Racism doesn’t just plague America, it plagues the world.
I’m most concerned about it (the plague, that is, not race) here at home, because home is where I live. My own feelings are best summed up by comedian David Feldman, who said, “Racism is stupid when there are so many legitimate reasons to hate other people.”
And, yeah, that line is from the same guy who asked why it’s OK to have Dutch Boy™ brand latex paint but not a Jew Boy brand.
Anyway – I have a plan to end, once and for all, racism in the United States. It won’t work overnight, but the VodkaPundit Plan is certain to work over the course of a few generations.
The beauty of the VodkaPundit Plan is that it doesn’t require much new government spending, it doesn’t open businesses up to a new host of lawsuits, there are no new college admission standards, no expensive and pointless diversity sensitivity training classes, and no meddlesome Supreme Court to muck up the works.
The VodkaPundit Plan can be summarized in two words: Mandatory miscegenation.
After the passage of the VodkaPundit plan, marriage will no longer be left up to the whims of love struck fools, with all their sickening gooey talk and self-written wedding vows and eventual pain, recrimination, and expensive divorces. We’re going back to the old, tried-and-true way of arranged marriages – so the conservatives will be just as happy as the liberals are sure to be with the VodkaPundit Plan.
Marriage will be run like the military draft used to be. At the age of consent, you’ll be given a Federal lottery number. If, for instance, you’re white, your number will be drawn on your 18th birthday (13 in Arkansas) and you’ll be told whether you can marry another white person, or a person of color-other-than-pink. Color will be chosen by percentage. So you’ll have a 13 percent chance of having to marry a black or Latino, a 1 percent chance of having to marry a Jew, etc.
And the best part? You’ll be allowed to marry the person of you choice — that’s right: freedom will still ring. Just so long, of course, as they’re from the Federally-mandated part of the color wheel. And don’t panic, racist fiends: For now, your chances of getting to marry a white person are still slightly over 50 percent!
With each census every ten years, the proportions will be changed to reflect the new national figures for each race. Assuming normal fertility rates, the VodkaPundit Plan should result in the entire nation being the same tasty bronze color within a century or three.
Sure, there are problems such as dusky illegal immigrants who won’t draw lottery numbers, and we’re going to lose a lot of really funny jokes — but think of the progress we’ll make. For example, if white men still won’t be able to dance to syncopated rhythms, it’s because we won’t be around any more. Black guys will lose their stranglehold on the NBA, and — at long last — people other than Hispanics will finally be able to get decent Mexican food. A guy named Yamamoto stuck doing janitorial work? Under the VodkaPundit plan, it could happen!
The VodkaPundit Plan is also proven to work. American Jews have been marrying Goyim under a similar, self-imposed system for over fifty years, and already you can’t hardly tell them from regular white people anymore. There are probably even some on a TV show you already enjoy — it’s true.
Best of all, eventually we’ll have one less ridiculous reason to distrust, hate, and kill each other. And we won’t have to worry about some nasty lawsuit messing up my Plan. Just this week, the Supreme Court upheld a similar diversity requirement at the University of Michigan as a worthy “social good.”
To top things off, I present the VodkaPundit Plan to end sexual discrimination: From this day forward, everyone will be required to be gay at work. (Gym teachers, interior decorators, and wedding consultants exempted.)
Fashion classes start on Monday.