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Dr. Helen

Newsflash: Men Who Do Housework Get Less Sex

March 29th, 2013 - 6:47 am

Christina Hoff Sommers: Guys Who Do Housework Get Less Sex:

It may be gratifying for women to see their husbands loading the dishwasher or folding laundry, but is it sexy? Yes, according to many media stories. “Men: Want More Sex? Do the Laundry” was headline of a 2009 report from CBS News. According to Naomi Wolf, “research has shown that the most erotic thing a man can do for a woman is the dishes.” Sheryl Sandberg, the author of Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, agrees. “Nothing is sexier” she says, than a man who wants to do his share of the housework. “It may be counterintuitive,” writes Sandberg, “but the best way for a man to make a pass at his wife is to do the dishes.” Sandberg urges readers to check out a “fabulous little book” called Porn for Women produced by the Cambridge Women’s Pornography Cooperative. It is full of images of hunky guys vacuuming, dusting, and cleaning the kitty litter.

But now a new study in the American Sociological Review casts doubt on the truth of this happy feminist idyll.

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All Comments   (23)
All Comments   (23)
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So-called feminists prefer men with money, just as so-called pre-feminists preferred men with money. Men with money hire housekeepers, train them to do a better job than most of their housewife-customers (because most housewives who refuse to do housework while their husbands venture forth to wrestle with mammon really don't care if the floor is clean or not), check the box, and get on with living life.

Also, in a grievance-driven marriage, when the wife demands that the husband does housework, she's really thinking to herself, "He'll never jump over that bar and so I'll have one more grievance to deploy." In my case, I said to my ex-wife, "Fine, give me the list." Typically I was at the office from 7-7, or later, collecting money and capital in order to sustain our two homes private educations, retirement bliss, etc. So at the end of our marriage I was getting up at 3 a.m. to write -- (I didn't finish my book -- oops, I did finish the book), running at 5 a.m. in the dark (I wasn't running enough or something -- oops, I was now running 30 miles a week), and completing half of the household chores in a daily 30 minute sprint at 6 a.m. (oops, I think I just demonstrated that a housewife doesn't have that much work to do). Oh, and I did 100% of the cooking on the weekends, stopped flying my plane, baked bread and froze it for the week. For some odd reason we still had a screwed up marriage, so in order to end it she had an affair, and -- when I let it pass -- then accused me of being mentally ill and a drunk. (Ooops, it's really hard to find the time to be mentally ill and a drunk when you are working 14 hours a day and scrubbing toilets at 6 a.m.)

In short, if a woman of leisure is kvetching about the housework, she's unhappy with herself and her world, of which the man, alas, is the complete cause. If a woman is a professional and kvetching about the housework, then both parties are idiotic not to hire out the cleaning.

Now, as a single guy, I can tell I have a short-term relationship when the woman complains that my house is too clean, or that I go to too much trouble in cooking for her. Oh well. I did manual labor as a kid, and I cleaned toilets as a ceo. Now I don't do either.

In general, interesting women who have their sh** together are too busy to waste time with housework checklists and housework-contribution trials. Happy people of both sexes solve problems, rather than celebrate problems that make them feel superior to their intimates. There are a lot of extremely unhappy women out there who thought that by subscribing to an haut-bourgeois ideology of male-diminishment they would become happier humans. Turns out that being unpleasant to others reflects a contempt for oneself. Gee, who knew?
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Don't think "evolved" women still don't expect the man to be the breadwinner? Check out their profiles on any online dating service. They're totally fine, in the main, admitting that they will "tell you later" how much they make -- but specify "$150,000 plus" as the minimum salary level they expect in a romantic partner. Boys, stay away from those girls.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
It is too bad I could not read through the full transcript from the American Sociological Review in order to write the most educated response.
My first reaction is to wonder if they looked for correlation or causation. So many studies look for correlation, and make NO effort to prove any causation.
For instance, if those marriages are between two overworked, exhausted people, who make the agreement to share the housework, then collapse into bed... What do you think the cause of their reduced sex life is?
--That the man shares the housework? Or that they are overworked?
Statistics don't lie, but liars use statistics. (In reality, people don't even know they are "lying" when they look to create a study, they are overwhelmed by defining their own hypotheses, they are giddy when they "prove" their hypotheses, and sometimes they aren't challenged by a good peer.)
...Having had my share of hypotheses challenged, thankfully...
I don't know what the answer is here, but I don't know if they have adequately got to causation either. So I'm throwing it out there...
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
A differing viewpoint (surprisingly, by a blogger who is usually on the PUA or evolutionary psychology side of things):

http://glpiggy.net/2013/03/28/sex-and-dishes/
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
I'm a so-called "misogynist" MRA type.
I built the house we live in.
That was enough "housework" for a lifetime; however, my "see a need, fulfill the need' way of thinking often has me doing some housework.

I don't beg for sex by doing it.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
"I don't beg for sex by doing it. "

Money phrase!

Do not negotiate for sex with your woman. She's not a wh*re whose services you can buy. You get sex from her now the same way you diid in the first place; You pursue her for it; You conquer her; You make her want sex with you by seducing her. There is nothing sexy about housework. Feminist BS.

However, there is something sexy for women about a man who fixes her car, or fixes the toilet or other plumbing, or fixes the roof. Still, it has to be accompanied by the pursuit of her for sex. Women like to feel sexy, desirable, still vital enough to attract a man. You can't be after sex. You have to be after her for sex!
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Sounds pretty exhausting.

If she doesn't want to have sex with you, why the hell are you with her?

Your advice is great for manginas and friend-zone people, Marc Malone, but please spare the rest of us.

Any sap who is paying for some sit-at-home and she doesn't even like him enough to WANT to have sex with him without all the pursuit is living at chump central.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Exhausting? Working on projects is fun. It can be tiring, but it is interesting and rewarding. It also has the side-benefit of being attractive to women.

No one said the woman does not want to have sex with her husband, but women like to feel sexy and vital. When you pursue them, remind them that you still find them sexy, as opposed to just a source for sex, it makes them happy. It is also fun to do. It is not at all exhausting. You just sound lazy.

"Your advice is great for manginas and friend-zone people, Marc Malone, but please spare the rest of us."

This was needlessly ad hominem; offensive. You offered no explanation for it, no reasoning. Just petty.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Men should learn the least effective way to make a woman happy is to do what she says. Women rail against the charge that they are not making rational decisions, but their actions prove how true it is. They say what they should say and do what what they do. Never confuse one for the other.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
I've been cooking since I was 8. Yeah, third grade, I came home and there was nobody there. Hello, hungry boy here. So I made a plate. I learned that from my grandmother. My mother used to always take me over to her house and hand me off so she could watch her show, the Secret Storm.

My grandmother would sit me on the counter while she cooked. And my grandmother could really cook. I just sat there on the counter and watched, but I learned by smell. A plate is a protein--beef, pork, chichen, fish--a carbohydrate--potato, corn, beans, rice--and a yellow vegetable--corn, carrots--and a green vegetable--broccoli, spinach, green beans. Seasoning is important, of course, but cooking is all about food preparation, flavor combination, and heat control.

My mother came home and asked what I was eating. "A plate." She took one bite and never cooked again. I cooked breakfast and dinner for my entire family, six people, all the way through high school, until I went away for college. And when I came home for vacation, they would all be sitting there with this starving look in their eyes.

I've cooked, I've shopped for groceries, I've cleaned, I've washed clothes all of my life. Does that make me a metrosexual? I don't think so. It makes me a man.

The problem that women, particularly feminists, have is this misperception of what it means to be a woman or a man.

Hey, I only eat what I cook, and I'm a very good cook. I've never met a woman who could cook better than me, and I'm going back over 40 years. Except my grandmother of course.

I buy my own groceries, I cook my own food, I clean my own mess, I wash my own clothes. I'm a man, and what I do is survive.

Try telling that to the modern American girl. "I know what you want," she says. What, a servant? A maid? A concubine? She just doesn't get it.

The last time I allowed a woman to cook for me was in 1982. I had invited her to my apartment and prepared dinner for her, and she thought that she had to return the favor. She invited me to her apartment and prepared dinner for me. I almost threw up and was sick to my stomach for days.

What does the modern American girl not understand? That I don't need for her to take care of me. I can take care of myself, and I can take care of her if she'd let me, but she won't. So there's not much of a relationship there.

Oh, she wants to come live with me. For what, food and sex and clean clothes? Forget about it.

She can't cook. She doesn't want to clean, much less wash clothes. She can't even shop for groceries. She just wants to be catered to. So she is effectively worthless.

She wants to be independent, fine. Let her buy or rent her own home, let her buy her own groceries, let her cook her own food, let her clean up her own mess, let her wash her own clothes. I do all of that every day on my own.

And now she doesn't like it. Of course not, she wants some chivaralic idiot to cater to her. And what does she have to offer me, sex for servitude? I don't think so.

I can survive perfectly well on my own, thank you very much. I happen to be a millionaire. She wants to come live with me, fine. I like sex. But she will respect my authority and abide by my decisions, or I'll throw her out on the street.

I shop for groceries, I cook, I clean, I wash clothes, I do all this because it's necessary for survival. I don't need a woman to help me, especially some conceited feminist who's only going to complain about everything I do, which would be providing for her.

This whole argument is ridiculous. Either men can live on their own or not. Either women can live on their own or not.

But if men and women want to live together, let's just stop all the bickering and change the marriage contract.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
People who kvetch about having to "cook and clean" have yet to explain how single professionals can handle ALL the tasks of homemaking & hold down jobs that often require 60+ hours a week of commitment without throwing a hissy.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Not kvetching, but explaining that it's easy when you are the only one making a mess. Throw a spouse and kids into the mix and it's a different animal entirely.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
The above article aside, you can have two professionals who both take care of their own mess and, after the kids are in school, can also give the kid a few responsibilities and pick up the rest. That was the model of my parents, and my mother was not overwhelmed in your "different animal entirely".

We also have marvelous inventions today that ease the housework vis-a-vis a hundred years ago.

Now if you want to marry a high-earning guy and sit at home, then maybe you BETTER be doing all the housework. It ain't that hard honey, and otherwise you would be getting a complete free ride.

Apparently, according to this one study (I'm sure correlations are going to be examined, LOL), marrying a high-earning guy makes your vag tingle, so at least pick up around the house.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Who's overwhelmed? Certainly not me, and I work full-time. My kids pull their weight and I got rid of the adult male because he was a bully. Certainly cut my laundry and cooking time in half.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Many guys want less sex...and many do chores in support of running the family.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
As a happy househusband, I would say the actual truth is "Men who are SEEN doing housework get less sex."

Consider this scenario: it is a weekend afternoon and your wife is exhausted and takes a nap; when she wakes up the kitchen is much cleaner. That's not servile, it is magic!

But people innately disrespect seeing someone do servile behavior, and a loss of respect is a loss of sexiness.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
More men are realizing that believing Feminism is akin to spraying woman repellant on yourself. More women are realizing that the "modern feminized man" isn't what they want at all.

Even Feminists have acknowledged they are not attracted to feminist men, but they rationalize it as "he is using feminism to manipulate me, not because he is a 'real feminist.'"

Ultimately men should be who they want to be whether or not it appeals to women, but attracting women is a major motivator and the reality on the ground in the sexual marketplace is getting harder and harder for Feminists to cover up.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
If woman is doing dishes, she is not (let us assume) having sex. And if man is doing dishes, he is not having sex. If neither is doing dishes and both are having sex, there are more cockroaches. Optimality seems to involve getting the dishes done soonest.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
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