday in Brooklyn, Colleen McCann closed her eyes and channeled her spirit guides for a very important mission: determining Helena Krodel’s power colors.

“For daytime negotiations, it’s soft pink, taupe nudes or blue . . . Black is nighttime negotiations,” McCann said. “[The guides are] saying neutral tones work really well for you because you have a lot of fire — plus, you’re rocking red lipstick a lot these days. What cools the element of fire? [The colors of] water or earth.”

For the past year, McCann, 37, has been the in-house shaman at Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s much-mocked lifestyle Web site. In addition to writing how-to articles on intuition for the site, she’s curated an “energy clearing kit” — complete with dried sage, a feather, and a smudge bowl in which sage is burnt for ritual purposes — that sells on Goop.com for $195.

She also works with high-powered, spirituality-seeking fashion editors and finance execs, helping them to better understand themselves, their true paths and their most flattering wardrobes.

In his 2007 book, Acoustic Design for the Home Studio, music journalist Mitch Gallagher quotes from veteran studio designer Russ Berger, in a subhead titled “Holy Eggs:”

“We once worked with the director of a Hawaiian public radio station who recounted a story about their first studio. On an excruciatingly tight budget, the original studios were treated with egg cartons. As is their custom with new construction, the local Kahuna was invite out to bless the facility for a small honorarium.

“The Kahuna was a rather large, rotund lady in full native dress, with all the usual acoustical testing accoutrements: beads, rattles, the works. Upon stepping into the studio for the first time, she grasped her chest in mock horror and circular swoon, and solemnly exclaimed, ‘Ohhh, the tortured souls of the dead chickens! This will be very expensive for me to bless and make this right!’

“Over the years, I’ve come to fondly remember her as the ultimate consultant…”

No. There is another.