Longtime Florida Man Friday readers know I like to begin each week with a cute little introduction, maybe something on a personal note, maybe reminding you that most Florida Men and Women seem to have come from other states, or that Florida’s insanely bright sunshine law makes the state seem even crazier than it actually is. Which is saying something. But there’s just so much material to get through today, that I’m going to skip the cute intro and get right to the good stuff.
So without further ado, welcome to another thrill-a-minute…
Florida Man Friday
We’ll begin, as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman, actually. And if that’s not a woman, then medical science has advanced much further than previously known.
— Tommy in Hialeah (@Dolphinfan201) January 15, 2020
Does Florida Woman know you’re not allowed to meet your husband/boyfriend/lover at the gate anymore? It’s a shame, I know. Because if there’s one thing better than being greeted at the door by someone wearing nothing but a smile, it’s being greeted at the gate after a long flight by someone wearing nothing but a smile. And a couple of garters.
Er, so I would assume.
That aside, in total fairness to Florida Woman, she is far more attractive than most of the people who insist on getting naked in public.
BONUS: She’s not actually from Florida, but Florida’s powers are so strong that anyone can become Florida Woman or Florida Man within minutes of arriving in the Sunshine State. True story.
Crime of the Century of the Week
The farce is strong with this one:
A 29-year-old Vero Beach man was arrested at 11:10 p.m. Jan. 8 on a charge of possession of controlled substance after the headgear hullabaloo.
An Indian River County sheriff’s deputy reported stopping a bicycle without lights in the area of 17th Lane Southwest and 20th Avenue Southwest.
The 29-year-old bicyclist allowed deputies to search him.
In the brim of his hat, investigators reported finding “a white powdery substance” in cellophane cigarette packaging.
The bicyclist said he was unaware of the items in his hat.
His hat was just holding it for a friend’s hat.
It just goes to show the wisdom of that ancient Abyssinian proverb: If you’re going to bicycle at night without a safety light, never wear your cocaine hat.
Florida Man Doesn’t Know Art, But He Knows What He Likes
Street art in St. Petersburg. I’m at a loss for words. Caption this. pic.twitter.com/5CsyNbI6kG
— Erik Stolhanske (@ErikStolhanske) January 16, 2020
I suspect those aren’t real.
I Hate It When That Happens
Squirrels invade Florida condo, drives family ‘nuts.’
Back in the early days of PJTV, I’d often put my Golden on his tiedown by the basement door when we were taping shows. Otherwise, Xander would tend to come over and plop his massive Golden skull on my lap while I was trying (and often failing) to sound all clever and smart. One time, we were just getting ready to tape when Xander, outside on his tiedown, started barking and snarling like crazy. Super loud, super aggressive — totally unlike his usually sweet Golden self.
So I told the director there would be a short delay while I brought my dog back inside. But mostly I wanted to see what the heck had him so worked up.
Once I got outside, there was my backyard neighbor Carl, patroling with what was either a pellet rifle or maybe a baby .22. My memory is a little fuzzy on that point. I must have looked at him strangely, but no more strangely than he looked at me, wearing a suit jacket, dress shirt, and tie — and a pair of completely worn-out Levi 501s. (PJTV usually only shot me sitting and from the waist up, so why get the suit pants all wrinkled?)
As I was getting Xander calmed down, Carl kind of shrugged and said, “There’s squirrels been getting into my attic, and they’re driving me nuts. You don’t mind, do you?”
“Mind?” I said. “If you want to do my yard next, there’s no bag limit.”
So I’m sure Carl empathizes completely with Florida Family, and I’ll support any action they want to take to be rid of the fluffy-tailed tree rats.
Your Daily Affirmation
Florida man vs NYC homeless man on drugs.. I’d pay to see that fight
— Raquel 🇷🇺 △⃒⃘ ⚯͛ (@R_Kharkov28) January 16, 2020
Who do you think would win?
Security Theater, Florida Style
This is less funny than it first appears:
A 15-year-old girl told police she used a drink coupon she found on the floor at Orlando International Airport to pass through the TSA security checkpoint, but TSA officials said she made it through with someone else’s boarding pass.
According to a report from the Orlando Police Department, the 15-year-old girl, who has autism, had been reported missing last Thursday. She was found the next day at the airport.
The girl told detectives she had taken buses from Apopka to the airport, the report said.
She then told officers she found a drink coupon on the floor and used it to get through the TSA precheck security checkpoint, the report said.
I’m glad she’s OK, and am heartened to know that TSA for once isn’t entirely useless.
Worst. Drivers. Ever
WATCH: Florida man seen yesterday driving a mini-cooper into a train. pic.twitter.com/om5KI1pTF1
— Trump/AY Warrior 🧢🇺🇲 ( A.K.A. Manny) (@trumpwarrior45) January 16, 2020
— WKBN 27 First News (@WKBN) January 16, 2020
Driving in Colorado Springs is just awful. We have a dangerous mix of Air Force types who believe speed is life, Army guys who drive everything like it’s a tank, ex-Californians who think four-wheel-drive means four-wheel-braking on icy roads, and a driver’s test where the most difficult question is “Do you have a pulse?” And there’s no wrong answer.
I’ve sworn for years that southern Colorado has the worst drivers in America, but I think maybe Florida Driver wins this week.
Florida Woman Is Da Bomb
Police say she also had “pistol powder, knives, hatchets, nunchucks, BB pellet rifles and handguns and books and DVDs on murder, mass killing, bomb-making and domestic terrorism.”
I saw going to say we really dodged a bullet when she was arrested, but clearly we dodged a lot more than just one bullet.
Florida Woman Is Da Bomb, Part II
A Florida woman is facing charges after she went into a Walmart, got items from the shelves and started making an explosive device inside the store, authorities say https://t.co/77iP1UaFmD
— CNN (@CNN) January 16, 2020
And, she did it with 12 items or less.
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Doctors find maggot ‘deeply embedded’ in Florida Woman’s groin. (I might never sleep again.)
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.
This Could Have Been Much Worse for Florida Woman
This Florida woman found what she thought was an old plate lying on the beach, but the truth turned out to be a bit more explosive.
For months, she chipped away at the shells and barnacles crusted onto its surface — until she realized it was a landmine. https://t.co/tIs2hFNDfA
— CNN (@CNN) January 10, 2020
Who has been mining Florida’s beaches, and why?
Another Bullet Dodged, Plus Knife, Axe, and Machete
Iranian national, but still: Florida.
Another story which raises more questions than it answers. Like, what was he doing with $22 grand in cash, and where did it come from?
His Mistake Was Breathing
Florida man tries to avoid arrest by hiding underwater in a pond, gets caught when he comes up for air https://t.co/sLtFATXc0a
— Newsweek (@Newsweek) January 16, 2020
If the next time you visit Florida every meth dealer you see is carrying a snorkel, now you know why.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes; Some Wear Flip-Flops
It’s the same guy from the last big disaster in PR:
Brevard County resident Joe Hurston of Air Mobile Ministries is familiar with disaster. After Hurricane Maria ravaged Puerto Rico, he used his plane to fly in supplies in generators.
“What happens in an earthquake is it breaks those water lines up underground,” Hurston said. “Now you’ve got all these broken lines that you’re mixing sewage in if you’re getting any water pressure at all.”
Now he’s flying back to survey the damage and get his water purifiers up and running for the island.
Bravo, Florida Man. Bravo.
Is It Just Me, Or Are Crooks Getting Lazier?
Police need help finding a suspected thief wearing “hover shoes.” Footage shows the man gliding through the aisles of a Walmart in Florida, picking up various items before leaving the store without paying. https://t.co/vkx2zYVoj3 pic.twitter.com/8TJtwPx8q4
— ABC News (@ABC) January 15, 2020
Nope, it isn’t just me.
Meanwhile, in Texas…
Look at these two. It’s difficult to imagine them having enough gumption to get aggressive with each other playing Fortnite on their PS4.
A man and woman were arrested after a sword fight Thursday night at an apartment complex in Buda, according to a city spokesperson.
Police officers went to the Carrington Oak Apartments for reports of a “physical disturbance on Jan. 9 around 9:35 p.m.
Once on scene, Joshua Rothman, 28, and Kelsey White, 25, admitted to officers to being in a fight where they swung a sword at each other with the intent to hit the other, the city says.
You get the feeling this one isn’t over yet? Maybe some thoughts and prayers for Texas Woman wouldn’t be amiss.
Still, you know what a story like this means: Florida Man has just one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting edition of…