What do you get when you take a GenX California native, move him to Boston to play professional football where he quarterbacked in nine Super Bowls and won six of them over a 20-year career with the New England Patriots, and then move him down to Florida for a few weeks?
He begins The Becoming. He starts evolving into Florida Man. Nearly instantly.
True story, and we’ll get to it immediately on this week’s enthralling…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
And it’s Tom “Florida Man” Brady.
You can’t make this stuff up, and in Florida, you never have to.
"Our parks are closed down so a lot of our park staff patrol around…and saw an individual working out in one of our downtown parks. She went over to tell him it was closed. And it was Tom Brady." https://t.co/fASoW4tCpu pic.twitter.com/u2Sbaczdwz
— WFLA NEWS (@WFLA) April 20, 2020
Now maybe you’re thinking, “Sure, Brady was caught doing something he shouldn’t in broad daylight, but he was fully dressed and not on bath salts. So I’m not buying this notion that Tom Brady is turning into Florida Man.”
And you know what? You’d be right to think that.
But wait, there’s more!
Tom Brady Accidentally Trespasses In Tampa, 'Holy S**t, He's In My House!' https://t.co/Y8NdUui5RQ
— TMZ (@TMZ) April 23, 2020
Here’s the deal … David Kramer is next-door neighbors with Buccaneers offensive coordinator Byron Leftwich in the Tampa area — and he says back on April 7, Brady was set to meet the coach at Leftwich’s place for the first time since signing with TB.
The problem? Kramer and the Tampa Bay assistant coach’s houses look super similar … and the G.O.A.T. apparently got them mixed up!!!
Kramer says he was sitting in his kitchen on the phone … when Brady straight-up barged in through the front door with duffel bags in hand.
“I literally was just sitting here and I watch this tall guy just walk into my house,” Kramer says … “He didn’t even look at me. He just like dropped his duffel bags down on the floor and just kind of like looked up at me and I’ll never forget the look on his face.”
What did Brady say in his defense? “Am I in the wrong house?”
Trespassing in parks, breaking and entering… Just making myself at home in Tompa Bay! 😂 https://t.co/zfm5q9zhz6
— Tom Brady (@TomBrady) April 23, 2020
What, I need to know, do bath salts smell like? And does Tom Brady smell like that?
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is Florida Man…
So stay tuned.
I Wish I Could Quit You
A few sordid details:
Deputies said they were called to the area of County Road 452 and South Em En El Grove Road around 10:30 a.m. Easter Sunday and found Amy Hunt swinging a 3 foot long metal pole at vehicle as they drove by, forcing the drivers to swerve.
When deputies asked her about her behavior, they said she told them she was having a “nicotine fit” and she was angry that the passing motorists wouldn’t give her cigarettes.
Hunt, 36, was told to stay out of the road and stop swinging the metal pole but a short time later she was caught doing it again, forcing three drivers to swerve in order to avoid her and the pole, records show.
Deputies said Hunt resisted and tried to get free and run away while they were attempting to handcuff her.
I quit over 15 years ago, and it was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It took three solid tries over a period of a couple years, and even now out of nowhere I’ll occasionally get the craving for that sweet, sweet nicotine.
Having been through all however that I’m pretty sure Florida Woman had more going on in her bloodstream than just a nic fit.
Necessity, Invention, Yadda Yadda Yadda
Florida man builds backyard golf course https://t.co/f6sCCOQHKF
— All Things WSB-TV (@AllThingsWSB) April 21, 2020
That’s actually pretty great, and I don’t even play golf.
True story: I’ve never tried golf for the same reason I’ve never tried cocaine. I’m pretty sure I’d like it, and I can’t afford any more expensive hobbies.
What Am I Looking At? (Vol. 1)
— Willie Saylor (@MatScoutWillie) April 21, 2020
Bacon-wrapped gator. Only in Florida, man.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida people can be the best people:
Datz Restaurant Group went from close to 400 employees to just 27, and the Perrys said they were running out of money to keep even their skeleton staff paid.
“(Our employees are) family now,” Suzanne Perry told CNN. “We’ve watched their children grow up and they’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, but we can’t protect them. There’s absolutely nothing we can do. We can’t pay people when we have no revenue.”
So as a last resort, the couple decided to sell the most valuable item in the restaurant’s inventory: A 25-year-old bottle of Old Rip Van Winkle bourbon.
They put the bottle up for auction for $20,000 but with a 15% online purchase discount. They really needed to get that bottle sold to keep their business open.
Here’s what happened next:
“A woman called and I spoke to her husband,” Suzanne Perry told CNN. “He’s a veteran. He appreciates bourbon and he wanted to add it in his collection and they decided that they would purchase it. We were very happy about that.”
Instead of buying it online, however, the man insisted that he would buy it in person with a cashier’s check.
“He drove it in the next morning and handed Roger the check,” Suzanne Perry said. “Roger looked at it and saw that rather than what would have been $17,000 with the discount that we had offered, the check was written for $40,000.”
I bet that’s some satisfying booze, even if he never opens the bottle.
Good to Know
Florida woman here:
If you’re ever in an encounter with a gator you can poke it in the eye.
Or, they have a pouch in the back of their throats to keep water out of their lungs. Punch it. It’ll let you go lol https://t.co/NGmsx3HrWw
— kirks third earring (@FreeBreNastyy) April 19, 2020
We Get It, You’re Concerned
“Santa Rosa Beach based lawyer Daniel Uhlfelder will be embarking on his ‘Grim Reaper tour’ from May 1 onwards, using the frightening costume as a warning to those failing to take social distancing seriously.”
I’m betting this guy got a lot of wedgies in high school.
Do They Still Call It ‘The Streak?’
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) April 18, 2020
The real question is: Was it Tom Brady?
I Think I Married Florida Woman
I will continue to pick-up and take home meals even if dine-in is open. I did a go-get at Besito in Tampa, and they let me buy margaritas in a pouch! Margaritas TO GO MAN! When this is over, to-go cocktails needs to stay. Wait…This is totally a "Florida Woman" tweet, isn't it.
— CookieTPA (@cookietpa) April 23, 2020
No, seriously. My wife, an Air Force brat, was born at MacDill Air Force Base in Tampa (Tompa?), and loves nothing more than margaritas and contraband drinking. I think I just found her spiritual twin.
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Florida Man says he thought law enforcement wasn’t looking for suspects because of coronavirus. (Spoiler: They were looking for suspects.)
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.
What Am I Looking At? (Vol. 2)
— 3DaaMinivan (@3daaminivan) April 21, 2020
I still haven’t watched Tiger King. Should I?
The Worst People in the World
This is infuriating:
Chiara has been self quarantined at home with her fiance and two children. Since she doesn’t have a driveway, she moved her car from the garage to a guest spot to give the kids room to play.
Chiara Quinones: “They’re stuck at home, they’re miserable, and I give them very limited time outside.”
She lives at Raintree in Pembroke Pines. One of their rules: a resident can park in a guest spot for 48 hours. Then, they have to move to another guest spot or be towed.
Chiara Quinones: “Being home multitasking, I’m extremely busy. I forgot about the car.”
And then when Chiara didn’t move her car from one guest spot to another after 48 hours…
Chiara Quinones: “I’m like, ‘Where is my car?’ It turned out to be that the car was towed.”
How many guests parking spots do they need during a quarantine, hmm? If there was ever a time to ditch silly rules, it’s now.
Spoiler: It’s almost always time.
Also, it isn’t just Florida: Tennessee HOA Threatens to Foreclose on Residents Conducting Business at Home During Lockdown.
Florida Man in History
Ernest Hemingway firing a Tommy gun from his yacht named Pilar near Key West, Florida, 1935. pic.twitter.com/SebSZFHwMC
— History Lovers Club (@historylvrsclub) April 21, 2020
Was Hemingway the first Florida Man?
Draw Your Own Conclusions
I can’t remember where I stumbled across this, but I did remember to share it with you.
So… you’re welcome?
What Am I Looking At? (Vol. 3)
Y’all… Quarantine is really getting to people. This random lady just casually walked over and hugged this Palm Tree for like 20 seconds… and then casually walked back to wherever she wondered from. 🤔🌴#TreeHugger #QuarantineLife
Florida man… 🤣 pic.twitter.com/lRzsBQuSv6
— Mike Roberts (@MikeRob12619051) April 21, 2020
It’s a lonely time. Don’t judge.
Crime of the Century, Man
More at the link, but here’s the gist:
Federal securities regulators say that a Florida man raised $5.5 million from more than 60 investors through a promise of turning their money into huge gains in Colorado’s marijuana industry.
But instead, the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission claims, he spent $3 million to bankroll a lavish lifestyle… [including] $335,000 spent at an adult-entertainment venue in Tampa, Florida.
In Florida Man’s defense, he probably figured Colorado Man would be too stoned to notice. Also: A third of a million dollars on strippers and bad cocktails? Some people really know how to live.
— うのはなねこ。 (@tokyocat_meow2) April 22, 2020
Crazy cat lady or normal cat lady? You make the call!
Meanwhile, in Great Britain…
COVID-19 really brings out the worst in people, sometimes in the form of weaponized mucous.
I can’t believe I just had to coin the phrase “weaponized mucous.”
On second thought, I can’t believe it took me a month’s worth of quarantine stories to come up with that phrase.
Anyway, a story like that can mean just one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next wet, hacking installment of…