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7 Things to NEVER Say to a Full-Term Pregnant Woman

Unless you want to get punched in the face.

by
Megan Fox

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August 10, 2014 - 9:00 am
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As I sit here, 3 days shy of the due date of my third child, I have had time to reflect on all that really annoys me about this last stage of pregnancy. Chief among them is the stupid things people say. Yes, some of you people are people I love, but I’m allowed to be grouchy. Someone is literally sitting on my last nerve causing my right leg to be numb most of the time. There are lots of things you don’t say to pregnant women like “Hey, you’re not really eating for two!” or “You look tired,” but nothing rankles more than when in the last days of pregnancy people seem to lose their sensitivity controls. The following are things I’ve heard in the last week that make me want to high five someone… in the face.

7. “Enjoy this time. You’re going to miss it.”

I did enjoy this pregnancy and that ended about one month ago. The belly was fun, the cute maternity shirts were fun (back when they fit me). I enjoyed walking back then, I sort of remember what that was like to get out and stroll about without pain and constant fear of a jab to the cervix at an inopportune time that almost sends me to my knees weeping. But at about 8 months along all of that became a distant memory. There’s absolutely nothing I’m going to miss about being 40 weeks pregnant. Every fetal movement is painful and most of the time it’s excruciating; strangers look at me with their finger on the 911 button because I’ve just cried out in public and grabbed my extended belly and they think I’m in labor. Nope, not labor, just a future martial-arts expert kicking the crap out of my spleen.

But thanks for the concern.

I’m not going to miss having to pull myself into the car in three deliberate maneuvers trying not to aggravate the round ligament pain flare-ups. (If you don’t know what that is, just thank God and move on.) I will not miss the searing heartburn and acid reflux that no amount of antacid will quench and that wake me up literally gagging for air every hour every night. I will not miss the constant trips to the bathroom only to find out there’s nothing in my bladder, just someone on it. I will not miss dropping things I care about on the ground and leaving them there to avoid having to bend over to fetch them. Goodbye iPhone. That’s what insurance is for. I will not miss crying for no reason while chopping vegetables and having to explain to my children why Mommy is sobbing. “I DON’T KNOW, OK?? You people cry whenever you want, why can’t I?”

Please stop telling me I am going to miss this time. It makes me want to throw things at your head.

Top Rated Comments   
For men (particularly the one who, by this time, bears "full responsibility" for the situation), there is only two things to say - "Yes, dear." "No, dear."

The trick, of course, is determining which one at which time...
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
All Comments   (17)
All Comments   (17)
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When my X was totin' our second one, I had the not so bright idea of marketing a sling that allowed the fathers to carry around 40 pounds of wet sand in front of them. The thought being to increase sympathy and understanding on both sides. It was a non-starter.
7 weeks ago
7 weeks ago Link To Comment
What is PJM becoming? The Stir or whatever that womyn's touchy-feely place?
7 weeks ago
7 weeks ago Link To Comment
Yep.
7 weeks ago
7 weeks ago Link To Comment
I'd be a lot more sympathetic if this was your first child. If you've been through this before (twice), none of this should be remotely surprising. If you didn't want this experience again, you should have made more effort NOT to become pregnant again.

Something tells me, this comment is going to get added to the article as the EIGHTH thing never to say to a pregnant woman....

7 weeks ago
7 weeks ago Link To Comment
Here's the thing: that first baby was a breeze because the babyworks were factory-new. The second one was probably a little tougher, because the baby was likely bigger, and the muscles were probably just a wee bit less toned. Along comes the third one, and those ligaments that got stretched out with #2 baby are no longer holding the uterus up like they should, and those muscles that were not toned before are positively shot. It's not clear whether you're a male or female, but any woman who's carried more than two can identify with what Ms. Fox says. Growing a baby may be natural, but that doesn't mean it's not hell on the body.
7 weeks ago
7 weeks ago Link To Comment
Dang! I thought it was the other Megan Fox writing about being pregnant.
7 weeks ago
7 weeks ago Link To Comment
9) I'd like extra mayo on that sandwich you're making for me.
7 weeks ago
7 weeks ago Link To Comment
8) About those anger issues - you certainly sound like a man-hating feminist. What's up with that?
7 weeks ago
7 weeks ago Link To Comment
Can't hate them that much with 3 (2.9?) kids.
7 weeks ago
7 weeks ago Link To Comment
At T minus 5 weeks I got #7 an hour ago. Though I admit most of my friends know that while they may yet be able to outrun me I will eventually get them.

I hope s/he has already popped out with minimal pain and fuss.
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
My all-time favorite comment was, "Should you really be eating a cheeseburger with all that weight you've gained?"

Best wishes for a speedy delivery and a healthy newborn!
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
The correct answer is, "Of course! The baby needs protein! Don't you know anything about nutrition?"


Of course, if it's most medical people these days, it's safe to assume they do NOT.

10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
Actually it was my (now former) mother in law. Of course I told her it was doctor's orders!
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
Best thing to say? Nothing.

Say it 9 months before: "NOT WITHOUT A CONDOM!"

(or else just get a vasectomy and say "sure!")
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
You should have heard me gripe at the ones who kept telling me I should stop going to football games because ... baby. I was like why not? There is literally a hospital right across the street from the stadium. No doubt the deliver babies, and if I have to be this uncomfortable, I might as well be uncomfortable while enjoying myself, and if the game makes the baby come ... BONUS!
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
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