There are certain things in life you can always depend upon to give you a sense of wellbeing, no matter what else may be going on in your life or the world around you. For example, the way a sunny April afternoon puts an extra spring in your step. The smell of coffee starting to brew as you laze in bed on a Saturday morning. That first sip of brandy after a well-prepared dinner. The last sip, too, for that matter.
And of course, rounding out your workweek with…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
— Martha Gruender (@MarthaGruender) April 17, 2020
It was a protest. Can you guess what Florida Man was protesting?
Florida Man cemented himself in concrete to protest not releasing prisoners due to Coronavirus.
Is jackhammered out by emergency responders, arrested, and sent to jail.
Good job dude. 👍🏻 https://t.co/dcL8W518rd
— Robert McLaws (@robertmclaws) April 17, 2020
Say what you will about Florida Man’s methods, but he always looks after his own.
Don’t Do That. Don’t Do Any of That
Sometimes you read a headline and think, “There has got to be more to this story than that.”
This is not one of those times:
Deputies were called to a home on 18th Street on Wednesday in reference to a possible case of arson. When they arrived, deputies said they spoke with the homeowner who told them she saw her neighbor, 26-year-old Bertice Taylor, set her home on fire.
The victim said she heard Taylor yell “they set your (expletive) on fire,” and then began trying to put the fire out by throwing water through her open window, according to an arrest report.
Investigators said Taylor had been trespassed from the victim’s home in March following a prior incident. Taylor told deputies she was upset about not being allowed into the victim’s home.
Just for future reference, not being allowed into a neighbor’s home does not call for an act of violent retribution.
I hope that clears up any misunderstandings you might have had.
The New Business Casual
“It is remarkable how many ATTORNEYS appear inappropriately on camera,” Broward County Circuit Judge Dennis Bailey said in a statement posted on westonbar.org.
Broward County courts have been utilizing the video-conferencing program Zoom since March due to coronavirus.
While some have been wearing casual shirts, two incidents were more extreme. One man appeared shirtless during a hearing, and a woman appeared in bed, still under the covers.
“Please, if you don’t mind, let’s treat court hearings as court hearings, whether Zooming or not,” Bailey said.
Years ago I saw some World War II prisoner-of-war movie that left an impression. It might have been Stalag 17 or maybe The Bridge Over the River Kwai, but that part of my memory is failing me right now. Anyway, there was an American or British officer who insisted his men shave and wear their uniforms properly even though they were all prisoners, because it’s bad for morale to let yourself go.
So that’s what I’ve been doing during the Virus Insanity Shut-In Time. I shave every day, I’m doing what I can to keep my hair presentable, I’m putting on real clothes, and sleeping regular hours. And I’ve found that it IS good for morale.
Clearly however I’m in the minority on this one.
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Florida Woman arrested after tiff with naked man. (Arrested for a fight, attack, altercation — sure. But a tiff?)
• Florida Man accused of beating cellmate who asked for a ‘courtesy flush’ to help with smell. (I don’t condone violence but…)
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.
It’s Like Passover for Petty Criminals
Joshua Price, in his 20s, was detained by officers from the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office, who said they wore protective gear to make the arrest. When they approached the suspect’s home, they were met with a sign stuck to the door with tape which read: “COVID19 infected since 4/8/20.”
The self-made warning was not enough to deter deputies, who were seen in a photo on the agency’s Facebook account, leading the suspect to a police vehicle in handcuffs.
“Placing a fake ‘Covid-19’ sign on your door will not stop us from kicking it in when you have felony warrants for your arrest,” the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office wrote.
What if someone had a real COVID-19 sign on their door? Asking for a friend.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
— ABC News (@ABC) April 15, 2020
I’m not crying, you’re crying.
An Important Reminder
As a lifelong Floridian, I claim a certain amount of tongue in cheek pride in "Florida Man" or "Florida Woman" crime stories.
It's not that our criminals are more stupid (it's debatable), but our open records laws make their stories more accessible to the press and public.
— Troy S. Schoonover 🏈 (@TroySchoonover) April 12, 2020
It’s true. I love Florida’s public record laws and wish every state would duplicate them.
On the other hand, how many gator stories are you ever going to get out of North Dakota?
Speaking of Gator Stories…
ONLY IN FLORIDA – A Pasco County man who got a notification from his Ring doorbell checked the video to find that the commotion was just someone trying to catch a gator in front of his door. 😂
— WSVN 7 News (@wsvn) April 16, 2020
Nice job, Florida Men!
Speaking of Gator Stories II
GATOR WARNING: A gator was found overnight in a Florida woman's pool. The trapper says with the temperature change and drought, gators have been on the move. 🐊 https://t.co/nYxhT9BUz4
— FOX 35 Orlando (@fox35orlando) April 15, 2020
I just launched iTunes and cranked up The Dead Milkmen’s Big Lizard In My Backyard to 11.
Speaking of Gator Stories III
— Harriet Baldwin Text Trump 88022 (@HarrietBaldwin) April 11, 2020
Florida: Still leading the nation in gator and gator-related news.
This Never Happens to Me
A Florida woman was shocked when she checked her account balance after withdrawing her $1,200 coronavirus stimulus check. Diana Lagulli went to a Wawa in Sanford to use the ATM to take some money out after receiving a notification that the funds had been deposited into her account.
When Lagulli checked the receipt, she could not believe that her account balance read $8,500,000.
“I laughed and told our son, look, your parents are millionaires,” she told WFOL.
Laguli called her bank and learned that the money was inadvertently deposited into her account. About 12 hours later, she received a notification that the money had been removed.
I bet you in 12 hours I might just be able to make a large electronic transfer and get myself somewhere with no extradition.
People Will Pay to Watch Anything During the Shut-In
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) April 17, 2020
Maybe he should spend the money on a new coffeemaker.
No Anchovies Were Harmed in the Making of This News Item
I did not see this one coming:
Sudeep Khetani, 34, called pizzerias and restaurants in three New Jersey counties and “each time he indicated he would pick up the order or it was intended for local police,” the press release states.
“In several of the follow-up calls the pizzerias made to the phone number that placed the order, Khetani would make statements about Italians and wished they would be affected with the coronavirus,” police said.
How long before the feds charge him with biological warfare?
Quick Slow Stalled Getaway
A bizarre story out of Pasco County. The Sheriff's Office says a woman jumped into the back of a garbage truck on its normal route this morning in New Port Richey.
She eventually got out, attacked the driver and steal the truck. Fortunately, she couldn't drive it. pic.twitter.com/pMBd6QQwD9
— Erik Waxler (@erikwaxler) April 13, 2020
Hardly anyone knows how to drive a stick anymore.
Meanwhile, in… Where the Hell Is This, Anyway?
In case you were worried you’d have to go the whole weekend without seeing a full minute’s worth of smartphone video footage of a young woman under a voodoo spell making her act like a horse…
…I’m here to save you from any such concerns.
HELL NA somebody did voodoo on this lady and turned her into a WILD HORSE, watch how she run away at the endddd 😭 pic.twitter.com/pB5vDBDuxm
— 🐣 (@enimsaj_naoj) April 15, 2020
So there you go: A full minute’s worth of smartphone video footage of a young woman under a voodoo spell making her act like a horse.
A story like that one can mean only one thing: Florida Man has just one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
Florida Man Friday!
(I have faith.)