AS ALWAYS, REAL LIFE CATCHES UP TO THE RAMBLINGS OF THE EARLIER, FUNNIER WOODY ALLEN.

Shot:

“I have never in my life had difficulty with the cops. I had difficulty with the cops, that’s not…no actually I didn’t have difficulty with the cops. I was once sitting home in my house, and a lot of cars pulled up around the house. They shined in searchlights, and I heard a voice over the loudspeaker say “We have your house surrounded. This is the New York public library” They wanted their books back, y’know, and the little librarian was lobbing grenades over the house. I came out with my hands up, y’know, kicking the book ahead of me. They took me down to the main branch on Fifth Avenue in New York, and they took away my glasses for a year.”

—From Woody Allen, Standup Comic, a collection of the Woodman’s original mid-’60s nightclub routines.

Chaser:

A Michigan couple faces more than three months in jail and hundreds of dollars in penalties for two overdue library books.

Catherine and Melvin Duren were arraigned Thursday in Lenawee County Court on a misdemeanor charge of failure to return rental property. If convicted, they could be sentenced to 93 days in jail and fined $500 for a Dr. Seuss title that’s missing and for a novel that they returned late.

—“Couple Threatened With Jail For Overdue Library Books,” HuffPost Crime, yesterday.