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Dr. Helen

The Soul Mate Myth: There is No One

October 8th, 2013 - 5:40 am

Rollo Tomassi’s new book The Rational Male is very detailed with tiny print making it hard to read more than a chapter at a time. He really needs an index but that said, the information he lays out is informative and necessary for men to know as they enter the dating world or even if they have been in it for years. I was reading over Chapter I on “The Soul Mate Myth” and his thoughts on society’s obsession with it make sense. He defines ONEitis as:

“An unhealthy romantic obsession with a single person. Usually accompanied by unreciprocated affection and completely unrealistic idealization of the said person.”

Tomassi writes about how ONEitis can paralyze you and even lead to depression or suicide (thanks to commenter rayc2 for pointing out this link). If we believe that there is only one person out there for us, then it makes sense that to lose that person is upsetting to some and can be devastating to others, especially to a someone with emotional problems such as depression or a personality disorder. It is important to have some perspective. As Tomassi states: “The definition of Power in not financial success, status or influence over others, bu the degree to which we have control over our own lives. Subscribing to the soul-mate mythology necessitates that we recognize powerlessness in this arena of our lives.”

Not bad advice.

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Top Rated Comments   
A great many years ago me and my wife met and wed. She believes completely that her father, who died shortly before we met, set up our meeting and that we are soul mates. This means a lot to my wife and gives her great comfort. Why do people feel the need to try and take this away from people? Sometimes, can't we just be allowed to be happy in our innocent delusions?
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
Judging from what I've seen on Shrink4Men, a lot of men these days have been taught that they must accept any woman who will have them, and that if they don't they won't get another chance. I myself was taught this, and it led to a terrible marriage that I was lucky to get out of without any permanant damage. If I could pass along one message to men, it would be this: "You can be choosy. Date around. Get to know some different women and take your time. You don't have to accept a personality-disordered woman just because she throws herself at you."
42 weeks ago
42 weeks ago Link To Comment
I hate to be crass about it (well, not really), but ...

... a whole lot of women (and some men) would have to get a job if their partner didn't suffer from ONEitis in one form or another. The armies of women watching Dr. Phil and The View etc. are able to sponge because their husbands are dedicated to them.

That won't be going away any time soon, though.
42 weeks ago
42 weeks ago Link To Comment
All Comments   (41)
All Comments   (41)
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Well, Palto, I don't make stuff up. 50% of marriages end in divorce within five years. That is a statistical fact.

As far as the law goes, I don't make stuff up about that either. The law is the law, whether you like it or not. The marriage contract is exploitative of men and the court system is discriminatory against men. Only a fool does not realize this.

I don't have a problem. But apparently you do. It's with reading comprehension. Or maybe it's attention deficit disorder.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
90% of marriages clearly don't end in 20 years. But I'm not going to go around in circles with you. You continually and grossly misstate statistics and the law.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
Palto, he may have got the 90% statistic from the video at the link:
http://therationalmale.com/2012/10/22/casualties/
Which states that 90% of returning Iraq vets were divorced after 5 years. He may have misstated that statistic, but it doesn't negate everything else he said.

41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
I agree with the bigger picture that marriage today is a bad bet for men.

But I have watched GawainsGhost misstate law and statistics here over months, and he just goes into weasel mode when anyone points something out. He's not talking about 90% of returning Iraq vets here, by the way, and I have no idea why you want to defend his crap. You don't seem to be a sock puppet of him.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
I'm not defending him. I thought he was just being sloppy by not specifying that the stats he cited were (somewhat) accurate for Iraq vets, although not for the general population obviously. Most of us are just ordinary average people with no more qualifications than our own opinion, but I definitely agree that we should do due diligence on the stats we use lest that point of contention results in the baby being thrown out with the bath water.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
You missed the point, Cleetus. The point is if you believe there is only one person in the world for you, then if that does not work out, you can become a physical wreck. What Tomassi is suggesting is that there is more than one potential "soul mate" out there. There is no conflict between "more than one" and you are your wife's soul mate.

More people will be helped by understanding their are multiple opportunities than those who no longer believe in their delusion.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
But what's the evidence that there IS more than one? What's the evidence that thinking there is only one is a delusion?

Tomassi is making statements that may apply to his own individual case. I don't see how they therefore apply to every single other person.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
The only rational male is the one advocating changing the law or refusing to abide by it.

Let's get serious here. All these self help books do is tell you how to navigate treacherous waters. Why get into treacherous waters to begin with?

That is the question at issue. Since the marriage contract is completely unacceptable, to a man, why enter into it?

Divorce is expensive. It's very expensive. 50% of marriages end in divorce within five years. After 10, 15, 20 years, you're looking at 90%. And why is that? It couldn't possibly be because the contract and the court have made divorce profitable for women, could it?

The sacrament, which is pure, and beautiful and true, is one thing. The contract, which is exploitative of men, and the court system, which is discrimantory against men, is quite another.

For those of you who have found your "true love," congratulations. You're maybe 1 out of 5. For those of you who found out that you're paying for some other man's bastard, congratulations. You're 1 out of 3.

Love is an emotion that lasts, what, six months. Everything after that is work.

Soul mates are a myth. If you are fortunate enough to meet someone who believes in the sacrament, you are blessed. That doesn't meen that if you marry her, you're not exposing yourself to betrayal, abandoment and bankruptcy. It's in the contract.

The only thing for a rational male to do is to ignore the modern American girl completely. Yeah, sure, take her out, buy her dinner and drinks, take her to a hotel, if she wants to have sex, but otherwise ignore her. Under no circumstances marry her. That would be setting yourself up for a fall, and an expensive one at that.

Believing in the sacrament is not the same as agreeing to the contract. The former is the path to heaven, but the latter is the road to perdition.

Nothing matters until the law is changed. All of this talk, blah, blah, blah, means nothing. This culture, the media, the education system, the court system all revolve around the law, which is decidedly anti-male.

Odd that the law and the contract were written by males. It is not odd that females have no problem with it. Of course not, it gives them POWER.

So think what you want, believe what you want, but until you start advocating changing the law, you're just pissing in the wind.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
"50% of marriages end in divorce within five years. After 10, 15, 20 years, you're looking at 90%."
-----------

I'm not in favor of marriage myself, I have never personally gotten married and I have seen some friends really go through unfair hell in family court.

Having said that, using false statistics is just as moronic on "this side" as when feminists do it. You seem to continually misstate the statistics and the law. I really don't know what your problem is, but you are not convincing when you just make up stuff.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
Essentially, we have a two-front war: 1. Convince as many men as possible to avoid marriage. 2. Work to change the law for the men who were stupid enough to marry. The 2nd front isn't even going to be possible until the 1st front has progressed far enough to decimate civil society.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
I would agree that obsessing over an unrequited love is unhealthy.

That doesn't mean that soul mates don't exist. I've known and been married to the same wonderful woman for more than 30 years. To this day I am amazed at how smart, pretty, brave and capable she is...and why, out of millions of other (probably better men), she chose me. The hand of God, I'd say.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
"The hand of God, I'd say."

That's putting credit where credit is due -- impossible for most of the "soulmate" crowd, who (in my estimation) are engaged in simple other-worship. As Chesterton summed it, "For when we cease to worship God, we do not worship nothing, we worship anything."

From what you've written, it sounds like you don't regard your wife as your savior. That's healthy and it doesn't put undue burdens on her.

The danger for soulmate enthusiasts is treating another person like a god. Disappointment always follows.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
> As Chesterton summed it, "For when we cease to worship
> God, we do not worship nothing, we worship anything."

Xtians have about the biggest case of ONE-itis on the planet.

I'm just saying.
40 weeks ago
40 weeks ago Link To Comment
L.A. Confidential anyone?
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
at 17, we met
at 21, we married
at 51, we are content with our children and our love of each other.

the important thing is to commit to someone capable of commitment.
and to be capable yourself.

thousands were possible, one was chosen.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
"thousands were possible, one was chosen."

Then the one kicked your worthless ass to the curb and took everything you had ~ Johnny Cash


Just kidding....that wasn't really a Johnny Cash song, but it should have been.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
ONEitis. that would mean inflammation of the one.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
Which is usually what happens, unfortunately.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
There can only be one if there is a God (of a certain perverse sort).
A small percentage of best possible fits, and a larger percentage
of workable matches, yes. Then there are those who lie, to others or
themselves, and even that can work well enough if they are well off.
Experience is the best guide; Living with, even working with a woman
for a year is enough to establish compatibility; Why buy a book ?

41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
But, it can happen, Love at First Sight, it's a proven phenomena, common throughout history.

As a wise woman once said, "Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100."

You do your thing, I'll do my thing,
Holy Mama - I love you forever

Darwin rules.

It's all the DNA, we are just Chariots of DNA.

The science is settled.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
Most people change as they age and go through various life experiences.
A number of years I met a young lady who seemed perfect in every way, and we both felt like we'd found our soul-mates. We got married and were together for a long time, then she died. I never thought I'd find anyone who could take her place.
I started dating again and have met a woman my age who is different from my wife in many ways, and no, she does not take the place of my late wife - she is her own special person. But I feel like I have found a new soul mate.
I would say there is no 'one', rather there are many potential 'Ones', and each, at the right time, could turn out to be 'The One' to be with.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
My story is almost identical to yours, except that I've been married to wife #2 for 14 years now. I have come to the same conclusion. There is no singular "One". There are many potential "Ones".
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
So, perhaps we could say it this way: "Ones" are made, not born.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
...and twos are need based.
41 weeks ago
41 weeks ago Link To Comment
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