Florida Man Friday Saves the First Amendment

Life was hard in the American West of old. Water could be scarce, infrastructure was non-existant, the natives were sometimes deadly, and the law could be hours or even days away. But hard times breed hard people, and the people who settled the West tamed the West. What was once a wild frontier soon grew into America's economic engine of resource production and technological innovation.

Life can be hard in modern Florida, too. Think of the sweltering heat, streets built on top of sinkhole sands, Yankee immigrants who think they can wrestle alligators, and foreign tourists determined to cut in front of you in line at Hollywood Studios. And yet, Florida Man not only survives, but thrives. Could it be that Florida Man will stand at the forefront of the next great American Renaissance?

Let's dig into the headlines and find out, on another exciting...

Florida Man Friday

We'll begin as we always do with...

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)

380-pound Florida man arrested after hiding drugs in belly button.

More:

Martin Skelly, 41, of St. Petersburg was busted early Saturday after he reportedly showed up to a McDonald’s in Clearwater with a drug-filled needle.

Investigators found a 28-gauge needle on Skelly, and he was arrested on charges of possession of methamphetamine, The Smoking Gun reported, citing an arrest affidavit.

Police searched Skelly before he was booked at Pinellas County Jail.

It's always in the last place you look, but I'm thinking I must be a horrible person for wondering if it was a two-man job to get to that guy's belly button.

Quit Monkeying Around Up There

The report says that Florida Man "was possibly dealing with mental health issues and/or appeared to be dealing with the effects of some substance." I say, embrace the healing power of "and." Florida Man "has not yet been identified and has not been charged with anything," which makes me think maybe there was something more wrong than just a bad batch of bath salts.

I hope Florida Man Gets the help he needs. As for Florida Woman, she's feeling friskier than usual, as you're about to see.

He Asked Florida Woman If She Wanted to Grab a Bite...

Multiple times? I'm thinking after the second or third bite, I'd be asking the waiter to bring the check around, and maybe a tetanus shot.

Narrator: He Was Not Brad Pitt

Police: Man identified himself as ‘Brad Pitt’ during arrest.

Heh:

According to police, they spotted the suspect ransacking a vehicle and going through the car’s center console.

When police approached and detained the suspect, the owner of the vehicle said he didn’t know the man and that he didn’t give him permission to be inside it.

Police said the man didn’t want to tell the officers his real name and proceeded to give them fake names, such as Brad Pitt, Nancy Pelosi, Marco Rubio and even Donald Trump.

When police questioned him, the man said he was under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

"Or?" As in, he couldn't remember which?

By the way, police eventually were able to establish his true identity: Florida Man.

Florida Woman Will Have to Literally Stand Trial

The scene in my head is right out of one of Elmore Leonard's more absurd novels.

This Is Only Cool When Led Zeppelin Does It

(Mugshot courtesy o local authorities.)

Florida Men break into new Fernandina Beach hotel, do $500,000 damage.

Based on the mugshot, this is definitely a "it seemed like a good idea at the time" kind of guy.

This Florida Woman Story Comes with a Three-Hanky Warning

Longtime readers know I'm a sucker for a good animal story, even in Florida, where the animals can be palmetto bugs the size of miniature poodles, or meth-addled alligators.

So isn't this just lovely?

News Brief: Only in Florida

Florida Man demands bank teller give him less money during alleged robbery.

Florida Woman arrested trying to spend night, cook food in Daytona Walgreen’s.

Florida Man Accused Of Stabbing Woman Over Underdone Potato.

How a Florida Woman Who Won $13 Million Lottery Jackpot Ended Up in Prison.

Florida man driving with open beer blames the wind for blowing cocaine into his car.

And now, back to our regular Florida Man news...

Sportsmanship, Florida Man-Style

It is possible to completely understand this occurrence without endorsing it.

Likely, even.

Winner: Least Likely Headline of All Time Award

(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)

How a séance and a football game led to a Florida man getting kicked in the groin.

What could one possibly add to that?

Drink Up, Florida Man

How good does that sound? Sort of a Florida variation on a Manhattan. Will make a couple this weekend and try to remember to report back to you.

Thanks, Florida Man!

Florida Man: Unlikely Legal Hero

(Pixabay image.)

Florida man jailed for cursing out judge in letter — sparking First Amendment fight.

This was a letter. Florida Man didn't disrupt a legal proceeding or get in the judge's face or anything like that. He just wrote a letter to a public servant in search of redress of grievances. The law is on Florida Man's side this time, or at least it ought to be.

Elsewhere...

WELL, UBER DOESN'T TAKE CASH: Florida man accused of taking taxi to and from bank robbery.

Meanwhile, in Arkansas...

(Pixabay image.)

Raging fire consumes man’s house — then he steals a cop car, Arkansas police say.

A headline like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting...

Florida Man Friday!