My name is Rhonda Robinson, and I lied.
It was for a good cause. You see, there was this really cool outfit, and I wanted it. A new fast-food joint was gearing up for opening day and looking to hire, so I applied for the job. The fact that I was only 13 wasn’t a problem for me, but I figured it wouldn’t look near as good on an application as 16 would.
After working only a few days, the manager called me into the office, my heart sunk. Certain that he’d figured it out, I braced myself for the worst and walked into the dusty back room. Cigarette smoke filled the room. Two men stood off to the side, one leaning on a wall of boxes, the other propping himself up with his foot on the seat of a chair. The boss sat behind the desk, leaning back and relaxed. Everyone seemed in a good mood.
“How old are you Ronnie?” He asked, right off the bat. Standing up just a little bit taller, I replied, “16.” The man leaned forward and held out a quarter. “Here” he said. As I slowly took the quarter pinched between fingers, he said with a bit of a nod, “Call me when you’re 18.” The two on the side busted out in laughter as if they’d been holding their breath the entire time.
I turned and walked out the door a bit confused and very relieved. “Boy, that was close!” I thought as I went back to work–completely clueless as to what just took place.
That memory has surfaced only twice in my life, the first time was many years later, as an adult when I realized why that manager actually called me in. All of a sudden it all came together and I thought, “Oh, that dirty old man!” It never occurred to me at the time, that a man the age of my father would think of me or look at me in that way.
The second time was when I read, Penelope Trunk’s opinion piece, “Why You Shouldn’t Report Sexual Harassment.”
“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s conduct with women have come to the forefront in the debate over sexual harassment. Of course, sexual harassment is ubiquitous. It is so prevalent on the job that girls can expect to encounter workplace harassment the first summer they work during high school. And it continues for a long time.”
As teachers and parents, most of us spend a lot of time making sure girls know what harassment looks like. What’s okay and what’s not okay when it comes to dealing with boys and men.”
Yeah. I get that. Girls do need to be taught to be on guard, especially stepping into the workplace and the world of men. First teachers and parents better start letting boys and girls know that they are different.
Is the line that hard to see? Or are individuals getting what we collectively asked for?
In Illinois, there was a sexual harassment case that got so bad it had around 80 complainants. One woman’s testimony included an attempted gang rape in the office. This company was so brazen in its abuse of women there was pornography on the walls and propositions made to women in exchange for larger paychecks, cars and drugs. I (Megan) can’t tell you which company it was because I’m legally bound not to disclose it. I was a witness to the absolute evil in that place. It is what happens when women do not report sexual harassment. It begins with one step over the line, and when it goes unchecked, it becomes dangerous.
Men and women alike are having a hard time finding where that line begins.
It’s no secret that more than a few men tend to gravitate toward grime and violent, full-contact sports. It’s probably safe to say a good part of the male population is quite comfortable living outside with very little comforts for long periods of time. On the opposite end, a woman that is happy to sit in deep snow for hours on end waiting for a deer to walk by is a rare find.
Mothers have been civilizing men for the entire history of the world. Without women, men would be more likely to spiral out of control. Of course the opposite is also true. Women need the roughness of men to balance our overprotective impulses, especially when it comes to children. We are different physically, and relationally.
The fact that we have to point out the obvious, between the design of men and women, and make a case for it shows how far gone as a society we really are.
“Just because you identify it, though, doesn’t mean you should report it. In fact, smart women don’t file formal complaints against ordinary harassment. They either ignore it or handle it on their own.”
No. “Smart women” know the difference between ordinary men, and harassment–one you ignore, the other can’t be handled on your own. Part of women’s role in society is to set boundaries of acceptable sexual behavior and relationships–this goes for the workplace as well.
Men spent thousands of years evolving into hunter/gatherers that can walk the edge of fearlessness and love of danger. Just as deeply embedded in their DNA is their desire for women. Those two traits alone can be credited for the reason our species survived.
But an office is not a wilderness. New societal rules have to be put in play.
Honestly, most men who “harass” women have no idea they’re doing it. If we are really honest, we women, don’t expect men to act like men. Most women are appalled at the inner world of men. We really don’t want to be one of the guys.
If we really want to end sexual harassment in the work place, we better get used to the idea that we really are different, and draw those lines in clear and wide. The first time a woman says, “That really makes me uncomfortable and I would like you to stop,” that should be the end of it.
Most of the time that is the end. They might honestly not know they did anything wrong. That is why everyone deserves a chance to shape up when it comes to harassment.
This culture is so strange with women embracing their “slut” personae that it’s no wonder men are confused.
Women also share a responsibility to not invite sexual advances when they do not want them and that includes being mindful of the signals one puts out at work. In other words, cover up the cleavage. It’s unprofessional to dress like you’re trolling for a date at work.
Feminism damaged the relationship between men and women. There was a time when men treated women with more deference, would not use vulgarity in front of a woman, would open doors and treat women with more respect than they do today. With the rise of the “be like men” philosophy preached by feminists, men gave up those traditions and allowed women into their locker room.
The consequences of a minority of women who rejected the value of their own role in society, burned their bras to “elevate” themselves into the world of men, has become the inheritance of women today. We now have a generation of women that have to deal with co-workers showing them pornographic jokes or treating them like one of the guys.
In a place of work, there are lines that should not be crossed and there is something to Trunk’s assertion that most problems should be handled personally before reporting. But those lines must be clearly drawn. Women must draw them collectively–that we are women.
How we want to be treated by men, in and out of the workplace has a lot to do with the lines we draw that separate us as men and women– and how firmly we will accept, embrace and enforce those differences.
****************
Photocredits: Shutterstock, Lisa F. Young, Rommel Canlas, szefei
Join the conversation as a VIP Member