Last week I had feared that Florida’s coronavirus lockdown might prevent Florida Man from getting up to his usual hijinks.
[chandlerbingvoice] Could I have BEEN more wrong? [/chandlerbingvoice]
I’ve been closing browser tabs left and right trying to trim down this week’s selection of Florida Man stories down to something manageable and, I’d like to think, narrowing this week’s picks to the sublimely absurd.
So join me now, won’t you, on another thrill-a-minute episode of…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Every state has it own dangerous wildlife, but Florida is different. You never see headlines like “Missouri Man Seen Waterskiing with Water Moccasin in His Shorts,” or “Arizona Man Rides Coyote for a Worthy Cause,” or “Colorado Man Caught Robbing Banks Had Grizzly Bear as Getaway Driver.”
Although wouldn’t you dig it if you did?
Anyway, Florida Man wrestles gators, sunbathes with gators, wear gators, and even raises gators into a life of crime:
Seminole County Sheriff Dennis Lemma announced details of the bust at a news conference Friday.
He said a deputy ran the plates on a car, learned it was stolen and followed it to a Lake Mary house.
That’s where deputies found the drugs and a baby alligator that was being kept as a pet.
No word on whether the baby gator was taken into Gator Protective Services custody.
Not Drinking Sucks
Don’t vac me, sis:
The case of the 32-year-old lady alleged to have employed part of a vacuum as a weapon during an imbibing imbroglio happened March 20 in Fort Pierce.
About 1:30 a.m., St. Lucie County sheriff’s deputies went to an address in the 13200 block of Orange Avenue.
A man said his girlfriend was drunk and hit him “with a piece of a vacuum” because he wouldn’t let her keep drinking. He said the woman took his keys and drove off in his 2001 Pontiac.
Who steals an ’01 Pontiac?
Note: Thank you to literally everybody for sending me this one.
Coronavirus Hygiene, Florida Man Style
— Kevin Cate (@KevinCate) April 8, 2020
One glove? And the bare hand is touching it?
Florida Man to Pardon Tiger King?
THE YEAR 2020 UPDATE: The President of The United States is asked if he will pardon 'Tiger King' pic.twitter.com/VQuKkKxjTX
— Breaking911 (@Breaking911) April 8, 2020
“I’ll take a look.”
Please do, Mr. President.
Keep an eye on this one. It could end up the most Florida story of all time.
They Were Breeding Like Rabbits
Easter had become way too secular and commercial already, but this is maybe a step too far. Or six:
Flagler County Sheriff’s officials said they began getting calls about the eggs April 5. On Wednesday evening, more calls came in, according to a post on the sheriff’s office’s Facebook page.
Investigators identified the suspect’s vehicle and stopped the car Wednesday night, the report said.
Deputies arrested Abril Cestoni, 42, who told them she was putting the eggs in the mailboxes to educate people, the report said. They found a bag full of pornographic material inside the car.
I wonder what she does for Valentine’s Day.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Sanford restaurant owner making sure first responders stay fed https://t.co/lVvf3on8Ub
— WESH 2 News (@WESH) April 9, 2020
“They’re on the front lines, and the mental, their spirits their hearts are in a good place, but mentally I’m sure there’s wear and tear, at least we can feed the body.
Driving to a friend's house to smoke marijuana and crashing into a deputy's cruiser while driving a stolen car may not be the best thing to do during the coronavirus state of emergency in Florida.https://t.co/RnpgxA15EU
— WPEC CBS12 News (@CBS12) April 8, 2020
Now I’d like to ask the headline writers at WPEC to kindly stop stealing my schtick.
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Pony found month later after Florida Man steals it from stable. (Who steals a pony? A guy who already has an ’01 Pontiac.)
Now, back to our regularly scheduled news…
Coronavirus Hygiene, Florida Man Style II
Don’t forget his best pal Ron desantis. pic.twitter.com/1hCrZcWCbk
— Daniel Uhlfelder (@DWUhlfelderLaw) April 10, 2020
Won’t somebody please have a chat with the Governor?
Giving in the Time of Coronavirus
A South Florida woman's friends improvised a bit and threw her a baby shower with ample social distancing after her original one was canceled due to coronavirus. https://t.co/Zw0dsd0p4Z
— FOX29WFLX (@FOX29WFLX) April 6, 2020
Life does go on.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes II
“We were receiving over a hundred calls a day from hospital personnel, husbands and wives of doctors and nurses and saying, ‘is there any way that you can help us? We’ve seen it on TV. Can you help us print our masks?'” Kirchner said.
And so then he did.
Hoarding, You’re Doing It Right
I just watched an elderly lady wearing a mask and gloves walk out of my Publix pushing a buggy with 4 cases of @MichelobULTRA. We will survive this 🇺🇸
— Ryan Tyson (@ryan_tyson) April 4, 2020
Would You Like Fries with That Snake?
They weren’t lovin’ it.
PETITION: You can sign here to try and convince Netflix to make Florida Man into a series. I didn’t, because I don’t want the extra competition.
I’ve Got a Fake Badge Around Here Somewhere…
ICYMI: Hialeah Police Chief Sergio Velazquez — a big believer that good grooming and good policing go hand in hand — worked out an arrangement with a local shop to trim the hair and beards of cops, according to a memo sent to his department. https://t.co/hEM42IqgTL
— Miami Herald (@MiamiHerald) April 9, 2020
Seriously, has anyone seen my fake badge?
What Better Time Than Now?
Florida Woman Starts Argument Over COVID-19 While Hammered On Fireball https://t.co/88VKPui3FO
— Spencer & Kristen (@SpencerNKristen) April 9, 2020
Has boredom been getting to you, too?
That Seems Like Overkill
At the end of March, the US Department of Justice (DOJ) distributed a memo to prosecutors that said, in part, that coronavirus “appears to meet the statutory definition of a ‘biological agent,’” and that “the purposeful exposure and infection of others with Covid-19” could be possible grounds for terrorism charges. Critics argue that’s a step too far.
Charge the guy with some kind of assault for being a dolt, but don’t ruin his life with a ginned-up terrorism charge to improve the political fortunes of some ambitious DA.
Know Your Prey
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) April 9, 2020
I’m hungry, but I can’t tell if I want chicken or seafood.
Aside: I haven’t had Publix fried chicken in ages, and if someone wouldn’t mind bringing me some, Smokey and the Bandit-style, I’d sure appreciate it.
Broke or Broken
Florida man loses life savings on Luckin Coffee: pours scalding coffee on crotch in Starbucks screaming profanities about fake Chinese Data https://t.co/neYNlqJeZu via @https://twitter.com/thestinkmarket
— Xi Diddy (@PandemicStock) April 8, 2020
Pro Tip: All data from China is fake.
Meanwhile, in Michigan…
It’s like a scene from an ’80s teen movie if they ever made an ’80s teen movie about belligerent middle-aged guys:
“According to The Battle Creek Enquirer, the 57-year-old victim told police he was in his home on Monday evening when the suspect approached him wearing thong underwear over his face. The victim allegedly told the suspect that the makeshift mask looked like the thongs laying around his own home.”
“The suspect left, only to return about 45 minutes later and hit the victim on the side of his head, police said. The two men allegedly wrestled before the victim fell to the floor and was kicked in the ribs,” continued the report.
The suspect remains on the loose — and alluringly attired.
You know that a story like that can mean but one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…