Florida Man parties like the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists moved the Doomsday Clock forward every day. To prove it, this week we have gravity-impaired iguanas, a naked getaway, vicious attack squirrels, Google mind rays, and inspiring stories of how Florida residents are bravely coping with temperatures dropping all the way down into the weenie-shrinking 30s.
All on another action-packed…
Florida Man Friday!
We’ll begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
“One beer,” you’re thinking. “That’s what they always say to the cop. And the cop always knows better.”
Yes, but this time the cop knew way too all much more than he wanted to know:
Jeffrey Allen Bowman, 51, who lives at 39830 Whisper Wood Lane, was getting into a gray Nissan Altima Tuesday afternoon at a local restaurant when a witness contacted law enforcement to report that Bowman appeared to be intoxicated, according to an arrest report from the Lady Lake Police Department. He was pulled over in the area of Lake Griffin Road. It took him four blocks to pull over, the report noted.
Bowman was “very unsteady” and grabbed the side of his vehicle for support. Despite his slurred speed and difficulty standing, Bowman maintained that he had consumed only one beer.
He refused to take part in field sobriety exercises and would not provide a breath sample. It appeared Bowman had “defecated in his pants,” the arresting officer wrote in the report.
There’s a thin blue line between normal Florida people and Florida people who literally poop their pants from being so drunk.
Or Maybe This Is the Most Florida
Man Woman Story Ever
There is some NSFW language in this video, and by “some” I mean pretty much almost all the language. You might be shocked to learn that Florida Woman was previously arrested in 2018 for resisting an officer without violence.
I mean, without?
A Helpful Reminder
Saturday is National Florida Day!☀️🌴☀️🌴 pic.twitter.com/dNjWWhX3ef
— Brian Shields (@BrianWFTV) January 24, 2020
Don’t do anything Florida Man wouldn’t do. I swear I have that list around here somewhere…
Florida Man Tax Scam Update
You might remember the case last year of Florida Man Ramon Christopher Blanchett, who filed a false tax return that netted him a $980,000 refund on income of less than $19,000. Which, really, is nice work if you can get it.
What he got was three years in jail.
The story says Blanchett is a “part-time DJ and community college student,” which does make it seem a bit unlikely that he’d earned enough for a million-dollar refund. I admire his entrepreneurial spirit, and hope he’ll make it far — by legal means — after his release.
A Worthy Cause
A #Florida woman has a simple message for motorists who pass her alongside a busy roadway. "I just want bigger #boobs, because I'm not happy with the ones that I have," Christina Andrews told a Pensacola TV station…The sign she holds…"Not Homeless Need Boobs." WPBF 8-9-13 pic.twitter.com/JQn4hGY4dB
— raizin * Head Loon & Sous-chef of the absurd (@TheBuffaloon) January 19, 2020
This item is actually a Florida Flashback from 2013, which for whatever reason (prurient, I’m sure) was all over my FMF feed this morning. So I did a little investigating (for the children, of course) to see if Florida Woman had gotten the help she needed, but found nothing.
Our attention spans in this country are so tragically short these days.
It’s the Return of Florida Iguana Madness
Previously on FMF:
• Florida officials urge residents to kill iguanas.
• Pellet-gun toting iguana-hunter accidentally shoots pool boy.
• PETA urges: If you’re killing iguanas, do it in the “kindest manner possible.”
• South Florida hot tub becomes ‘Porta-Potty’ for iguanas.
• Judge Cicconetti orders Florida man who threw iguana not to go ‘around bragging’ about what he did.
But all that was mere prologue to today’s chilling news:
Anyone who watches as many bad horror movies as I do knows you never, ever assume that they’re dead. Particularly not when they’re half-frozen tree-borne iguanas.
Florida’s cold snap is so severe, that the nightclubs on Key West have gone from closing out last call with “It’s Raining Men” to “It’s Raining Semi-Frozen Kinda-Hibernating Iguanas.”
The Horror… The Horror…
This next story reminds me of that mild earthquake in northern Virginia a few years ago, when some people clearly lost their minds over very little.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes; Some Wear Flip-Flops
That’s enough iguana-related news for one week, yes?
The Struggle Is Real
I’m reminded of this ancient bit of wisdom, too often forgotten: “Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Miami police captain Javier Ortiz suspended after claiming he’s black. (Seriously, this guy makes Ted Cruz look like Danny Trejo.)
• Stray bullet hits Florida Woman, age 80, in the leg while she was inside watching TV, cops say. (To be fair, this one could more easily have been Iraqi Woman.)
• Florida Man Arrested And Charged For Secretly Recording Adults Using His Bathroom; Uploading To Internet. (I sat on an El Paso County, Colorado jury once where something like this was one of the charges, so don’t ask me why I drink.)
• Florida Woman, Daughter Get Prison Time For $1.4M Psychics Scam Involving Snake Embryos. (Why did it have to be snakes?)
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.
So Sayeth the Google
Florida Man tries to break into occupied car at a stop light because "Google told me that it was my day and that I could have anything I wanted without paying". Also, he's a registered sex offender https://t.co/nGENT9NROv pic.twitter.com/DRah0zHwvL
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) January 24, 2020
When was the last time Google told you it was your day and that you could have anything you want without paying? Their results are totally rigged, you can tell.
One of My Exes Lives in
Florida Woman collides with the same train multiple times. She crashed, backed up, and crashed again. She then reversed again, crashing into a cop car chasing her. She was later arrested for fleeing the same crash scene multiple times. https://t.co/pMJ2gtQ1v9 pic.twitter.com/Mt2g5oPZ9w
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) January 19, 2020
Reign of Terror
The squirrels found a way into Annie Peavey’s Tampa rental condo through a hole outside the property in December.
The hole was later sealed by the HOA, trapping the squirrels inside, according to a report by WFLA.
Since then, the rodents have been running amok, destroying Peavey’s furniture and damaging the paint on the walls, not to mention her peace of mind.
Peavey lives with her 9-year-old son and was concerned for his safety as the squirrels were becoming more aggressive, WFLA reported.
The call of the wild is coming from inside the house…
Maybe He Thought It Wouldn’t Count If He Was Already Arrested
Florida Man punches deputy multiple times in face: VIDEO via /r/FloridaMan https://t.co/FVGshXCVl8
— floridamann (@floridamann11) January 24, 2020
Spoiler: It still counts.
Worst #MeToo Story Ever
Florida Woman who stalked her neighbor uses a hammer to smash up property.
In Florida Woman’s defense… nah, I got nothin’.
Mic Drop, Florida Style
— Craig Pittman (@craigtimes) January 23, 2020
Meanwhile, on the Other Side of the World…
If you feel the need to click the link and get the full details, then by all means, do. But I won’t post them here; I just can’t.
But I will say this much.
Every time I see some Stupid Kids Did Some Stupid Thing headline, I think back to some very similar and just as stupid thing I did back when I was a stupid kid. “There’s nothing new under the sun,” I say, “especially when it comes to young people with too little sense and too much free time.” There, even with the grace of God, went I.
But what TikTok users are doing? No, never. Didn’t even consider it. Never had the …what, imagination?… to even think it up without considering it.
And I don’t know how he’s going to do it, but I have faith that somehow, someway, Florida Man will have reclaimed his crown of glory in time for the next exciting…