Every Friday starts the same way for me. I hit the snooze button exactly once before putting on my robe, grabbing a cup of coffee, stumbling my way upstairs to the office, waking up my computer, and then wondering if this is the Friday when Florida Man will let me down.
The day may come when Florida Man fails to amuse, but it is not this day.
In other words, welcome to another thrill-a-minute…
Florida Man Friday!
We’ll begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
There are times when even the most heartfelt “Oops!” won’t cut it. This is one of those times:
Arrest reports detail how police say the incident unfolded near the intersection of Gulfport Boulevard and 49th Street S at about 8:45 p.m. Wednesday night.
When it was over, Donald Steven Dugray, 20, was arrested on multiple charges, including attempted carjacking.
Gulfport police tried to stop Dugray on his bicycle that night for a light violation, but he took off and crashed into a sergeant’s cruiser. When Dugray hit the ground, a gun fell out of his waist band, reports state.
He picked up the gun and ran away from police, then tossed the gun onto the roof of a nearby diner. Officers later recovered the revolver, which had five rounds in it, reports state.
As Dugray was running from police, an undercover officer was moving into the area to help. As the officer opened the door of his vehicle, Dugray grabbed it and leaned into it “as if he was attempting to get into the vehicle and pull (the officer) out,” an arrest report states.
Hats off to Florida Man, for breaking pretty much all of the laws in one evening.
Does this really call for an arrest? I report, you decide:
Largo police arrested 68-year-old Sylvia Shumaker on Friday. She faces a charge of misusing the 911 system.
Investigators said she texted 911 dispatchers six times from her personal cell phone. Police said they had already responded to her home to address her complaint about her husband, which was a non-criminal incident.
Actually, it seems there might be a method to Florida Woman’s madness. I’m pretty sure if the police came to arrest my wife after repeatedly texting them for divorce advice, I’d go ahead and file the paperwork myself.
Mugshot of the Week
The weirdest part? His clothes were all Brooks Brothers.
Disney World: The Scrappiest Place on Earth
Fam, what Disney Experience is this? Minnie is part of the WWE now? 😳 pic.twitter.com/1nrt8zyEFB
— April is in LA (@ReignOfApril) January 29, 2020
Don’t mess with Minnie Mouse.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes; Some Wear Flip-Flops
Three Florida Men rescue woman who crashed into West Palm Beach canal.
This is really something. Please watch the whole thing.
The Mother and Child Reunion Is Only a Rap Sheet Away
The family that — well, you know.https://t.co/l7A0ElX18U
— WNDU (@WNDU) January 29, 2020
Give Florida Mom some credit. She’s not one of those “Do as I say, not as I do” types.
Chew on This
So the report says that Florida Man sent his sister to pick up his new dentures, but the office told her they couldn’t release them to anyone but Florida Man himself. Naturally, this resulted in a threatening phone call from Florida Man, because Florida Man.
News Brief: Only in Florida
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.
How about this plan for eternal peace in the #MiddleEast?
You don't like it right?
So don't expect the peoples of this region to like either.
No..it won't happen.#DealOfTheCenturyDisaster pic.twitter.com/kxDYVDeeSS
— Marwa Osman || مروة عثمان (@Marwa__Osman) January 29, 2020
I don’t know much about peace in the Middle East (actually, I do… VIP-only link!), but I don’t think we’re going to achieve it by letting the Palestinians steal Florida.
Can a Guy in a Bunny Suit Catch a Break?
Florida Man famous for breaking up fight in Bunny costume arrested for Altamonte Springs hit-and-run.
Yes, Florida Man was wearing the bunny suit (again) during the hit-and-run.
At what point does Florida Man become Furry Guy? Asking for a friend.
Truth in Advertising
Florida man keeping it classy. pic.twitter.com/nj5U3Wp608
— Only in Florida (@FloridaCrazyy) January 28, 2020
Now strap in tight because it’s time for…
The Return of Florida Iguana Madness
Previously on FMF:
• Florida officials urge residents to kill iguanas.
• Pellet-gun toting iguana-hunter accidentally shoots pool boy.
• PETA urges: If you’re killing iguanas, do it in the “kindest manner possible.”
• South Florida hot tub becomes ‘Porta-Potty’ for iguanas.
• Judge Cicconetti orders Florida man who threw iguana not to go ‘around bragging’ about what he did.
• ‘Falling iguana’ alert issued in Florida due to cold temperatures: ‘Don’t assume that they’re dead.’
— New York Post (@nypost) January 31, 2020
What has happened to the Florida I know and love, where a man can go on an iguana killing spree without causing a big commotion?
Words Alone Can Never Express How Much I Love This Story
The details, they are glorious:
It all began in December when 32-year-old John Wayne Parker Jr. was convicted of an aggravated assault charge in Palatka and given an ankle monitor to track his movement. In order to keep up with his payments, Parker decided to return to crime.
He began by stealing cigarettes from Hitchcock’s on Jan. 20. Two days later, he stole some drills, batteries and other items from work vehicles at a business on Masters Road.
While PCSO was investigating these crimes, they were informed that some guy named “John” was trying to get some money to pay for his ankle monitor. At this point, deputies looked at Parker’s movements and found that he was at Hitchcock’s at the time of the burglary.
And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for that meddling ankle tracker he was trying to pay for.
Florida Man Meets Dutch Boy, Hilarity Ensues
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) January 25, 2020
Before now, no one has ever even thought the words I am about to type: Wouldn’t you love to have been at that HOA meeting?
Meanwhile, in Texas…
According to the Austin Police Department, the call came in around 1:10 p.m. on Monday at South First Street and West St. Elmo Road. A suspect named Antonio Gomez was arrested and taken to the Travis County Jail.
Upon speaking with Gomez, police said he told them he was trying to get away from dogs that were chasing him. He then jumped down from the pole without hesitation and was seen by medics on site.
Police said he admitted to using methamphetamine but he did not display any violent behavior other than “being extremely paranoid about dogs biting him.”
Oh. So it was just drugs, and not a pack of bitey dogs. What a shame.
Still, a story like this one can mean only one thing. Florida Man has just one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next thrill-a-minute…