Florida Governor Ron DeSantis just issued a statewide stay-at-home order going into effect at noon today, so this might be the last Florida Man Friday for a while.
Can a nation long survive such deprivation? Or will bloggers come up with fanciful new ways to pass along the silly news? Instead of a total dearth of Florida Man stories, maybe we’ll see intriguing special editions like “Best of Florida Man Friday” or “Floria Man Friday Gold.”
Stay tuned, because only time will tell.
So in good cheer and (I hope) good health, let us begin the final pre-stay-at-home episode of…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
— WFLA NEWS (@WFLA) April 3, 2020
We have questions. WFLA has answers:
“I think the whole idea is crazy; the toilet paper phenomenon,” Donald Ryan said.
Ryan built the toilet paper replica himself. He spray painted the name of his arts and crafts business, “Who Wood Wonder” on it.
“I had the pulleys in the trees all along because I do Christmas decorations up there and Halloween and Easter and all kinds of things, so I put it to use,” Ryan said.
Ryan hopes people can find at least some humor in the situation.
“Of course it’s the most important thing. You’re gonna laugh, or you’re gonna drive yourself crazy,” Ryan said.
In a time like this, maybe we should all strive to be a little more like Florida Man.
What a charming thing to do. I’d love to do something similar, but if I started singing in the driveway the neighbors would gather with tar and feathers.
There Are No Atheists in… That’s Not a Foxhole
Rodney Howard-Browne is getting roasted for this on various media platforms, but I think I see what he’s trying to do here: Put a humorous spin on the very old message of “Have faith, and God shall provide.” That said, what in the actual Hell is he doing holding huge services during a pandemic?
Stay. At. Home.
I’m pretty sure God understands.
Being Shut In Is for the Birds or Sometimes Squirrels
2 weeks of isolation and we're out here making picnic tables for squirrels because we're insane pic.twitter.com/8WfHwyJQA4
— Lucy Small (@lucyleid) March 31, 2020
What are you doing to creatively pass the time?
Mostly I’ve been doing two things. The first is the obvious one: Getting to household chores, particularly the organizing challenges that I’d been putting off all winter. The second is playing my favorite World War II strategy game, Hearts of Iron IV, but only as France.
That second one hasn’t killed as much time as I’d hoped.
Finally, Affordable Alligator Shoes
i found florida man shoes. pic.twitter.com/DK9XnMpLeE
— Joshua Caleb (@maneatsdragon) April 1, 2020
Ideally, Florida Man would wear these for each and every one of his court appearances, and probably very little else.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man uses drone to deliver toilet paper amid Coronavirus fears.
But one burning question remains: Is Florida Man a talented enough drone pilot to make a delivery through the tiny window above the toilet in the WC?
Asking for a friend.
K-9s in the Time of COVID-19
Florida woman finds creative new way to walk her dogs https://t.co/nDYEJvS9JV
— In The Know (@InTheKnow) April 2, 2020
The dogs see nothing wrong with this, and neither should you.
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Florida man drove 119 mph, lands in Vermillion Co. Jail. (He had KIDS in the back seat!)
• Florida Woman arrested for intentionally setting fire to Florida Boulevard car wash. (The judges awarded her a 2.5 difficulty multiplier.)
• Florida Man who claims he has COVID-19 spits on officer’s face. (If police announced a statewide policy that officers will spit back, do you think it would put a stop to this stuff?)
After that last one, we can’t get back to our regularly scheduled news nearly fast enough.
The Mother of Invention
Facing a possible shortage of ventilators for #COVID19 patients, a team of doctors and engineers with @ufhealth and @ufwertheim are collaborating on an open-source ventilator that can be built in 15 minutes with $125 worth of parts from the hardware store. pic.twitter.com/AFdum29m4L
— FLORIDA (@UF) March 27, 2020
Now if we can just keep the FDA out of Florida Man’s way, we might really be onto something.
When Seconds Count, the Police Are Just Minutes Away
The Volusia County Sheriff’s Office says 32-year-old Joseph Roberts was shot in the arm early Tuesday morning after breaking into a Deltona home.
He faces four counts of burglary of an occupied dwelling and four counts of criminal mischief.
Officials say Roberts had shattered a front window and climbed into the house occupied by a 42-year-old mother, her three teenage children and three of their friends.
The woman fired one shot, hitting Roberts, and escaped to the backyard with the children.
Fox6 News had the telling detail left out of the AP report I just quoted:
When deputies arrived, the sheriff said they found Roberts in the house — and he had quite an interesting story.
“He told us that the dinosaurs were chasing him and he thought he got some bad weed,” said Chitwood.
Colorado Man would tell you that Chitwood sure didn’t get the good stuff.
Most importantly: Brava to Florida Woman for keeping her cool, making her shot, and getting the kids to safety.
Also Revealed: That Unborn Kid’s Parents Are Idiots
Another good way to reveal the sex of your child is any that doesn’t involve burning down the neighborhood. Phone calls are nice. Even an email would do.
Attention-Whoring in the Time of Corona
So the police had to arrest her when she wouldn’t cooperate, they had to sanitize the entire police cruiser, and now she has to be kept in isolation, in jail, for the length of the quarantine period.
What an absolute waste of everyone’s time and resources.
Stay. At. Home.
News You Can Use
How Florida man measures distance. pic.twitter.com/wfuARoihy4
— Only in Florida (@FloridaCrazyy) April 3, 2020
Cute, but not without its problems.
This is good for dealing with your fellow humans, but even when we aren’t holding a pandemic, you would also want to stay at least one gator’s length away from any gator. But in order to measure that distance, you’d have to get well within one gator’s length of the actual gator in question.
Who knew social distancing could be so complicated, or include so many nasty-looking teeth?
I Don’t Know Art, But I Do Know What I Like
Florida Woman Paints Pictures With Her Breasts That Sell For Up To $400https://t.co/0yfxddO509
This is brilliant, as it allows artist Chelsea Chavis to write off the cost of her implants (I’m reasonably certain those are manmade) without having to work as a stripper.
Please salute anyone who manages to legitimately dodge the IRS and have fun doing it.
Meanwhile, in Washington state…
Washington Man was charged with driving under the influence, reckless driving, hit-and-run, and felony eluding.
Please, everyone knows only cats can drive cars — just not very well.
A story like that one can mean only one thing: Florida Man has just one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next thrilling episode of…
Florida Man Friday!
Unless this whole shutdown thing gives him a few extra weeks or months or whatever. In which case, I hope you’ll enjoy my upcoming special, “Florida Man Organizes His Junk Drawer.”