By the time you’re finished reading this week’s Florida Man Friday, you’ll have the unsettling feeling in the pit of your stomach that Florida Man took one look at what’s going on in Iowa and said, “I going to up my game — so up yours!”
So remember this: What you are about to see is real; the Florida residents on your screen are not actors. They are genuine citizens who, having been born in or moved to Florida, have been persuaded to drop common sense and pursue a completely YOLO lifestyle, in this forum…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
We have Florida Man Friday because Florida has the sunshineyist sunshine law in the whole country. Florida Man may or may not be any crazier than Colorado Man or Illinois Man (we’ll get to him near the end of FMF), but we sure know a lot more about Florida Man, thanks to the state legislature.
But when I wasn’t looking, did they also enact the country’s strictest truth-in-labeling legislation? If so, Florida Man has followed it to the letter:
The Florida Highway Patrol said they arrested two alleged drug traffickers after troopers pulled them over and found drugs in a bag labeled “Bag Full of Drugs”.
It happened in Santa Rosa County, in the Florida Panhandle, after troopers pulled a vehicle over for speeding on I-10.
“Santa Rosa K-9 Deputies recently assisted FHP on a traffic stop on I-10 where a large amount of narcotics were discovered. Note to self- do not traffic your illegal narcotics in bags labeled “Bag Full Of Drugs”. Our K-9’s can read,” a Facebook post from the Santa Rosa County Sheriff’s Office said.
“Bag Full of Drugs,” now available on seedy street corners all along the Panhandle!
Don’t Tase Me, Hon
The 68-year-old Clearwater, Florida, resident did not react well to husband Thomas Burke’s announcement that he was leaving her after nine years of marriage.
According to the arrest affidavit, during the escalating fight Carr “pulled out a Taser and dry stunned [Burke] several times.” And while Carr “admitted to Tasing her husband,” the document says, she “claims it was in self-defense.”
Despite her explanation, Carr was charged with aggravated domestic battery. She was released from the county jail on Sunday night, after posting a $1,000 bond.
With apologies to Rasputina, if your kisses can’t hold the man you love, your taser won’t bring him back.
Unexpected Headlines, Even in Florida, Which Is Really Saying Something
The details are oh-so-Florida:
The STD-addled rhesus macaques had previously been confined to Silver Springs State Park near Ocala, Florida, but are now being spotted miles away in Jacksonville, St. Johns, St. Augustine, Palatka, Welaka and Elkton, Florida, according to a local ABC affiliate, First Coast News.
Even more worrying: Over a quarter of the 300 feral macaques — an invasive species native to South and Southeast Asia — carry herpes B, according to a 2018 survey, National Geographic reported.
The monkeys were introduced to the area in the 1930s by a local cruise operator, Colonel Tooey’s Jungle Cruise, which released 12 monkeys over a series of years onto a man-made island inside Silver Springs State Park. The monkeys swam to freedom and reproduced at alarming rates and are now wandering around residential areas.
The question on most everyone’s mind is: WHERE DID THEY GET THE HERPES?
But the question on my mind is: What if we trained the herpes-infected monkeys to crave the taste of iguana flesh, let them eat all the invasive iguanas, and then trained the gators to crave monkey flesh?
Speaking of iguanas, it’s time for…
The Return of Florida Iguana Madness
Previously on FMF:
• Florida officials urge residents to kill iguanas.
• Pellet-gun toting iguana-hunter accidentally shoots pool boy.
• PETA urges: If you’re killing iguanas, do it in the “kindest manner possible.”
• South Florida hot tub becomes ‘Porta-Potty’ for iguanas.
• Judge Cicconetti orders Florida man who threw iguana not to go ‘around bragging’ about what he did.
• ‘Falling iguana’ alert issued in Florida due to cold temperatures: ‘Don’t assume that they’re dead.’
• Florida Man hunting iguanas with pellet gun prompts lockdown at 2 nearby schools.
Now who looks crazy for wanting to sic the herpes monkeys on the invading iguanas, huh?
Editor’s Note: There’s a chance Steve has been writing this column too long.
Mugshot of the Week
Plus: “Darrell Bailey, 43, of Mulberry, intentionally swallowed a baggie of meth while deputies attempted to serve a warrant on him for failing to register as a convicted sex offender, according to the Polk County Sheriff’s Office.”
I don’t want to know what happens when Florida Man swallows an entire bag of meth, but I’m starting to suspect how all those monkeys got herpes.
Who Leaves Their Watch in Their Car?
— News Linda (@NewsLinda2) February 5, 2020
“The Hollywood Police Department is now asking the public for help to find a woman (pictured here) who identifies herself as ‘Carolina.'”
Of course she does.
Florida Man Friday: The Home Game
I got “Florida Man Robs Bigfoot of Tuba.” What’d you get?
I Can’t Even; I Literally Can’t Even
Did somebody forget laundry day?
When St. Petersburg police arrived on the scene of a shooting in November, they learned that a man had been shot multiple times and that the suspects had run away to an awaiting car, which took off from the scene.
One of the suspects had run away so fast, apparently, that some of his clothes came off while he was sprinting to the car. Officers found a pair of jean shorts, a sandal and a sock.
On Thursday, nearly three months after the shooting, police made an arrest in the case.
A key piece of evidence? The sock.
Arrest reports say that DNA pulled from that sock matches Octavius Jessie Henderson, 19, of St. Petersburg.
How did DNA get in the sock? It’s like the STD monkeys: You really don’t want to know.
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Florida Woman exposes herself in Naples restaurant, husband asks to go to jail too. (Hopelessly devoted to you…)
• Florida Man Charged With Illegal Super Bowl Drone Flight. (Drone fights are illegal? I thought this was America.)
• Hidden in Florida Woman’s groin were fentanyl, cocaine, meth and pills, says Lee County jail deputy. (It’s always in the first place you look.)
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.
Hungry, Hungry Hippos: Florida Edition
CHOMP!!! 🐊 This invasive Burmese python was no match for our mighty, native American alligator!
With all the news of pythons overwhelming the Everglades ecosystem, it gives us hope to see our native animals fighting back. 💪
Video by Richard Petrosky pic.twitter.com/VzEK0NngQT
— Everglades National Park (@EvergladesNPS) February 2, 2020
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
There’s no way to do this story justice in a silly column like this one, but you can find out more at the link above, and at Waves of Hope’s official website.
The Good Life
107-year-old Florida man still living life to the fullest with fiance and drivers license. https://t.co/Ii9CUCZgIn
— NBC4 Columbus (@nbc4i) February 6, 2020
Florida Man is the greatest.
I’m Pretty Sure Miss Manners Advises Against This
I don’t know who to feel the most horrified for: The birthday kid, the woman who got beaten up, or Florida Woman’s own husband and kids.
You Go Back, Jack, Do It Again
From the report:
“They get a light sentence, they come right back out into our community and they start committing crimes again. Back in jail… Light sentence. So it takes several convictions for them to even make it to prison. So we already see on a local level how important it is to keep these criminals off the streets,” said Manatee County Sheriff Rick Wells.
It’s almost as though there’s some kind of incentive to continue being a screwup.
Meanwhile, in Illinois…
‘I have the Coronavirus’: Illinois Man wearing sign sprays Lysol on merchandise at Walmart.
Get well soon, Illinois Man — Florida Man needs the competition, if he’s going to regain his crown of glory in time for next week’s exciting edition of…