What Do We Do Now?

The opening monologue from my latest podcast:

Well, the excitement of the Republican primaries is over,  and it sort of feels like that day in January when the holidays end and you finally pack up the ornaments for another year and throw away the Christmas tree…  except instead of a Christmas tree, it’s democracy… and instead of another year, it’s more like a thousand years. Of darkness.

Now is the time for thoughtful people to look back over the last few months and ask themselves: What happened? Who can we blame for it? What punishment could possibly be horrible enough for them? And how would they look covered in lime?

Of course, I don’t want to seem to look down on or disrespect the berserk simian nincompoops who voted for Donald Trump. I don’t want to seem like one of those elite establishment types who get all mired in concepts like reality or constitutional governance or honesty or decency or civilized behavior. Or decency. Or any of the other brie cheese and chardonnay hoity-toity ideas that lift us above the level of reptiles.

Because Donald Trump is going to make America great again, if by America you mean DreamLand and by great you mean a crapfest. And if you don’t want to be left standing out in the cold with nothing to keep you company but your principles and your humanity (and maybe a nice glass of chardonnay), it’s time to come to terms with Trump’s nomination and decide on a response.

Here are a few options along with their pros and cons:

Option One – you could vote for Hillary Clinton, plunging America into a nightmare of political hackery and misguided leftist policy that will ravage our economy and send the world spiraling into chaos. Pro: It would give us a sense of seamless continuity with the last seven years.  Con:  The apocalypse, and her screechy voice.

Option Two – you could refuse to vote and let Hillary get elected by default.  Pro: You could sleep at night, knowing you weren’t to blame for the destruction of the country.  Con: You’d probably have to wake up sometime.

Option Three – You could set your misgivings aside and vote for Donald Trump. Pro: You would avert Hillary’s gutting of the Constitution and her catastrophic mishandling of world events.  Con:  You would usher in Trump’s gutting of the Constitution and catastrophic mishandling of world events.

Now, when I’m faced with tough choices like this, I have a little trick I like to use to help me make up my mind. First, I take three playing cards — say an ace, a king and a queen. And I set them on a table in a little pile. Then I douse them in lighter fluid and set them on fire. Then I press my face into the blaze until my flesh bursts into flame.

I still don’t know what to do but at least now I’ve been reduced to a smoldering pile of ash. So that’s actually an improvement.

For more commentary, you can listen to my podcast Monday through Thursday.