IT’S COME TO THIS: Young Chinese are ‘too fat and masturbate too much to pass army fitness tests.’

A rising number of young Chinese people are failing fitness tests required to join the army because they are too fat and masturbate too much, state media has proclaimed.

The high rejection rate has triggered concerns that there are not enough youths in good physical condition to fill the ranks of the Chinese army.

A poor diet and frequent masturbation, leading to abnormally large testicular veins, are believed to be behind falling fitness levels, according to a report published in state-run military newspaper the People’s Liberation Army Daily.

Authorities also think the constant use of smartphones and drinking water with too high a mineral content are to blame.

In one city, 56.9 per cent of potential recruits were rejected after failing fitness tests. One in five was simply deemed too fat.

See, before the hungry new powers can challenge us, we’ve already brought them down to our level.

Well, maybe not all the way down: Help! My Boyfriend Cried All Week Because He Was Afraid of the Eclipse.