If you had worried that coronavirus might put a stop to Florida Man… nobody thought that, did they?
Coronavirus might have slowed Florida Man down this last week, but it could not stop him. So join me now on another thrilling (if somewhat abbreviated)…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
@AEWonTNT Here is the Florida Man version of @IAmJericho Judas! Yes I am a professional alligator trainer and would LOVE to be a part of this. #JudasChallenge #WorldWideCrowd #AEWDynamite pic.twitter.com/lrPTXECJnd
— TheGatorCrusaderShow (@gator_crusader) March 24, 2020
I have no idea what I just saw, but I do know it’s Florida Man and I also know I’m going to spend all weekend watching this clip.
1500 Watts of Healing
— New York Post (@nypost) March 23, 2020
Spoiler Alert: Blowing a hairdryer up your nose will not cure coronavirus.
Okeechobee County Commissioner Bryant Culpepper bragged about his background as a paramedic as he hailed the madcap “cure” that he saw “one of the foremost doctors who has studied the coronavirus” reveal on cable TV.
“This sounds really goofy — and it did to me too — but it works,” he told Friday’s meeting of his commission, as caught on video.
“The answer was you use a blow dryer. You hold a blow dryer up to your face and you inhale with your nose and it kills all the viruses in your nose,” he insisted.
“Sometimes the cures for some of these diseases are very simple.”
Pro Tip: Don’t take health advice from Florida Man.
I Hope Peru Is Going to Be OK
Coronavirus: Florida woman stranded in Peru https://t.co/6OonT19wr0
— The Palm Beach Post (@pbpost) March 25, 2020
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
The generous donation was left at the Naples-based Skillets restaurant, on Vanderbilt Beach Road last week, when the customer, who is known to be a regular at the establishment, handed a stack of cash to the manager at the store.
Though staff at the restaurant knew the man by appearance, they don’t know his name and are now trying to track him down. They know he likes to eat on the patio with his laptop on weekdays when the weather is nice, and on weekends he brings his family for brunch.
Unfortunately, staff won’t be able to wait and see if the man returns to dine with them again any time soon, because just one day after he handed over the tip, Gov. Ron DeSantis forced restaurants across the state to close in a bid to tackle the spread of coronavirus.
The tip, therefore came at exactly the right time for the restaurant’s employees. The wad of cash totalled $10,000, and when handing it over the generous stranger said: ‘I want each person in this restaurant to get $500’.
Melissa and I have been doing a lot of takeout during the shutdown and overtipping each time, but this… wow.
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Florida Woman diagnosed with coronavirus tells story: ‘It wasn’t terrible.’ (Not when you grade on the Florida Man Friday curve.)
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news…
Alvin Rementer, 70, reportedly told police in St. Petersburg that he took his 20-year-old Chevrolet Silverado back from the pawn shop he’d sold it to because of fear of the pandemic.
A Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office arrest affidavit alleges Rementer confessed he “freaked out over the ‘corona’ and the overall situation,” driving him to use a spare key to take the truck Saturday around 7 a.m.
Pawnshops buy trucks?
The Heartwarming Story That Has It All
Florida Woman With Black Belt Breaks Boyfriend's Nose For Denying Smash Session, Spits At Paramedic & Says
'I Have Coronavirus!' https://t.co/fqXA8uBaDm
(Splash News) pic.twitter.com/dIJA02sREN
— Bossip (@Bossip) March 24, 2020
Romance! Action! Police! Infectious disease! Spitting at a paramedic!
I had to look up “smash session,” only to find it’s my new least-favorite euphemism for sex, right after “Hokey Pokey.”
Maybe He Was Trying to Wipe His Police Record Clean
“Yamil saw Angel pushing a trash can toward his Honda van,” the arresting officer wrote in the affidavit. “Angel opened the rear of the van and took a trash bag from the trash can and put it in his van. Yamil found it suspicious as to why he put a trash bag in his van and peaked through the window. Yamil noticed the bag was full of unused toilet paper that belonged to the hotel.”
Hernandezcinto was able to execute his alleged toilet paper heist because he worked for a cleaning company that services the hotel. Egipciaco counted the rolls, valued at around $65, and expressed an eagerness to testify against the alleged thief.
I’m not making excuses for anyone stealing anything, particularly something not everyone can find during our Time of Hoarding.
But felony charges for stealing about $65 worth of TP? That’s ridiculous.
“Yamil counted 66 rolls of toilet paper, which are each valued at 99 cents,” the officer wrote. “Yamil wishes to testify in court on behalf of Marriott.”
Don’t Squeeze the Charmin Supplies
The viral video shows a Florida woman who apparently bought every last package of toilet paper, paper towels, and napkins from a Dollar Tree in Pompano Beach. https://t.co/MGePGIEoY6
— Miami New Times (@MiamiNewTimes) March 23, 2020
It’s not what you think:
After the footage went viral with more than three million views on Twitter, Manno provided the Herald with a form indicating that she donated the paper products to Lutheran Service Florida-Lippman Youth Shelter.
You have to read past the part with all the cussing and Donald Trump to get to the real story of generosity during a crisis.
65 Million Years Ago: When Gators Ruled the Earth
— jennie ♡ (@jennieclit) March 26, 2020
I already told you the story of the time, right after we moved to the top of Monument Hill, that my wife interrupted my shower to tell me she couldn’t go to the gym because there was a bear in the garage.
I’d still rather have bears than gators.
Maybe He Was Just Stealing It for a Friend
Deputies said they received a report of a man who put lingerie in a backpack while inside a fitting room at the Merritt Square Mall Tuesday around 5 p.m. and then attempted to leave the store.
The suspect, 29-year-old Ray Ray Long, ran through the store despite the deputy’s commands to stop, records show.
I try not to be judgmental on Florida Man Friday, but if you name your kid Ray Ray Long, it’s almost a given that someday he’s going to get caught stealing women’s underwear.
Meanwhile, in New York City…
— New York Post (@nypost) March 27, 2020
With quarantine in effect and the streets empty, no one was there to stop the carefree cowgirl from straddling the Financial District’s bronze icon.
When she eyed a Post photographer, the bull rider took off with a pal who’d been snapping iPhone photos.
The unsanitary stunt came as US stocks rallied for a third straight day, with the Dow finishing up 1,352 points.
I’m up a few points myself.
I’ll have you note that since they chased the attractive naked lady away, the DOW is down about 600. Just sayin’.
And a story like that out of New York can mean just one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…