THE TROUBLE WITH BAILOUTS: Everybody wants one. “But the news business is special. Without us, you wouldn’t know anything. Besides, it provides millions of low-paying, insecure jobs to overeducated yuppies who are going to move back home, into your basement, if you don’t do something, quick. And the news business is the other industry that can, all by itself, send the real economy into a tailspin. You think you’re worried about a depression now? We could make you really depressed. I’m not threatening, or anything; I’m just saying, it’s a nice country you’ve got here. It would be a real shame if someone convinced consumers to stop buying Blu-Ray players and shift their savings into canned guns and ammunition.”

Canned guns? I’d like one of those. They keep better, I hear . . . .