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Dr. Helen

On Strike or Kicked Out?

July 26th, 2013 - 5:14 am

A reader is concerned that Men on Strike are just men who are rejected by women:

I am writing to you about your “Men on Strike” idea. I don’t have any statistics or anything but I’m wondering how common my situation is and if it has any bearing on your subject.

I’m very similar to the men you talk about in your writings. I’m 46 years old, never married, no children. When people ask me about getting married I always give some glib answer about free milk and a cow or buying a house for a woman I hate. But it’s an excuse. I’m not boycotting marriage. A “boycott” is something voluntary. I will likely never get married because no woman will ever have me.

I’m not movie star handsome but I’m certainly not ugly. I work out regularly and am in pretty good shape. I have multiple college degrees. I own my own car and house. I have a full head of hair and teeth. I have no criminal record or STDs.

I think I’m decent relationship material. The women of America don’t seem to agree. It’s been almost 10 years since my last date. My lack of a romantic life isn’t for lack of trying, but no matter what I do I am rejected by women. I can’t even begin to express my frustration, confusion and loneliness to you, but that’s not why I wrote. Might there be a lot of men in my situation? I hear women complain “there are no good ones left”. I guess I’m not a “good one”. There might be a lot of decent guys that aren’t considered “good ones” by women.

I’ve thought A LOT about possible reasons for my problem. One of them is that I tend to be a quiet person. I’m just not the “Joe Cool” type. Women seem to like flashy guys and I just can’t seem to pull that off. I’m not anti-social, I’m just not a PUA. But I think the major part of my problem is height. I’m 5’7″ barefoot. Most women won’t even give me a chance, because I’m just too short. Even women that are shorter than me consider me too short to date.

Is it possible that a lot of guys “boycotting” marriage are in reality just losers (and I include myself in that) that can’t get a relationship and this talk of a boycott is sour grapes? Are women’s expectations different now than in the past, leaving a lot of previously desirable men out in the cold? It’s certainly good that women will no longer tolerate things like physical abuse, but what about other “deal breakers”? Things like baldness or shortness? Does the reluctance of women to realistically “settle” affect the number of men who are “boycotting” marriage?

Yes, I do think women’s expectations are different now. It used to be that if a man was a decent guy, he could usually find a wife if he wanted to. Part of this, I think, is that women were expected to marry, now they are not and told that they are fine alone. Add to this the media, culture and educational system that tells them they don’t need men and the standards are high, especially for highly educated women. There seem to be different groups within the “men on strike” group. Those men who feel that they can’t compete and have simply bailed out, those who can compete but don’t want to marry because of the lack of incentives to do so such as loss of freedom, high expectations, and legal aspects of marriage and even those in-between who are simply sick of the whole system and living on their own terms. I do think that men who have been rejected over and over have simply gone on strike and no longer try at times.

I wouldn’t call them losers though. I would say that the dynamics and expectations for women have changed –and given women’s tendency to hypergamy, many men now do not measure up when they did so in the past.

Any more thoughts or ideas for our reader would be welcome in the comments.

Comments are closed.

All Comments   (43)
All Comments   (43)
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Hi Dr. Helen ! i'm Paul i just read your book yesterday in 4 hours ,i'm currently grabbing everyone i can to tell them about your groundbreaking book "Men on Strike " you are so spot on about everything ,i could not agree with you more about your entire book ,there is a vitriol hatred out there ,every man is a potential pedophile ,i can see it in there eyes these women ,this is there time ,they are tearing men apart ,they seem to want all men to committ suicide except the alpha males that they will have babies with ... i have come to the point of ignoring all women ,not looking at them ,talking to them ,even acknowledging them as human beings,how did we get to this place ,its horrible .....
51 weeks ago
51 weeks ago Link To Comment
A simple solution to the OP's problem would be to date outside of our borders -- assuming he lives here in the U.S. The world is a large place and to limit your choices by city, state or country is just handicapping yourself. Learn a new language, research other cultures, you'll see that there is a lot to be discovered. Contrary to popular belief, there are plenty of "traditional" women out there, ESPECIALLY beyond our borders. If you do meet someone, take your time to get to know her. Enjoy the chase! A long-distance relationship can be a good thing, as you may tend not take each other for granted. Just my two cents.
52 weeks ago
52 weeks ago Link To Comment
While I understand what the guy is trying to say, I'd like to point out that reading through it is a bit of a head-trip. Even if you had the personality of moist cotton and looked like a zombie (and from his account, he doesn't seem to answer to either), having multiple degrees and supporting yourself financially makes "loser" a hard epithet to earn. The framing is therefore a little unsettling. I've seen plenty of women in these discussions before suggesting the same thing this guy is, except to justify their assertion they make assumptions about the positions of strikers antithetical to everything he just presented. EG, they intimate that all strikers are destitute, uncultured slobs... basically the same "men are a species of monkey" mythos that feminists use to make themselves feel better about not having souls anymore. To see the same thesis advanced when even that strawman is nowhere to be seen... it's flabbergasting.

And while it's easy to see why he'd be lumped in with us, by definition he's not a classical striker if he is actively searching but finding no takers. That's not to say he does not have a problem that's running in parallel, so to speak. If the info he gave is accurate, I may have an alternative explanation.

Look... if you're successful, well-put together, etc, it's possible what you're suffering is a variant of what used to be known as the "10 effect" (and a host of other names). This was coined to explain why the women generally thought of as 10s by the average observer also had an inexplicably low number of prospects. While most guys wanted to date them, very few thought they had any CHANCE with them. Could be that you're stuck in a rough place... women, especially since they expect to be much more independent these days, may feel threatened rather than gratified by your situation. How this varies from the classical 10 effect is that I suspect it is exacerbated by cultural prejudices instilled in many women from birth. To put it another way, because society now expects both of you to lead a substantial independent existence, she compares her success to yours. If she's less successful, which seems likely, then American women are typically indoctrinated such that the feminist knee-jerk reflex activates and you instantly become the mustache twirling "PatriarchyOMGHELP!". The sad part? Less successful men get classed in the "loser" box by the same compulsion to compare statuses. Given the psychology of American women, sometimes I'm amazed this country still HAS a marriage rate.

Unfair though this is, it thrusts upon him many of the same considerations that strikers have to think about. Is your goal in a relationship companionship, physical intimacy, and/or reproduction? Which alternative paths are acceptable to you, and which are not? I won't sugar-coat that these are all difficult questions. What's sobering is the thought that they can be imposed even when you did all you could to maximize your mating competitiveness. That's rough.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
At 5' 6", unmarried and 43, I can appreciate what the original poster is lamenting. I think though that he may be caught in adopting too sociological a perspective. tvadochelper has it right--you have to maintain your sense of humor in the face of rejection and remember whatever the overall trends when looking at the situation from a sociological perspective, there are always outliers, be one. When I think about the women I've been with, there's no one variable that identified them as women who didn't care about height, or placed a higher priority on other variables. Also keep in mind that female chauvinism is as much a posture as a dyed-in-the-wool core belief. No one is herself on the first few dates, and the political garbage has been hammered into them all their lives--it's as shallow to reject someone immediately because she parrots the party line as it is for her to reject you for being short. There's a reason 'she' is single and dating too. I suspect part of the solution is to look for someone with whom you share a passion--not just a common interest, but a passion. Interests provide fodder for small talk, passions bring people out of their 'general use' personae(?) to reveal themselves.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
I feel the original poster's pain. I'm 32, a divorced single father ( with full custody). I haven't been in a relationship in over 10 years. I've had a couple dates here and there over the years, but nothing that took. As time goes on, my choices are more and more limited, and I feel as though I either have to settle for being alone, settle for less than what I want, or realize I am being settled for. None of which sound very appealing. Like the Reader, I am also short ( shorter than you buddy, so there's a silver lining, huh?). At the risk of sounding like someone suffering the dreaded Short Man's Syndrome, height is seemingly a huge deal for a vast majority of women. Even women you'd think were above such pettiness. They're open-minded about anything up to and including criminal records, deviant sexual tastes, fluid employment status, but if you're a short guy, forget it. To somehow get past all that, and delve into an actual committed, long-term relationship, only to stare down the barrel of an increasingly hostile and biased court system, on top of all the media stigma and general ridicule, makes marriage ( or even dating) as a man, seem pretty hopeless. I wish there were some hope I could offer, but women these days are just not worth the trouble.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
I am a now 57 year old soon to be divorced father of 4 sons.
I brought home the money for over 30 years. Paid for my wife to go to school, get her bachelors and then CPA. Bought a new nice house with money we received from a company I worked for over 25 years.
I lost my job after 32 years, she wanted a divorce.
I gave her the house, all the belongings and the 2 youngest boys and I took a new job 2700 miles away.
We went to counseling, 2 times the women counselors said SHE had an issue. we left and found another counselor. Finally my wife found a woman who took her side.
I will never, never, never, never, never, never, marry again. EVER!
8/6 I have a phone court hearing on child support. I have already, without court requirement supplied 2000 dollars in 45 days.
Did I mention I will never marry again?
I am not interested anymore.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
if I yes I high General waxwing01 was given power over USA there would be no such thing as divorce. And in next few weeks 100,000 churchs will be preaching how those who divorce will be going to hell in the afterlife

In Luke 16:18 Jesus says:
"Every one who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery.'
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
I always had trouble with women when I was young, mainly because I looked so young. I was still getting carded at bars at 34 years old. And I though that women didn't want young men however, now that I am older in my early 50's It is rediculously easy for me to get a date now because I look like I'm in my middle 40's and there are just a ton of woman in there late 30's early 40's who kicked the husbands out for whatever reason and now are alone.

I find that they are desperate to find men. Out of all the dates I've had been on they "ALL" were entitled and believed most of the feministic crap that is out there and they all believed that they were oppressed. Don't worry fallas I was very careful. I found it refreshing to use them before they used me. LOL
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
The first thing that one needs to remember is that rejection is a part of dating. You have to go through all the "not right ones" to get to the "right one". If you have given up on dating, it is because rejection is getting to you. While understandable, that is part of being a man. That is not likely to change in thousands of years. Woman and woman helpers (Psychologists, Sociologists) can say all they want about how men and women are becoming equal, but woman are not going to walk up to you and hit on you. That is in the nature of things, like breathing and eating. A man does not have to be "cool". He just has to be confident, have self control, ask for the home phone number and wait 5 to 9 days to call (do a online search for Doc Love).

If you are not willing to do it, I don't think you are a "loser". I think you are just tired of the war that is dating. Being out of dating is very safe. Next time someone says "so you're not married (or have a girlfriend)?" without skipping a beat reply "why do you ask?, You got a girlfriend for me? And then if they say "no?", then in a gentle teasing way, say "well then, what good are you?" Then change the subject. Your sex life is nobody else's business.

I am heart-broken that men like the reader put themselves down so much for not having a wife. Let me scream from the highest mountain, "better to be alone then be with the wrong one!" I have been there. Trust me. Take the effort and time to find the right one, or stay safe. Enjoy life either way.

I have not dated a lot since my divorce, but I remember dating two very wonderful women. But like most relationships, they did not work out. Both of them died only a few years later of unexpected illness. Lesson? Even if you find the right one, something can happen to make you alone again. Enjoy who you are or make yourself into who you want to be. Grow, regardless of your dating/marital status. Get in or stay out. But don't punish yourself if you stay out.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Yup, "No company is better than bad company," where 'bad' is defined as unsuitable, incompatible etc.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
"He just has to be confident, have self control, ask for the home phone number and wait 5 to 9 days to call"

Of course, you have to GET the number before you can wait 5 to 9 days to call it.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
Yes, but if you don't ask (and risk rejection) you'll NEVER get it.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
What makes you think I don't ask?

You seem to think that if a man just decides to get a date, he'll get one. That's ridiculous.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
TVA, it's not necessarily rejection ( although, how women can compete with us on every front, and yet still be the ' delicate little flower' of the dating scene is beyond me. It's 2013 ladies, ask a dude out.) It's the unrealistic and ridiculous expectations placed on men. On top of that, we're supposed to roll over and act grateful that *any* women deign talk to us. Then, we get to put everything we have on the chopping block if a long term relationship doesn't work out.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
After reading comments so far I see this as the problem with a material rich culture. People end up worshiping the idols in their lives. They no longer have free will. They think the idols serve them but the truth they serve the idols. Another human is another thingie to put in the proper place in adding to idols another decoration to statisfy a vampire addiction.
I like the new TV show on discovery channel naked and afraid . All the idols are taken away and the man and woman enter being kicked out of the Garden of Eden.
Human weaknesses are in full bloom. no worry about turning into a machine as it is an in idol worshiping material rich world so blind only the afterlife can open your eyes
The two naked and afraid people know they need protection from creeping in from every nook and crany afterlife
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
footnote
That immortality aura planted in the middle of the idol worshiping temple must be taken away so free will come back to make the human human again . this already happen to many people during our depression yet the ones on top remain where there were so this created the tea party but it seems to me all they really want to do is get back into idol worshiping
just a thought
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
I have to agree with the guy to a large extent. I'm in a very similar situation, wealthy, healthy, and responsible, but with no prospects for marriage and none likely to ever arise.

I found two women would would have married me. One had been in psychotherapy for years. When I moved away and we parted I had helped her become much stronger, but she could not have handled the fact that my career required such moves, among other things. She demanded that I "relate" that we "communicate." And when I did she was horrified.

The other woman had kicked her husband out many years before, raised her kids on her own, and made it clear that she wanted a man to take over so she could relax, have a good time, and let someone else pay the bills. And I clearly reminded her of her decreased father.

And I saw so many men whose wives had gone nuts and demanded a divorce for no good reason. One guy I worked with built a nice home in the country. Within a few months she had told him to leave. The driving reason seemed to be a divorcee friend of hers who told her all the time what a ball it was to get rid of the husband.

So it's not that I could not find a woman who would accept me. It's that I could not find one who would be acceptable to me and I to her. Most had been captured by the widespread femanazi philosophy and many of the others simply were basket cases.
1 year ago
1 year ago Link To Comment
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