Before we get to the good stuff, I need to say something to the people of Twitter. The problem is, I’m not on Twitter anymore, so I’ll say it here and hope it gets passed along.
There’s a certain breed of all-politics-all-the-time twitterers who think they’re being clever when some Florida politician does something they don’t like, and they tag the news with #FloridaMan as though to indicate that the politician they don’t like is on bath salts, drunk, a petty criminal, etc.
But it isn’t clever. It’s been done to death. Please stop.
I had to get that off my chest. Without further ado, let’s dive right into another thrill-a-minute…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
A Florida police department wants you to know that if you have recently purchased any illegal street drugs, you can bring it to their station to get it tested for coronavirus.
The Atlantic Beach Police Department posted the PSA on their Facebook page last week. The tongue-in-cheek post issues a warning that if you recently bought cocaine, meth, heroin, or any other street drugs in their area, it may be contaminated with coronavirus.
The police department goes on to urge those to bring their drugs to the police department for free testing. If you’re uncomfortable going to the police department, police say they will come to you — in the privacy of your own home!
I’ve made a note to look next week and see if Florida Man took up the ABPD on their offer. Because Florida Man.
Would Trigger Like Fries with That?
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) February 27, 2020
According to the report:
Horses are becoming an increasingly common sight at one McDonald’s in LaBelle, Florida.
Sevyn Shock is one of the riders who visits. She recently brought “Honey” to the fast-food chain.
It’s part of training for their horses at HWLM Horsemanship. It stands for, “Her Wild Little Mustang.”
“If their owner wants to take them to an event that’s in town and it’s busy, that’s something we try to get them prepared for,” Shock explains.
Taking the horses to McDonald’s is the last step of their training at the ranch.
I have friends who train service dogs, and from the time those pups are eight weeks old, they’re brought to the office every day. And to restaurants. And dog parks. And they’re walked down busy streets. And more. That way, the pups get accustomed to a wide variety of strange people and places, which will become a vital part of their jobs if they graduate training to become service dogs.
But bringing a horse through the McDonald’s drive-thru to provide a similar experience? I’m lovin’ it.
That’s What They All Say
I don’t judge how people get their jollies, so long as everyone involved is a consenting adult. But in this case, it seems likely to me that the toes involved were incapable of consent.
The best silly crime stories usually involve some unusual substance or some completely illegal substance or someone having too much of those substances or breaking out (or into) jail.
This story has ’em all:
Bricole Reincke, 38, was driving her Ford F-150 on SR80 at nearly half the speed limit. There were about 12 cars behind her truck that couldn’t pass her since it was a no-passing zone.
Deputy Bone of the Hendry County Sheriff’s Office pulled Reincke over to check on her well being, according to an arrest report.
When Bone walked up to the truck, he noticed that Reincke wasn’t able to keep her eyes completely open, was laughing, and couldn’t figure out how to roll the passenger side window down.
Eventually, Reinecke figured out how to roll the window down and once the window was fully rolled down, Sgt. Krasinskas saw red nitrous oxide cartridges in the center console.
Here’s the full inventory:
– 15 to 20 used NO2 cartridges
– One nitrous oxide dispenser with a 9-gram NO2 cartridge inside
– 90 unused NO2 cartridges
– 3 small clear bags filled with cocaine
– 6 pink oval bath salt “pills”
Plus, seven grand in cash.
Florida Woman knows how to party.
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Florida Man Arrested for Practicing Unlicensed Dentistry in Home Again. (Again? Really?)
• Florida Man Arrested For Cow Manure Battery. (I have to admit I didn’t get past the headline on this one. I just couldn’t.)
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news…
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
— WOKV News (@WOKVNews) February 26, 2020
Do you know how much blood your local blood bank has? The answer is almost always: not enough. If you’re eligible to give, please consider doing so — and doing so regularly.
A prime enabler of sneery, anti-poor voyeurism, the Florida Man trope is the result of the state’s Sunshine Act, which gives the media access to crime reports as soon as they happen.
The daily booking report, for example, is posted almost as soon as the felon is jailed
— James Roberts (@jroberts332) March 5, 2020
It is true that we know more about this stuff happening in Florida than we do in other states, thanks to Florida’s insanely great sunshine law, and I’ve reminded FMF readers of that on several occasions.
But “sneery, anti-poor voyeurism?”
We laugh because “it seemed like a good idea at the time” stories are, by their very nature, funny. We get more of these stories out of Florida, so we have Florida Man. It’s all in good fun, and — believe me here — with more of a “there but for the grace of God go I” attitude than any snobbery.
But also because — and I say this as a big fan of Florida — maybe Florida really is a little nuttier than most other states.
Or as this guy put it:
Thank you, Florida. Please, keep being Florida.
With that out of the way, let’s get back to the silliness.
Preppers: The Florida Edition
Florida man getting his groceries. pic.twitter.com/SpmMkuFaa5
— Only in Florida (@FloridaCrazyy) March 6, 2020
I really hope Florida Man walked to the store, because can you imagine trying to drive in that get-up?
Do Not Feed the Gators, Repeat, Do Not Feed the Gators
Not the first time we’ve seen one of these stories and certainly not the last. But I get it, I really do. On the one hand, you don’t want to teach the wild predators that you’re a source of food. On the other hand, those tail-thwapping, scaly, toothy, claw-y gators are just so dang cuddly.
I Get the Why, I Just Don’t Want to Know the How
Florida Woman clogs toilets to help steal from dollar store via /r/FloridaMan https://t.co/BOGenGxg2R
— floridamann (@floridamann11) February 26, 2020
Moving right along…
When You Find Yourself in a Hole, Keep Digging
Any port in a storm, I suppose:
A burglary suspect tried to go underground in his attempt to run from the law in northeast Florida.
The Putnam County Sheriff’s Office arrested 36-year-old Justin Buchler and another man during a burglary investigation in Melrose.
A deputy and his K9 partner, while searching the property, found Buchler throwing dirt on himself, in an effort to hide by burying himself in a nest for a gopher tortoise.
It’s against the law in Florida to mess with the nest of a gopher tortoise.
Don’t mess with endangered tortoises. Seriously, I’m more concerned about the eggs than the burglary, and it isn’t even close.
What a Ride
I’m not including any images with this one for once, because some things are best left to the imagination — if that.
Meanwhile, in Maryland…
Maryland man arrested for allegedly stabbing multiple people with a syringe full of semen.
— Complex (@Complex) February 29, 2020
If you want the full story, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to click all the way over to that other site. There are certain stories I will not tell, not even on Florida Man Friday.
But I will leave you with one final thought.
Maryland Man might be weird or dangerous or some new kind of sicko, but you must admit he’s earned a strange kind of respect. Because you’ve got to be almost inhumanly excited about stabbing people with a syringe in order to fill one full of semen.
And with that… please, Florida Man, I’m begging you not to try and reclaim your crown of glory in time for the next exciting…