Directive 10-289
Racism doesn’t just plague America, it plagues the world.
I’m most concerned about it (the plague, that is, not race) here at home, because home is where I live. My own feelings are best summed up by comedian David Feldman, who said, “Racism is stupid when there are so many legitimate reasons to hate other people.”
And, yeah, that line is from the same guy who asked why it’s OK to have Dutch Boy™ brand latex paint but not a Jew Boy brand.
Anyway – I have a plan to end, once and for all, racism in the United States. It won’t work overnight, but the VodkaPundit Plan is certain to work over the course of a few generations.
The beauty of the VodkaPundit Plan is that it doesn’t require much new government spending, it doesn’t open businesses up to a new host of lawsuits, there are no new college admission standards, no expensive and pointless diversity sensitivity training classes, and no meddlesome Supreme Court to muck up the works.
The VodkaPundit Plan can be summarized in two words: Mandatory miscegenation.
After the passage of the VodkaPundit plan, marriage will no longer be left up to the whims of love struck fools, with all their sickening gooey talk and self-written wedding vows and eventual pain, recrimination, and expensive divorces. We’re going back to the old, tried-and-true way of arranged marriages – so the conservatives will be just as happy as the liberals are sure to be with the VodkaPundit Plan.
Marriage will be run like the military draft used to be. At the age of consent, you’ll be given a Federal lottery number. If, for instance, you’re white, your number will be drawn on your 18th birthday (13 in Arkansas) and you’ll be told whether you can marry another white person, or a person of color-other-than-pink. Color will be chosen by percentage. So you’ll have a 13 percent chance of having to marry a black or Latino, a 1 percent chance of having to marry a Jew, etc.
And the best part? You’ll be allowed to marry the person of you choice — that’s right: freedom will still ring. Just so long, of course, as they’re from the Federally-mandated part of the color wheel. And don’t panic, racist fiends: For now, your chances of getting to marry a white person are still slightly over 50 percent!
With each census every ten years, the proportions will be changed to reflect the new national figures for each race. Assuming normal fertility rates, the VodkaPundit Plan should result in the entire nation being the same tasty bronze color within a century or three.
Sure, there are problems such as dusky illegal immigrants who won’t draw lottery numbers, and we’re going to lose a lot of really funny jokes — but think of the progress we’ll make. For example, if white men still won’t be able to dance to syncopated rhythms, it’s because we won’t be around any more. Black guys will lose their stranglehold on the NBA, and — at long last — people other than Hispanics will finally be able to get decent Mexican food. A guy named Yamamoto stuck doing janitorial work? Under the VodkaPundit plan, it could happen!
The VodkaPundit Plan is also proven to work. American Jews have been marrying Goyim under a similar, self-imposed system for over fifty years, and already you can’t hardly tell them from regular white people anymore. There are probably even some on a TV show you already enjoy — it’s true.
Best of all, eventually we’ll have one less ridiculous reason to distrust, hate, and kill each other. And we won’t have to worry about some nasty lawsuit messing up my Plan. Just this week, the Supreme Court upheld a similar diversity requirement at the University of Michigan as a worthy “social good.”
To top things off, I present the VodkaPundit Plan to end sexual discrimination: From this day forward, everyone will be required to be gay at work. (Gym teachers, interior decorators, and wedding consultants exempted.)
Fashion classes start on Monday.
Whaddya mean going BACK to a time when marriages were arranged? When did that all change?!
I’m going to Hell for this one, I know it.
Not that I’d take back a single word, of course.
Asian-Americans are already there, though some of them marry Jews, which isn’t good for the janitor scenario.
Thanks for the post. It reminded me that I had conceived of a similar idea back in the ’80s. I posted about it and thanked your for reminding me on my post.
Preview is my friend! your=you. Doh! Homeresque head slap!
Were you watching Colin Quinn’s show yesterday by any chance? David Feldman was on, and they talked about marriage between races.
This was in a science fiction novel from the 80s… Damned if I could remember what it was. Anyway, the hook there was that you could date/marry whomever you wanted, but could only have a child with a member of a different race. I also recall someone telling me once that the US race problems would never be solved until there was massive misegenation, leading to a blurred racial spectrum rather than a simple binary system. (Brazil is often hailed as a place with a well-blended population, but there are still racial issues there–it just becomes more complicated when you can hate a hundred different shades of brown.)
I know you’re joking around, but there are people who would actively support such a system. Keep your mouth shut! This is how movements accidentally get started!
Hatred is no merely involved in skin color but also between and among religious groups. Misegenation might merely instead of making things nice for humanity vie further reasons for marital discord.
If yo were in a minority, dislike based upon race would matter much less if you had equity of opportunity etc.
What of discrimination against the overweight? Soon, there will be more overweights and they can legislate against those not overweight….democracy rules!
Hatred is no merely involved in skin color but also between and among religious groups. Misegenation might merely instead of making things nice for humanity vie further reasons for marital discord.
If yo were in a minority, dislike based upon race would matter much less if you had equity of opportunity etc.
What of discrimination against the overweight? Soon, there will be more overweights and they can legislate against those not overweight….democracy rules!
Wait a minute, did you propose this in honor of our fallen centerian racist Senator? I think he did his best, despite his Dixiecrat leanings, to further your dream of a mocha America. God bless Senator Thurmond and his hellbound, mummified carcass.
Put me in for Halle Barry.
Thanks.
Dammit! Blaster beat me!
Agreed, Stephen. To a point, anyway:) Directive 10-289? Heh…
My dad once said something similar to me…no, not something that would be made law, just a comment to the effect that the world will be a better place when races are so mixed up that no one knows what anyone is anymore. Makes it kind of difficult to hate someone for their race then, doesn’t it?
It’s a sad commentary that we’re reduced to this kind of speculation.
“All we need is a voluntary, free-spirited, open-ended program of procreative racial deconstruction. Everybody just gotta keep fuckin’ everybody ’til they’re all the same color.”
- Bulworth
I went to high school in the 60′s and I did a paper on this for my English class. There was no such thing as PC then. Why, we even debated intelligence on nurture/environment vs. innate genetic traits. (Yes, this was in Ohio.)
The only “thorn” that I see with this proposal is that a few years ago there was a study done that proved genetically there is no difference between the Jewish and Arabs, and they will always hate one another for a “just because” reason. I believe the study was commissioned to prove the existence of the “Chosen”. I won’t tell you which “race” did not want this research published. And, what about the “one drop” rule that’s out there somewhere, or better yet “My little toe is part Cherokee”.
I have always felt that similar values and beliefs are what is important in having a wonderful relationship. And, don’t even think that you will change someone once you are married. We always stressed with our son that color should not be the determining factor in chosing a wife.
Much of life is just common sense and that cannot ever be legislated.
But, Steven, there is so much that has come to pass that used to be considered “science fiction”, that this, too, just might come to fruition. (pun intended) Although, none of us will live to see it.
Since Norbizness beat me to Strom (and did it better too), I’ll just mention that my dad, as a young college student in the fifties, proposed just such a scenario to my mormon grandparents up in Idaho as vividly retold by my aunt. Of course, my brother now labels him a f**king racist.
Fifty years later methinks this train has now left the station. Could do with a little more mainstream female black porn though, preferably of the Halle Berry type.
“This was in a science fiction novel from the 80s”
I remember a short story from about that time where an idealistic mad scientist released a virus that infected the entire human race–the effect was that human beings would only desire to mate with other human beings who didn’t look like them–people of the same skin color would cause them to react as if the incest taboo was involved. This created some problems, of course, but the punchline was near the end, when people started realizing that soon everyone was going to be a nice shade of beige, and that no one would be willing to sleep with anyone else. . .
Halle Barre’s already an example of this, isn’t she? I got dibs on Roshumba.
Re-Read the ‘ Lathe of Heaven’ – Similar objective achieved more sleepily.
You’re point about racism being a world-wide issue applies.
- Asia has more than it’s share of racism. Japan in particular has historically had serious issues…
- In college I hung out with the African community for a while, I particularly remember being surprised by one womans remark the ‘George’ (Surprise: That’s his real name) could ‘never be king’ – because he was too pale….
Overall you’re not proposing a bad idea, though *even* if it succeeded, I suspect, given human nature, other discrimination points would rise to offset the decline in racism issues.
- Religion probably being the leader,
- language
- class
- regionalism
- sinister left-handers
- IRS agents….
Well, I, for one, am outraged — OUTRAGED, I say — at this proposal. Do you have any idea of the absolute chaos this plan’s success would cause in corporate HR departments across the land? Do you realize how many HR specialists would be laid off, and forced to find other work? Do you…um…hmmm…oh.
Never mind.
Why didn’t they do this years ago…mixed race chicks are hot, but there’s not enough of them…now the supply will be endless.
Wooo! Asian wife here. Gorgeous mixed race daughter. Of course, you have to get by daddy’s big ol’ shotgun to meet her…
Works for me but could you pencil me in for Serena Williams?
Could work, but I think we’re going to have to start up a Halle Barry cloning program first.
Or I could just shoot the other two guys. Hmm… >:)
HR people, phooey! They’re too wimpish to hurt you. Now, affirmative action VPs at state universities. If any of them hear of your plan you can probably expect a visit from Judge Lynch later the same evening.
Great idea! Would Joaqin Cortez (the dancer who was with Naomi Campbell for some time) count for me? Or how about Dazel washington else? I’d give Whoopi Goldberg a try, too
Whoopi? Can’t quite get into the Ted Danson mode on that one.
Hmm, sounds good. Only problem: how are you going to get such a sensible plan past Congress et al?
Think, think, think…
Got it. Support Gephardt in ’04. Then we just convince him of the efficacy of our plan, and he’ll pass an Executive Order.
Yer all a bunch of lamebrains. It’ll never work. Diversity is the answer. I’ll ptove it… ever see un-homogenized milk? Cream rises to the top. Nice thick sweat cream. What’s left? Thin watery milk’s whats left. Ever see a jar of un-homogenized peanut butter? Oil comes to the top. Sweet nutrucious oil full of rich minerals and vitamins. Dry flat tasting peanut butter settles to the bottom. If we homogenize the races, what do we get? Dull, one taste people. Un-homogenized races allow the best of each race to come to the top. Hooray for Diversity!! So there! pthttt!
You are correct on at least two counts:
1. You shouldn’t change a word of it. It’s great rhetoric.
2. If you are warm in the hereafter, it may well be due to this post.
hahah
how fabulous
you got it down there big fella
i think that all senators should be required to have a sex change so that if they’re men which most of them are
they will understand women
and if they’re women
they will finally get some proper respect
i think that all gym teachers must be straight
but all television sports anchors must be gay (if they’re not already)
while we’re at it
can we make it mandatory for arab nations to keep kosher
and for right wing conservatives to
be forced to celebrate the reversal of sodomy laws
but taking one up the tushy
for america’s sake
woo hooo
What if you’re a guy and get stuck with a card saying something like “Mix of Inuit, Bulgarian, French Canadien, Huarani, Ibo, and Montagnard?” I mean, what are the chances that you’ll A) find the girl and B) she won’t be fugly?
Are we allowed to trade cards (could we Collect The Entire Set?)?
Would lying about your ancestry be grounds for divorce? “Honey, I didn’t know about my Salvadorean great-grandmother! We don’t have to tell the neighbors!”
And, of course, what about cohabitation and unwed pregnancies? We could have illegal unmiscegenated children running around, ruining things for the polychromatic elite!
I just voiced my thoughts on this issue over at my blog, here:
http://blog.ianhamet.com/archive/2003/06/20030628b.html
My sister was the first known member of our family to marry a non-Japanese, and it took my father decades to recover. Her children were all beautiful, inside and out, and our family was liberated from all charges of becoming too inbred. Her grandchildren are one-quarter Japanese, and I’m proud of them, too. I present them all as evidence that efforts to prevent the mingling of races are the same as giving Mother Nature the finger. Americans still have major hang-ups about blacks and whites marrying and having children, to the extent that nearly all the literature on intermarriage focuses exclusively on them.
I guess four different races would be off-limits to Tiger Woods.
I’ll sign up for Michelle Malkin.
I’ve got Denzel Washington! I know someone else wanted him, but I’m the first to spell his name correctly.
“a few years ago there was a study done that proved genetically there is no difference between the Jewish and Arabs, and they will always hate one another for a “just because” reason. I believe the study was commissioned to prove the existence of the “Chosen”. I won’t tell you which “race” did not want this research published.”
The Arabs? Because I read about it in several Jewish publications and we were all tickled pink to have genetic evidence that, yup, our ancestors are from that spot (although we already had lots of archeological evidence). Then there is the related story of the African Lemba tribe with the kohane gene, which was a TV special. All the Jews I know thought that was cool too.
I have never heard of any Jewish group wanting to suppress this story.
(The Guardian wrote an article on this story which spun it the way you said, including a Palestinian researcher who wanted to put something political about the intifada on his scientific research paper, and got all miffed when the journal referees told him no. Maybe that was the one you read? You should know better than to trust the Guardian or people who make up stories about massacres.)
You’re a little late. My cranky grandpa came up with this plan decades ago.
You folks have fun. Can we save all the redheads for me?
Only one problem here – when this experiment ends, there will be no more white people. All that will be left are people of indeterminate race.
No more blue eyes, blonde or red hair, no more pale skin. Everyone will be dark-skinned (varying shades of brown to black), with dark eyes and dark hair. How boring.
No thanks!!
Dee
You are wrong. It is not just brown marrying browb whatever the shade. It would be the most beautiful thing seen. All kinds of combinations. All shades and all combinations. It would be unbelievable.
Actually, blue eyes would be very possible, being a recessive gene…. as well as green eyes; remember those Mendelian genetics classes where two brown-eyed people could have a blue-eyed child?
I’ve got two cousins with a very pale, freckly, red-haired blue-eyed father and very dark-skinned, black-haired mother. They’ve got two different skin tones themselves, and one has green eyes.
I dunno, I just found this post kind of silly. I’m one of those whites who doesn’t consider herself racist, but doesn’t feel any attraction whatsoever to non-white men, except for, very occasionally, a particularly handsome Hispanic. I’ve dated out of my religion (Jewish), but never my race.
I really don’t care how other people date and marry. Different color, different religion, same sex, widely divergent ages — none of it is my business, nor should it be that of legislators. But I don’t care for the attitude that seems to be current these days of, “Hey! Interracial dating is way cool! Find someone who looks as different from you as possible! Dating people within your ethnic group/race is bo-o-o-o-ring!!”
However, it is sort of amusing that some people who would 20 years ago have been considered creeps with fetishes — “Yellow Fever,” “Jungle Fever,” etc. — now get to wear their predilections on their sleeves as badges of “sensitivity to ethnic diversity.” Sorry if that sounds crass or insulting to anyone, but I’ve met several black and Asian women who were sick of being sized up by every white man they met with the old “hot mama” or “me-so-horny” stereotypes.
First, Beyonce Knowles. Hah, all you Halle Berry suckers! (Of course I’ll accept any Destiny’s Child member:).
Anony-Miss: I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never heard anyone describe interracial dating in a faddish way. Less “I gotta get me a black woman”, it’s more “Halle Berry is HOT”. Certainly not “Interracial dating is cool”. I think humanity’s desire for sex is helping to erase racial prejudice. Our gonads will bring us together.
Great plan, VodkaPundit! Halfway there already– half-Portuguese half-Jewish woman married to Filipino guy. Kids 5 and 3 like little gingerbread men, they brown up nicely in the summer sun. Now all I have to do is find half-black half-Native American Mormon kids to marry my kids in about 20 years! Any takers?
Wouldn’t you know it? They just want to have sex with our women, but need a government mandate. Nice try loser-boy. Get yourself some social skills, de-punkify yourself and move out of your ghetto into mine. You’ll be surrounded by what you will learn to deal with. Then maybe.
Mandatory mixing is in the background of Anne McCaffrey’s otherwise forgotten novel Decision at Doona.