The VodkaWife and I call the last two months of the year “The Crazy Season.” It kicks off with Halloween, a holiday which we do not take lightly, before quickly moving into Melissa’s birthdayweek. Yes, birthdayweek. There’s a dinner at home and a dinner out and a dinner with friends and a dinner with family. And as our boys get older, they want to do something special for Mom, too. It adds up. Then comes Thanksgiving, and on the odd-numbered years when it isn’t our turn to host, we still have to roast the patented Backup Turkey™ that guarantees everyone gets to bring home enough leftovers. Then there’s Christmas, which is far more involved than even Halloween. Three days later is our older son’s birthday, which means we have about 48 hours to make all the Christmas decorations disappear so that his birthday doesn’t feel like Christmas leftovers. Three days after that we throw a huge New Year’s bash, involving a DJ, a dance floor, professional bartenders, and some big theme involving tons more decorations. So you see why we call it the Crazy Season.
But what does all this have to do with Florida Man, you might ask.
After the Crazy Season ends, Melissa and I turn into hermits for six weeks. We pretty much go nowhere and do nothing until Valentine’s Day rolls around.
But not Florida Man. If you had feared that perhaps he was too exhausted to get up to his usual hijinks — fear not! Because today I have for you another action-packed…
Florida Man Friday!
This might in fact be our biggest FMF Friday ever, so without further ado we’ll begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
I suppose this is one way to be the king:
According to an arrest affidavit obtained by The Smoking Gun, Delellis became agitated when Burger King employees told him the order wasn’t ready yet.
“The defendant walked outside and picked up an approximately 3 foot in height hard cigarette ash tray and swung it at the front doors,” the Clearwater Police Department report said.
A Burger King employee reportedly walked outside and told the delivery driver to leave the premises, but Delellis allegedly continued his rampage and hit the employee in the face with his hand.
Remember, kids: Smoking is bad for you and for those around you.
What Is It with Florida and Fast Food Joints?
— New York Post (@nypost) January 7, 2020
I was struggling to come up with some kind of witty response, but then I saw this in the replies:
Nude, Lewd, and Totally Rude
You might be thinking this is just a run-of-the-mill public exposure incident, which oftentimes is nothing more serious than someone using an alley for a little relief after last call.
But this is Florida, man:
According to a news release posted on the Westbrook Police Department’s Facebook page, officers responded at 12:07 p.m. to a report of a man exposing himself to customers at a business in Westbrook Commons. The Commons is a cluster of businesses located on Main Street, across from Portland Pie Co.
By the time officers arrived, the man had gone to another business and allegedly was doing the same thing. When he spotted police, he fought with the officers and “attempted to grab one of their guns,” the news release said.
The officers took the suspect into custody with assistance from two passers-by, police said.
You know what Florida police call it when a guy waving his penis around at strangers then tries to grab your gun and requires assistance from two civilians to subdue?
Do Not Tell Florida Woman What She Cannot Do
Alexzandria Wolliston said her doctor told her that she had better chances of winning the lottery than delivering two sets of twins in the same year. https://t.co/xXxQUq6Itt
— NBC News (@NBCNews) January 9, 2020
Wow. Impressive work, Florida Woman!
Although I am reminded of the old Rita Rudner line about her friend who was in labor for 36 hours: “I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”
Product Placement, Florida Style
HE'S BACK! Florida Man has returned with a new liquid and a new can, just in time for the new year. And this time, he's here to stay. 🐊🍻 pic.twitter.com/NikTyZ9tqa
— Cigar City Brewing (@CigarCityBeer) January 4, 2020
A double-IPA is about 1.5 times too much IPA for my tastes, but it sounds just about right for Florida Man.
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Florida Man pleads guilty to his part in a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines to the U.S. (Not again!)
• Florida Woman Recovering After Being Shot by Celebratory Gun Fire. (What goes up must come down — why is this so hard?)
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.
Being Florida Man Is Thirsty Work
The last line of this report just gets me:
Bay County deputies were called to the Re-Rack Bar in Panama City on Friday morning after a reported burglary.
Lee attempted to get into the business even though it was closed, deputies said. When he couldn’t get in, he allegedly drove his truck through the front glass and went in.
Once inside the bar, Lee got a Dr. Pepper from the cooler, sat at a table in the bar and proceeded to enjoy the beverage, deputies said.
You wonder if they let him finish?
That Headline Should Read ‘Routine Traffic Stop’
— New York Post (@nypost) January 8, 2020
She’d never seen that cocaine before, she was holding it for a friend, and anyway she says she stole the car.
Sheriff's Office issues 'Not my pants' public service announcement https://t.co/asetoAA7eT
— Rachel Mullen (@rachelfromohio) January 4, 2020
This one is actually out of Ohio, but it applies to any state in the union… twice in Florida.
It Was an Honest Mistake
According to the report, Florida Woman “meant to throw water on the landlord but got confused and tossed excrement at her,” instead.
Let those among us who have not mistaken a bucket of water and a bucket of fresh human feces in our trailer cast the first — well, the second — bucket of fresh human feces.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida teen rescues family from burning home https://t.co/cXaU9ZJl1Y
— NBC2 (@NBC2) January 8, 2020
“The teenager is in a lot of pain, having fought smoke inhalation and bad burns, but said he doesn’t regret it.”
We’re just going to let that story stand all by itself.
News You Can Use
“What’s your point? Neither does a plumber’s pants,” Florida Woman didn’t say. Unfortunately.
Chutzpah, Thy Name Is Florida Man
A homeless guy with literally nothing to lose had to figure it was worth a shot, plus all those bonus points for creativity.
Oops, I Did It Again
A Florida man accused of trying to extort a car dealership in May now faces a slew of new felonies after allegedly posing as two federal prosecutors in an attempt to clear himself of the charges, authorities saidhttps://t.co/D4aSuuocpq
— The Daily Beast (@thedailybeast) January 8, 2020
Is this the hip new thing for Florida Man?
They’d Like to Speak with the Manager
I get mad when the soup of the day runs out right when I sit down, too.
Florida Women Drivers
— Chris 🇺🇸 (@Chris_1791) January 10, 2020
How do you think Florida Woman figured that might even work?
Florida Women Drivers II
— NewExpressNews (@NewExpressNews) January 6, 2020
I swear, the pool just jumped out of nowhere.
Florida Women Drivers III
— FOX8 WGHP (@myfox8) January 4, 2020
I feel like Captain America right now: “I could do this all day.”
Agent Lucas White wrote that shortly after Trump announced last week that a US airstrike had killed Qassem Soleimani in Iraq in retaliation for plotting numerous terrorist attacks, [Chauncy] Lump, under the name “BlackMan vs. America,” began livestreaming a seven-minute video on Facebook.
During that video, agents say, Lump made several threats against the president — who was staying at his Mar-a-Lago club, less than an hour away — while periodically displaying a loaded AK-47 semi-automatic rifle.
Lump had white cream on his face, a towel wrapped like a turban on his head, an apparent shower curtain over his body. [Emphasis added, because seriously, WTF?]
I’m sure that Suleimani misses Lump’s help even more than he misses his own life right now.
“Alexa, how can I get away with stealing from old people?”
Florida man arrested after Amazon Alexa alerts family to suspected theft at assisted living facility https://t.co/iKlhvr10xG
— Newsweek (@Newsweek) January 10, 2020
Can’t anyone get away with anything anymore?
Meanwhile, in Mississippi…
I’m going to quibble with one word in this story. Let’s see if you can spot which one:
The men, Odis Latham, 47, and Russell Sparks, 48, both of Columbus, were arrested Monday and charged with uttering a counterfeit instrument over $1,000 and conspiracy, Flowood police Sgt. Adam Nelson said. Latham was also charged with false identification information.
The Mississippi Lottery Corp. called Flowood police about the fake ticket around 9:20 a.m. Monday, Nelson said.
Lottery officials told police that the men presented an altered $100,000 ticket that appeared to have the winning numbers glued onto it. The ticket was signed and presented for payment, police said.
“Conspiracy” seems a little grandiose for this particular crime, doesn’t it?
Whatever the case, a story like can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown in time for the next exciting…