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Noah’s 5 Most Laugh-Out-Loud Qualities

Director Darren Aronofsky piles up the absurdities in his Lord of the Rings version of the Bible.

by
John Boot

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March 28, 2014 - 1:00 pm
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In the beginning, there was a void. Not a single major full-length Hollywood film had ever told the story of Noah and the Ark. Into the void stepped a man with an ego as big as the Cosmos: Darren Aronofsky, the auteur behind films like Requiem for a Dream and Black Swan. What Aronofsky did with Noah, though, might be called an epic fail.

Here are the five most laughable aspects of the strange $150 million would-be blockbuster.

1. The surprisingly helpful giant rock monsters.

Yes, you read that right. The key to Noah getting the Ark built is the aid of servant angels called “Watchers.” These celestial beings have been punished by God by being turned into 40-foot monsters made of boulders — fantastical creatures seemingly straight out of The Lord of the Rings — but redeem themselves by helping Noah build the Ark. (You can kill them, by the way, and when they die they ascend gratefully to heaven in a beam of light.) No one in the movie, in which Russell Crowe plays Noah, Jennifer Connelly plays his wife and Emma Watson plays a stray girl named Ila who gets adopted into Noah’s family, seems to think it the least bit unusual that these magical beings spring up to fulfill a prophecy, given to Noah in a dream, of the world destroyed by water to wipe it clean of human wickedness.

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Top Rated Comments   
"There's a reason the left thinks...."

Any sentence with that initial premise is going to collapse under its own featherweight remainder.

The left doesn't think, it emotes. Marching in lockstep, brain dead, cult devotion...it has no need to think. The cult followers simply wait for the pronouncement of what they SHOULD think, then they all follow the Pied Crackpiper.

The mere fact that some troll can come here and say without hesitation or reservation "this is what ALL leftists "think", shines the brightest spotlight on Loserville where they ALL reside.

They titter like little schoolgirls when non-leftists get into a verbal brawl over the hot topics of the day...not realizing that it is precisely that vibrant, robust, and yes, sometimes heated interchange...that separates the "thinking" crowd from the little baby birds who must be spoonfed their opinions from their radical leftist masters.

The sissified Pajama Boys and their Nanzi Castrati dominatrixies haven't had an original thought in over 40 years.

Hollywood can't make a movie about God or truth. They are both strangers to the radical left.

"Thinking" is a participation sport...and not for the permanent spectators of the seditious slime farm. Their idea of thinking about something is to build a model that doesn't work, jam it down the throats of their idiot base, declare it "settled", get their Propaganda Machine to tell lies about how well it is working and then make excuses for why it is a cosmic joke of a failure.

Dorm room BS, devoid of substance or clarity...is the hallmark of leftist expression. It sounds good to the stoners. And the Lockstep Losers who repeat it as if it is Gospel. Oh, right...they don't like the Gospel.

As if it is The Manifesto.
(show less)
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
Harry Potter meets Waterworld.

The atheist's Bible has 2014 Pajama Boy delicate sensibilities and PC values.

There is no God, just the Universe. And magic.

Magical thinking is a nice escape for many people. For the Obama cabal it's a foreign policy and an economic platform.

Erasing God out of the Bible, because he doesn't fit the narrative...now explains clearly where our educational system is on every other subject.

The good news is, we finally get to see the first radical leftist claim of Climate Change disasters being the fault of mankind. They spent several thousand years thereafter trying to hide the decline.
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
So Beck had it right, Babylonian chainsaw massacre. With Lord of the Rings mixed in.
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
All Comments   (48)
All Comments   (48)
Sort: Newest Oldest Top Rated
There is a lot of brouhaha about this movie. It's a film. It's not anything else..
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
First it is a movie. Second never get your history or faith truths from a movie. The Bible is a book that was written about events that happened many years if not centuries before the written word was needed. I choose to believe that though it was written by men, who can be wrong on many occasions, that it is basically a fair description of what might have happened. Also remember that the people of that time, 8,000 or so years ago, would not have known about Mt. Everest, or oceans, land masses, or even other areas in the distance from their homes. They didn't travel like we do now. The world came to you for the most part and you took what was told to you with either acceptance or disbelief. My take anyway.
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
Hilarious! Sounds like the writer is in to Sethian Gnosticism! They took those elements of the Sethian version of the story of Noah and heavily emphasized those aspects that woud appeal to the Green fanatics.

And "I'm very sorry about that?" Too funny!
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
I'm waiting for Noah II: The Global Warming Flood.
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
first of all, aronofsky is an atheist. Consulting the Book of Enoch, we find that the Watchers were the fallen angels that procreated with earthly women bringing forth the hybrid giants called the Nephillim. you know, Goliath, etc.

they were not friends of Noah...
"God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways."
Genesis 6:12
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
I'll watch it when it comes out on Netflix and am in the mood for a good laugh.
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
Bottom line? The piece of garbage is gonna make a slew of money.
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
Eh, Conservatives are pissed that Hollywood doesn't make movies for conservatives and Christians.

Now that Hollywood has made such a movie, conservatives and Christians are pissed because Hollywood made a movie for conservatives and Christians.

There's a reason the left thinks that you are haters, folks. The next time you wonder why our nation is such a mess, you might wanna look in the mirror...and then stop blaming everything on the other guy. (When you start walking on water and dividing fishes and loaves, get back to me on your own perfection, will ya?)
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
Conservatives aren't pissed about Hollywood's movies.

Conservatives don't understand all the Hollywood $ contributions to America haters.

This $ comes from making billions on their product. But because of their bought and paid for political whores, libtards and rinos, Hollywood doesn't pay any taxes on the money.

Good movies make good money, there just aren't any taxes paid on that money.
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
"There's a reason the left thinks...."

Any sentence with that initial premise is going to collapse under its own featherweight remainder.

The left doesn't think, it emotes. Marching in lockstep, brain dead, cult devotion...it has no need to think. The cult followers simply wait for the pronouncement of what they SHOULD think, then they all follow the Pied Crackpiper.

The mere fact that some troll can come here and say without hesitation or reservation "this is what ALL leftists "think", shines the brightest spotlight on Loserville where they ALL reside.

They titter like little schoolgirls when non-leftists get into a verbal brawl over the hot topics of the day...not realizing that it is precisely that vibrant, robust, and yes, sometimes heated interchange...that separates the "thinking" crowd from the little baby birds who must be spoonfed their opinions from their radical leftist masters.

The sissified Pajama Boys and their Nanzi Castrati dominatrixies haven't had an original thought in over 40 years.

Hollywood can't make a movie about God or truth. They are both strangers to the radical left.

"Thinking" is a participation sport...and not for the permanent spectators of the seditious slime farm. Their idea of thinking about something is to build a model that doesn't work, jam it down the throats of their idiot base, declare it "settled", get their Propaganda Machine to tell lies about how well it is working and then make excuses for why it is a cosmic joke of a failure.

Dorm room BS, devoid of substance or clarity...is the hallmark of leftist expression. It sounds good to the stoners. And the Lockstep Losers who repeat it as if it is Gospel. Oh, right...they don't like the Gospel.

As if it is The Manifesto.
(show less)
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
Okey-dokey.
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
Did you even read what John Boot wrote? This is not a movie about the truth. It's a pack of enviro-nazi codswallop. Here's what the director Darren Aronofsky thinks about his source:

“Noah is the least biblical biblical film ever made,” Aronofsky is quoted as saying. “I don’t give a f^ck about the test scores! My films are outside the scores. Ten men in a room trying to come up with their favourite ice cream are going to agree on vanilla. I’m the rocky road guy.”

http://pjmedia.com/tatler/2014/03/11/uh-oh-another-movie-is-causing-problems-across-the-islamic-world/
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
A movie made for conservatives and Christians would not have taken liberties with the Biblical text. No rock giants, no firearms, nothing explodes. Just a miraculous survival of the human race and animals who aren't fish. So, why throw in those distinctly un-Biblical episodes? To please people who aren't conservatives or Christians. They're the ones for whom this movie was really made.
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
Now Warren, you aren't being a little judgemental? I'm surprised at you. But keep it up. We all need a bit of chastising from time to time by someone who loves all mankind.

I am tempted to think, though I haven't seen the film, that whoever advertised this film as being true to the letter and spirit of the original story is quite wrong.
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
JRR Tolkien was a Christian. He would have hated this movie, too.
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
Hmmm. My memory must be failing me. I thought I remember the producers saying they wre making a movie that is very faithful to the book.

I must be mistaken......




38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
Their God, also said

"If you like your health plan, you can keep it PERIOD"
38 weeks ago
38 weeks ago Link To Comment
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