COME ON. TAKE A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE. I’m Sooo Bored of Being Gay.

All the best sex – in fact, all the best things in life – are transgressive and naughty. But there’s a problem when forbidden fruits go mainstream. When you teach yourself to be excited solely by transgressive acts, and end up only really happy when you’re breaking rules or upsetting someone, you’re at the mercy of changing fashions. . . .

So I find myself in the perplexing position of asking: what’s next? Casting my eye around modern Britain, in the last few months I’ve been on the look-out for the most marginalised, ridiculed and socially ostracised slice of the population. And I think I’ve nailed it: it’s time for me to become a straight white male.

Party like it’s 1969.