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Roger L. Simon

I Was an Israeli Spy

May 11th, 2014 - 11:09 pm

roger_simon_israeli_spy_5-11-14-1

In case you missed it, Newsweek has attempted to take itself off life support the last few days by publishing two articles alleging Israel has engaged in “rampant” spying on the United States.  This is a grave matter with drastic international consequences that has touched my conscience deeply.

So I can hide it no longer. I have a confession to make:  I was an Israeli spy.

Now some would say that the U.S. is spying on practically everyone from Angela Merkel to your mother-in-law,  so what’s the big deal?  But I wouldn’t know about that.  I’m not Edward Snowden.  And others would say that almost everybody spies on everybody else — at least if they can do it.  But again.  I wouldn’t know.  That’s not my expertise.  As I said, I was an Israeli spy.

But to clear the record, and perhaps to avoid a lifetime in prison, allow me to reveal some of the important information I passed on to my handlers in Tel Aviv.  (See: I know Mossad headquarters are in Tel Aviv, not Jerusalem.  You have to believe me.)

1. That the United States has a secretary of State who thinks Israel will become an “apartheid state” even though Arabs have vastly more civil rights in Israel than they have in any Arab country.  Go figure.

2. That former UN ambassador Susan Rice was not telling the truth when she said the Benghazi incident was caused by a video.  They asked me then why was she promoted to national security adviser.  I said I didn’t know. (Actually, I think it’s to shut her up.)

3. I told them many Americans were worried they wouldn’t be able to keep their doctors.  They told me they had plenty of doctors and started in with a lot of Jewish jokes that I had heard already.

4.  I assured them that Hillary Clinton’s kissing Suha Arafat was not a homosexual act.  It was an act of friendship and admiration.  And that Anthony Weiner displaying his private parts on Twitter was not a reflection on all American Jews.  Mel Brooks never did that.

5. Finally I told them to be especially careful about the American negotiation with Iran because Obama had failed at everything and would make a deal with the mullahs at any cost to save his reputation.

On this last one, they fired me.  Tell us something we don’t know, they said with disdain and promptly confiscated my six passports.

So it goes.  I told you I was an Israel spy — just as Newsweek was, once, a news magazine.

(Artwork created using multiple Shutterstock.com images.)

Top Rated Comments   
Delete the post, Roger. Holder has opened a file.
11 weeks ago
11 weeks ago Link To Comment
Maybe, you can get on with MI-6. You could keep them up to date on people over here who are quoting Churchill.
11 weeks ago
11 weeks ago Link To Comment
Sounds like the makings of a good Mickey Spillane novel..."My Gun is Kosher"
11 weeks ago
11 weeks ago Link To Comment
All Comments   (58)
All Comments   (58)
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10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
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10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
Roger:

I am shaken by your confession.

But not stirred to do anything about it.
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
It's so easy being a spy these days. Just say you're a minority victim )or "moderate" muslim) and you get an inside access pass to the nations most secret secrets (Making them not so secret).
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
I dunno. I think you can make a much better case for ever having been an Israeli spy than Newsweek can of ever having been a news magazine.
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
I think I remember a magazine that John Lennon referred to as Newsweak.
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
Mossad could fit inside the NSA building in Utah.

Israel is fighting for its life.
The Usurped Federal Gov is fighting to maintain its Empire.
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
Firing a gun in such a position means punchng yourself in the face with it because you are not ready for the gun's kick, and, depending on the model, possibly getting the sizzling hot cartridge in your face...
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
So. What's a Newsweek?
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
I have a vague recollection of it being that magazine riddled with germs that used to litter doctor's waiting rooms in the '80s. I think they were sold in grocery stores next to better news magazines like the Nat'l Enquirer and Weekly World News.
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
The growing acknowledgement that Jonathan Pollard's imprisonment is not to serve justice but that he is being held hostage as a political bargaining chip was the reason this Newsweek story was planted. It was done to silence the demands that Pollard be released.
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
Pollard is serving a sentence handed out by the justice system. He is an American traitor, for money. He's lucky to be alive.

I tire of Israelis constantly complaining about this. I should think they value patriotism and loyalty to Israel, so why don't they accept that a lot of Americans value it to America?
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
The facts point a different direction. The US gov't reached a plea bargain agreement with Pollard. It reneged on this agreement, apparently following the intervention of Sec. of Defense Cap Weinberger (before his death some years ago, Weinberger publicly requested that Jonathan be released).

The statement (opinion) that Pollard transferred information to Israeli handlers only for money is subjective. Pollard said that his primary motivation was to supply Israel with critical information that the Reagan Admin withheld, regarding radical Arab states' non-conventional weapons capability, in violation of a 1982 agreement with Israel.

Despite some unsubstantiated claims that Pollard sold info to every buyer, the reality is that two spies, one from the FBI and from the CIA (Hanson and the second I can't recall his name), gave much damaging info to the Soviet Union. US assets' lives were put at danger; some may have been killed. Those two, neither Jewish, each served about ten years in prison.

The inference that those wanting Pollard released don't value Americans' patriotism is purely speculation. Most Israelis, at least, who want him released feel he was wronged, and also blame some Israeli officials for not requesting his release earlier. Such efforts are focused on his release, and have nothing to do with denying Americans patriotic feelings.
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
Maybe. It doesn't take that much to silence Pollard's US supporters though, save a few ex-CIA chiefs.
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
Probably so. If you follow my top link you will find that explanation and a couple of others offered by Michael Oren. It may be a case of d. all of the above.
10 weeks ago
10 weeks ago Link To Comment
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