Florida Man Friday: The Hurricane Dorian Prepper Edition

Not all men are fit to be Florida Man. Florida wildlife includes meth-crazed alligators, cockroaches that would make a grizzled New Yorker scream like a little girl, an invading army of iguanas, and mosquitoes the size of traffic helicopters. Then there's the weather, which cycles between hot and muggy and hotter and muggier, plus the occasional Cat 5 hurricane. The state is inhabited by a combustive mix Yankees who think they can stand the heat, foreigners from every corner (???) of the globe unaccustomed to Florida's ways, and locals who have been around long enough to laugh at it all.

And Florida Man Friday is the day everyone gets to laugh at it all.

This FMF is extra special because we get to laugh a little easier, now that the threat of Dorian has passed. We expected the worst, prepared for the worst, and got...

...well, let's take a look at what we got.

Meet the Guy Who Diverted Hurricane Dorian

The science is settled. Er... unsettling?

Do you know what this Colorado Man thinks when there's this much ice available? That's right: A container ship filled with the world's largest margarita.

It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

Pro Tip: Next hurricane season, try upgrading to those heavy-duty shower curtains.

And If You Thought That Florida Woman Was a Little Cray-Cray...

Another Pro Tip: Don't over-cinch the tie-downs, or you could crush your whole house.

It Is Better to Over-Prepare Than to Under-Prepare, Exhibit C

One More Pro Tip: A lightweight chair set on top of a folding table makes an excellent work ladder.

(Please don't do any of these things. Prepare your home properly, I beg you.)

Here I Am, Rock You Like a Hurricane

If I could grow up all over again, this is the man -- the Florida Man -- I'd want to be.

Important Safety Tip, Thanks, Florida Woman

She's still 4,000% more in control of her faculties than the Florida Man with the tiny little sandbags, standing on the chair sitting on top of the table.

News Brief: Only in Florida

Surfers help rescue woman who jumped from Jacksonville Beach Pier

Florida Man Got Into An Argument With A Woman, So He Grabbed A Turkey Sandwich And Threw It At Her

Burglar breaks into man's house to cook himself breakfast, officials say

This Week in Florida History: Florida Man Attacks Mom's Boyfriend with Samurai Sword over Can of Missing Shrimp

Now That's Smart

Photo courtesy Jessica Eldridge

Florida man parks Smart car in kitchen over fear Hurricane Dorian would blow it away.

Isn't That Marianne Williamson?

And you thought the guy with the Air Force planes and the ice-bearing Navy ships had it all figured out.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back in the... Pool

That's right: It's Hurrigator!

Florida Man of the Year

Those aren't tears. Dorian just blew some saltwater droplets on my face is all.

And that's it for the special Hurricane Dorian Prepper Edition, but do come back next week for another thrilling...

...Florida Man Friday!